2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Guilt and responsibility
Guilt. A unique way of influencing humans. easy and simple to form. since childhood. "It's your fault." everyone has heard these words addressed thousands of times.
Feelings of guilt cause anger, resentment, desire to prove your Innocence in any way, in any way. Guilt is literally hungry for Punishment … And when the Punishment comes, then Relief necessarily follows. and the saddest thing is that apart from relief, there is nothing else. You can already do nothing about it. The punishment is enough. Sometimes a person punishes himself. And this punishment is even stronger, harsher than that which others would have assigned him. then the guilty one is almost a national hero: that's how abruptly he punished himself!
People brought up on a sense of Guilt masterly know how to justify themselves. No less masterly they know how to find punishment for themselves. And they do not care at all that the consequences of the act remained the same, that the pain remained pain. The main thing for them has already been done - Punishment received.
It is completely useless to expect from such a person that he will somehow correct the situation, that he will at least think about how this can be corrected. For him, the cycle has already been completed. … Any remark addressed to a person brought up on the feeling of Guilt perceives it as an accusation. Not a desire to understand what happened, how it happened, what can be done about it, but only as an ACCUSATION. Therefore, when talking with such a person, very often there is a feeling of powerlessness to explain something: as if he does not hear you. The guilty person's favorite formula is HE THE FIRST BEGINNING, IT'S BECAUSE OF HIM I DID THIS. well, for example, it was he who scared me with something there. that I could not tell him the truth.
But these people, becoming adults, achieve the highest skill in the ability to blame others
Responsibility is completely different. This is meeting with the result of one's action … Yes, I did it, it was me and no one else.
And it is I who have to correct the consequences of this action of mine - to change the result. As much as possible. To look for other options, to compensate for the damage - first of all, moral.
It is very difficult to educate in a person the responsibility for the actions he has committed, for the task entrusted to him, for himself, for his life, for the lives of those who are near and whom he loves. Because there is responsibility there too. I am responsible for this - and this means that I will not go looking for the guilty, I will not wait for punishment - I will analyze WHY it happened, and I will think about WHAT needs to be done to make the result the least traumatic.
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The child scattered and did not remove the toys. To foster a sense of responsibility, it is enough to explain to him that this is not good, and then insist that he remove the toys. And in no case clean up for it. A thrown toy can be stepped on by someone, it can break - and the toy will no longer be there. This is the result that the child will face. Not "you yourself are to blame," but "see what happened? Let's think about what needs to be done so that next time this will not happen."
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The guilty one - two opposite feelings: fear of punishment and desire to be punished. The fear of punishment makes a person look for another guilty person, shift his guilt onto another, make excuses, take offense, lie. The desire for punishment is due to the fact that AFTER punishment a person feels completely free from everything, and above all - from guilt. now you can do nothing - the main thing has already been done: the punishment has been received. And now you can continue the relationship, live on, without burdening yourself with thoughts about what happened. and such people are very surprised by the demand after the punishment to somehow correct something, to do something differently: after all, the punishment has been received? What else do you want from me?
For a responsible person the very concept of punishment is, of course, understandable. But he does not understand why he can be punished, if he already does everything to correct the situation. He took responsibility, he DOES, without shifting anything to anyone - what does the punishment have to do with it.
The responsible person is upset with the result and starts doing something. The guilty person is offended, angry and - DOES NOT DO ANYTHING.
The Guilty One perceives criticism in his address as an accusation. Responsible - as a signal SHOULD DO SOMETHING.
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