2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It happens that I peer into the harsh proverb "They carry water to the offended." This is when some suffer, and the responsibility for this lies with others. What is the ambush here. Until a person realizes the benefit of his suffering, there is no hope that he will get rid of it. Then all the accusatory attention is directed to the one who helps organize this misfortune. Not on yourself. On the other. The guilty person does not steer.
Resentment - this is a manipulation to relieve oneself of responsibility for the choice and for further actions / inaction in this regard. Resentment torments and hangs like a stone around the neck if someone else is to blame. It's scary to live with resentment, because there is a state of a victim who is harmed and who can do nothing about it.
If there is no faith that the other has taken responsibility for his act and feels quite well in the absence of guilt, then there is no faith in his own innocence. There is no belief in the personal purity of thoughts, intentions and actions. Bad only for those who condemn and continue to be lucky. You can carry water without grumbling at fate, and then there is no unnecessary burden. You can leave the cart with barrels of water and start hauling firewood. Etc. These many potential options go to waste when someone else is responsible for the happiness of one's life. In this situation, there is a changeable situation: dissatisfaction with the state of affairs, which alternates with the expectation that someone will come and change it, you just have to cry louder.
I often cite this example. The child stole the candy. They put him in a corner. If he understands that there are some rules of the game: “you steal - you are responsible for it by standing for an hour in the corner,” then the child does not suffer from his own badness. He just stands in a corner and may suffer from boredom, from the fact that his legs are numb, from anything, but not from the fact that the world is unfair. There is a realization that this is just a corner. Now an hour will pass and you can go for a walk. And you can also ponder whether to steal candy next time or is it too expensive. It's just a choice according to your desires. Who can judge me? Who knows how to do it right? Just me.
And as for resentment, then everyone around here knows how to deal with you and how to punish you. For example, a patient and a dentist. Imagine that the patient begins to swear for the pain and inconvenience caused. That he screams that his jaw is numb and that the lamp is blinding his eyes. That in general everything is expensive, unpleasant and disgusting. Then why are you here? You can ask to reduce the brightness of the lamp, to take breaks in the treatment. This is possible when the focus of attention shifts to oneself. Then you can listen to your feelings, take responsibility for your desires, share them with the doctor. On the basis of whether the doctor meets halfway, whether he tries to hear the patient and change the process according to his capabilities, or he neglects wishes and does only as it is convenient for him, the next choice is made. Stay in a chair or look for something else.
The secondary benefits of resentment can be many and very different. Such that a person does not see them at all, but uses them. For example, resentment helps to isolate oneself from the abuser. Then this is the construction of a kind of protection, a rest from contact with the source of suffering, an escape from one's vulnerability. And in another way, except through receiving resentment, a person does not know how to build boundaries. The offended person does not consider it correct to say “no” in a timely manner, he cannot upset others. And as soon as he gets offended, this separation happens by itself and I want to stay longer in this for the sake of autonomy. This is such a pseudo-freedom with a bag of stones over his shoulders.
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