Julia Gippenreiter: When You Are Talking To A Child - Shut Up

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Julia Gippenreiter: When You Are Talking To A Child - Shut Up
Julia Gippenreiter: When You Are Talking To A Child - Shut Up
Anonim

It is difficult to resist the charm, calmness and wisdom of an 83-year-old woman, the most popular modern Russian psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter, and parents, going out to Yulia Borisovna for a dialogue, instantly turn into children themselves. With each of the listeners, she acted out dialogues, imagining the parent as a child, and herself as a parent, and vice versa. "I give general answers to general questions," she repeated, and urged to examine specific situations.

What do you think about tablets and computers? Are they harmful and what impact do they have on development?

Y. B.: You will not go anywhere from tablets and computers, this is the environment in which children grow up. What is the impact of having a tablet or what the child does with it? Probably, we need to see what he is doing with him and get involved in the joint process. Best of all, you can help the child in development if you do something with him, and, further, according to the law of the zone of proximal development (according to L. Vygotsky), at first you will take on more, and then gradually delegate to him that, what he can do himself. As a result, the child will begin to do everything independently according to the law of interiorization of abilities, skills, ideas, tastes.

But now it turns out that some parents and grandparents do not know technology. In computer games, the law of any learning operates - you do something, you get a result, feedback, and, in the case of computer and tablet games, the opportunity to get the result is instant. With good control and competent development, the computer industry is one of the areas for a child to acquire knowledge and skills.

By itself, a computer or tablet does not mean anything, what matters is how your child uses it.

Mom with a question: Many parents worry that their children spend more time at the computer than communicating with their peers, and while spending time in virtual reality, they are deprived of something else in life, what to do with it?

Y. B.: To start living in a virtual space is a danger facing all of humanity. Children sometimes immerse themselves in it more than in real life, in overcoming obstacles not with their feet, hands, but with the help of running figures, in communication not with living people. It's dangerous, but I think parents are finding a way to avoid it - by limiting their VR experience. You have to restrict the child so that he does not eat chocolate all day or disappear for ten hours on the street playing football. This is about mode and discipline.

If there is such a problem, then you need to take action, but not drastic measures. To limit is not just to prohibit, but to replace with something. Maintain his friendship with other guys, keep him busy with something interesting to him.

But what happens in practice? The computer game competes with the cultural reserve and skills of the parent, and the parent loses. Well, don't lose! Develop.

It's not the computer's fault. The computer does not have emotions; it evokes emotions in the child. But you, too, can evoke emotions in a child. Immerse him in development, in good classical music, theater, museums, painting.

But then again, don't overdo it. My daughter, when her baby was born, and he was a month old, took an art album and opened it in front of the baby's face. "What are you doing?" Music is probably already possible at this age - the ear is already working, but the eyes have not yet converged.

In my reader for parents there is a story of the composer Sergei Prokofiev, he writes that he was literally born into music, because when my mother was waiting for him, she played a lot on the piano, and when he was born, my mother played in the next room.

If a child lives in a cultured environment, he absorbs it. The absorption of culture is very interesting, but the science of psychology has not yet reached the understanding of how exactly a child absorbs forms, colors, sounds, emotional shades.

A child will not find all this in a computer, only in live communication. Thanks to people who are disposed to him, the child can and wants to perceive what he is told. But if communication is reduced to a shout or orders, the child is closed from everything that is broadcast to him. The channel of communication with the child must be very healthy and, what is important, careful.

Do I need to educate children, or is it still important to learn how to build a dialogue with the child? How do you feel about the word "education"?

YB: Often, upbringing is understood as a "slap-up". Imposing his tastes, requirements, tasks, plans and dreams: "I bring him up the way he should be, I know that he should know what he should do." If education is understood in this way, then I have a bad attitude towards it, and I would have picked up another word: assistance in development. Becoming. Growing up. Carl Rogers said that an adult in relation to a child can be compared to a gardener who helps a plant. The gardener's function is to provide water, direct light to the plant, fertilize the soil. That is, to create conditions for development, but not to pull at the top. If you pull on the top and in which direction you need, you will not grow it.

Dialogue is a somewhat narrowed concept, I would say, mutual understanding, a mood for understanding a child. Yes, it is important when the child understands the parent, but the parent can understand more about the child. What does it mean to understand a child? This is, first of all, to know his needs and to take them into account. Needs change not only with age, but also individually, depending on the trajectory along which the child moves. Therefore, in the dialogue it is important to hear the child: why does he not obey, refuses, is rude. If "hear" is included in the dialogue, I accept it.

Rough interpretations of the word "upbringing": when a child does not obey - force, is rude - correct, offended - say: "there is nothing to be offended, it is his own fault", I reject.

Should a child be praised often? At what point do you need to turn on severity? To what extent so that the child does not withdraw?

YB: You know, we become victims of very general words. How is the amount of severity measured - in kilograms or liters? I still prefer to look at specific situations.

If a child is praised, he gets the feeling that if he does not do well, he will be judged. All praise has a downside: to praise is to evaluate. You may be familiar with the concept of "non-judgmental attitude towards a child." What does it mean? This refers to a non-judgmental attitude towards the child, and not towards his actions. You have probably heard that it is worth criticizing / praising the actions of the child, but not the child himself. Not "you're bad," "you're smart," but "I like how you said you did." "This act is not very good, you, of course, know that this act is not very good, and next time you will try to do better, right?"

Mom with a question: It doesn't work like that. So I sometimes do as you say, but he still answered me "no" and that's it, why?

Yub: Come out to me, tell me how it happens. I like to talk specifically.

Mom: The child did a bad thing, took the toy from his sister. I tell him: you understand that …

Yub: Wait. How old is the child, how old is the sister?

Mom: The son is 4 years old, he takes the toy from his two-year-old sister. The sister begins to cry, and he runs away with her toy, and it is clear that he took it away on purpose. I tell him: you understand that you acted badly, let's not do this next time.

YUB: Take your time. You make a mistake in the very first words: you understand that you acted badly. This is notation, you read it to him. Notation does not lead you to understand you, nor does it lead you to understand a child. We must look at why he took her away, what is behind it. There can be a lot behind this. And the lack of attention (he took away the toy, and his mother paid attention to him), and revenge on his little sister, because she has more attention. He has a long-standing and hidden grievance. Hence, it is necessary to eliminate this emotional lack.

Try to be careful so that the attention to the first child does not change in any way with the birth of the second one, either in volume or quality. Of course, this is difficult. I carried my second child under my armpit, doing with the first everything that I have done with him before. And jealousy did not arise, the eldest very quickly began to help me and feel that we are one team. Do not lecture, understand the child and eliminate the cause of the "evil design".

You cannot correct behavior in acute situations. When a child does something, and you feel that he is warmed up by some kind of emotion, you will never correct his behavior at that moment. If you punish him, he will not change. Emotional reasons should be identified and try to level them out, but in a calm atmosphere.

Mom with a question: The child is 9 years old, the situation at school: two children at a desk, one categorically does not like it when they take his things, starts screaming and itching, my child knows this, but he will definitely take something from him. I start talking to him, he looks in the eyes and cannot explain why he does this.

Y. B.: Well, this is a concert! Why he should explain something to you, you explain to him.

Mom: I'm explaining to him! I say: "Sasha, you understand …"

(laughter and applause in the hall overlaps my mother's speech)

Y. B.: Thank you for your moral support. Such phrases are parental reflexes that emerged from culture, from the understanding of upbringing as the imposition of our norms, demands on the child without building a dialogue with him. Therefore, first - acceptance of the child and active listening. Why did active listening gain popularity?

Because when parents begin to try to actively listen, and such reflexes begin to jump out very quickly, the children themselves are surprised, they instantly feel that they are better off, and they themselves begin to behave differently, treat their parents more attentively.

Remember how you turn to a child, so he will turn to you according to the law of imitation. Children imitate. Therefore, if you say "no, you will not," he will answer you "no, I will." He mirrors you. Displays. "I will punish you" - "Well, punish!" In directive parenting, it is not very easy to take into account all the needs of the child. It's the same with husbands and wives. Do you think you can force a husband or wife to do something? No. What starts in children? Cheating parents. Everything is like adults.

Are family traditions important for strengthening intergenerational ties? Do I need to communicate with grandmothers, and why do I need to communicate with older relatives?

YB: Family traditions are important, of course, they are part of the culture. Traditions are another matter. If the grandmother is alive and looks like Arina Rodionovna, then this is wonderful. But if the grandmother made it her goal to divorce her husband and wife, because she does not approve of the choice of a son or daughter, then the connection with such a generation probably does not need to be maintained. You can visit her, but not live with her and copy her manners. We must not be captured by common words. It is necessary to look at what the previous generation is carrying. Respecting elders, of course, is necessary, but if a grandmother or grandfather speaks badly about one of the parents, and you tell the child that he should respect them anyway, I don't really understand why?

It is much more important for elders to learn to respect the child. You ask me - at what age you should start to respect him. The answer is - from the cradle. Already from the cradle, a child is a person. Respect his way, do not say "I will make of you … an accountant, an economist." And if he is an artist at heart?

Mom with a question: A friend's daughter does not greet all people. What to do - make everyone say hello or grant freedom? Y. B.: Is it necessary to force and push through? I would say no. We need to talk to the child and listen to him. A friend did not talk to her daughter, she complains to you about her daughter. There was no dialogue between mom and daughter, there were lectures. When a parent says these three words “you understand,” the dialogue turns into reading notation.

When you are talking to a child, be silent. Be prepared to pause. When listening to your child, avoid asking questions. Be silent and try to match the tone of the child.

Mom with a question: What about politeness, responsibilities and discipline?

YB: A child must master a lot of skills and abilities: to brush his teeth, not to leave the table and then return to the table, to learn to potty, to a spoon. We must try to do so that this knowledge flows into the child's life gradually, without effort. Children stop doing something if a parent, without respect, without taking into account his condition, experiences, insists on his rule, takes drastic measures. Selects a computer, for example.

Get the child interested, offer him something else instead of a computer. And then, already in a calm atmosphere, you will be able to agree on the regime and rules. Try to work out regime things in a peaceful environment. Do not be afraid to joke, humor is very necessary when communicating with children.

Do you think habits are developed from constant hammering? No. They are developed gradually.

Don't substitute prodding for regular habit formation. You can use a note that resembles a picture, a calendar, stick a sticker "please fill me in" on the flower, replace your voice with something else.

It is also not necessary to wake up the child to school, replace it with an alarm clock. Late, skipped - not your problem. You can sympathize with him: unpleasant, yes.

At what age can the responsibility for lifting be given?

Y. B.: At 4-5 it is already possible.

Mom: So early, I thought when I was 10!

Y. B.: I will tell a story about my friends. Kola Peninsula, polar night, darkness, two children: 5 years old boy, 3 years old girl. The children get up on their own, the brother wakes up the sister, they dress, in fur coats and hats they approach sleeping parents, wake them up and say: "Mom, Dad, we went to the kindergarten."

Let the radiant image of these children inspire you. But not the phrases: "get up, you will be late, come on soon, get dressed."

Mom with a question: How to make children do this?

YB: Try it. Experiment. Try to behave completely differently than the child expects from you. Get off him, do not take away the development of the child by taking care of yourself: "but how will he continue to live."

Dad with a question: I want to clarify the situation with independence. The son is three years old, and he began to brush his teeth, first with our help, and now himself. He cleans them as best he can, and our dentist said that the child will have big problems with his teeth, it would be better if I cleaned them to preserve his teeth. And it seems to be a simple thing, but it grows into a problem, I take the brush away from the child, I start brushing his teeth myself, the child loses all interest in brushing, and this turns into a psychological problem, I don’t know what to do about it.

Y. B.: Change your dentist.

Mom with a question: Does genetics influence personality formation?

YB: What do you call genetics?

Mom: Alcoholism, genetic diseases. We are talking about the adopted children of my friends, they raised an adopted child, but nothing good came of him, despite the fact that they literally prayed for him through conversations. I try to understand.

YB: I give a general answer to a general question. There are genetic prerequisites, especially when it comes to somatic diseases. Tuberculosis, an addiction to alcoholism can also be transmitted, but not alcoholism itself. If the child is adopted, it would be good to know the parents.

I believe in the genetic prerequisites of temperament - someone is calmer, someone is more sensitive or reckless, this is written in detail in my book about characters. But genetics is not a person: noble, honest, independent, believing in ideals, or selfish, selfish, criminal - a person forms the trajectory of life, environment, parents and grandmothers, society. What is valued in society now? And in what society? What does the child pick up, take for himself? These are not genes.

Mom with a question: Daughter is 4 years old, we make toys from puff pastry. I tell her: look what beautiful toys we make, and she answers me: yes, they are beautiful, but I have more beautiful ones. Why does she say that?

YB: Apparently, grades are cultivated in your family. She wants to praise herself and she expects praise from you.

Mom with a question: What to do with the desires of children to buy some scary doll like Monster High? Does the daughter want, says, "everyone has it, I don't have it"?

Y. B.: Advertising and fashion are social fads, they pass away like viruses, but you cannot isolate a child from them. You can protect against influence only by firm principles that you have created in yourself. If you are against something - grow this protest from the cradle, and if you partially feel that the child is right about something, or you feel that you are wrong - tell him about it. He will be infinitely grateful to you. If you admit that you are wrong, you will take a giant step forward.

Mom with a question: What do you think about early child development, my husband and I have different views on this issue. He says that I should not torture the child …

YB: And "I want to torture him," right?

Mom: No, of course, but the child is already a year and a half, they told me about the amazing technique of early reading, and …

Y. B.: Awful, I won't even listen. This is exactly what is called "pulling the top". Or behave like some children: they plant something in the ground, and then immediately take it out - check if the plant has taken root. Sing songs, read fairy tales, live with him.

Mom: I read him books with animal symbols …

Y. B.: With designations …

Mom: I read to him, he repeats syllables after me.

YB: Very good, learning to speak.

Mom: If I do not do this, the next day he forgets whether it is worth continuing these studies, wasting time on this?

YB: To spend time on this? This wording is inappropriate. Live with your child, talk to him, show him the world. But don't practice by clenching your teeth and wasting time. The tonality of spending time with the child is important. While walking, some mothers have a goal: build a snow woman, swing on a swing, climb ladders. And the child is interested in the fence, the cat, and the pigeon.

Do I need to rush to load the child with circles, apply various methods of development?

YB: A child needs free time. Give your child 2-3 free hours a day. Children play very well with themselves. The reader for parents contains a story from Agatha Christie's childhood. She grew up in a wealthy family, but her mother forbade her nanny to teach little Christie to read, because she did not want Agatha to start reading books that were not due to her age. When Agatha Christie was six years old, the nanny came to her mother and said: "Madam, I have to disappoint you: Agatha learned to read."

Christie described in her memoirs how she played imaginary kittens as a child. She played plots with kittens, invented stories, endowed them with characters, and the nanny sat next to her and knitted a stocking.

Adults no longer have such fantasies that are played out in children. The rational mind kills creativity, ability, and opportunity. Of course, there must be logic and rational seeds, at the same time a child is a special being. You've probably noticed that children sometimes "go into prostration," a state of natural trance. In this state, they process information especially intensively.

A child can stare at a bug, at a leaf, at a sunbeam, and the teacher shouts to him: "Ivanov, you are catching a crow again." But at this time, Ivanov is undergoing an important thought process, he may be the future Andersen.

The same anthology describes the childhood of the violinist Yehudi Menuhin, the moment when he was sent to school, to the first grade, and after school his parents asked Yehudi: “What was at school?” “A very beautiful oak tree grew outside the window,” he said, and nothing more. He was struck by the artistic nature.

And you do not know what your child was amazed at at the moment - the picture, the sound, the smell, but definitely not "a unique technique developed, blablabla".

The child needs a choice, as Maria Montessori said: "the child's environment must be enriched." Gray walls and an immobilized child are not what is needed for development.

How do you feel about the Montessori technique?

YB: I don't know what they are doing with her methods now. She was a profound psychologist, philosopher, physician, and a very keen observer. She did not call the educators educators, she called them mentors. She said, "don't interfere with what the child is doing."

Montessori describes in his book a case when a baby, in order to see fish in the aquarium behind the heads of taller people, begins to drag a stool to stand on it. But then the "mentor" snatches the stool from him, raises him above everyone so that he can see the fish, and Montessori describes how in his eyes the illumination, the triumph, the trace of the fact that he himself had found a solution, goes out, disappeared from his face, it became submissive and boring. The teacher snatched from his hands the first and important sprouts of independence.

It often happens that during the games, some mothers ask their children to put everything in place or demand an assessment of the child's actions from the teacher. Does mom need some specialist to form an opinion about the child? Her child. For the mother, the praise or assessment of the teacher should be unimportant, and it should be important that her child naturally puffs, makes mistakes, searches, finds, the process in which the child is located should be important for her - do not meddle in him, this process is holy.

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