Meet The Emotional Blackmailer

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Very often people come to the reception in a completely depressed state, exhausted by a sense of guilt, "squeezed" by life. In the course of counseling, it turns out that the client is in the gripping hands of a blackmailer. Look, can this happen to you?

Emotional blackmail is that you are forced to do what you do not want. Under the pressure of a blackmailer, you do this even to the detriment of yourself and your interests.

And this is by no means a rogue from the street - this is a "dear, close, beloved" person. After all, only they can openly manipulate you.

Because:

• You are afraid of the anger of the blackmailer or anger in general;
• You need the approval of the blackmailer;
• You are in some way dependent on the blackmailer;
• You doubt yourself and criticize yourself unnecessarily;
• You blame yourself for the other person's emotions.

Running in a circle

The listed reasons turn your life into a running in a vicious circle:

At first these are trivial demands: “Put on your hat! Take the umbrella!" You think: "What nonsense, okay, so as not to argue - I'll do it, it's not difficult for me." BUT, the blackmailer gets used to the fact that you obey him implicitly, which means that you can be led.

The next achievement of the blackmailer things become important to you that violate your rights as individuals. It interferes with your personal life, regulates with whom to communicate and with whom not, what you can and cannot.

The rates go up and serious life changes are expected from you, which can be harmful or even dangerous for other people close to you: "Choose: me or your son"

Wolf in sheep's clothing

Emotional blackmail is always presented under the guise of a specious excuse. But at the same time you:

• Feel overwhelmed or humiliated. Self-esteem goes down.
• You need to explain to yourself, justify or rationalize this action.
• Despite the fact that you follow the blackmailer's request in the hope of improving or maintaining the relationship, it continues to be shaky or even worsening.
• Your physical and psychological well-being worsens. There is a feeling that "there are no forces at all."
• You can betray other people by giving in to blackmail …

The main roles of the blackmailer:

Punisher

• Speaks exactly what he wants and clearly defines the consequences of your failure to comply with his requirements. "If you …, then I will leave you, throw acid in your face, deprive you of your inheritance, I will not talk to you, have sex."
• Uses anger and threats.
• Punishes severely.

Self-punisher

• It creates a sense of drama around itself, a feeling of crisis or scandal hangs in the air.
• Doesn't show direct aggression. And with all its appearance it shows its dependence on your behavior. "If you …, then I will hang myself, open my veins, throw myself out of the window."
• If necessary, defiantly carries out the threat in the hope that he will be rescued in time. In the case of teenage suicides "I will commit suicide, let it be worse for you, you will still regret that you treated me this way"

Sufferer

• Master of accusations! His weapon is the ability to make you feel guilty.
• He would never say directly what he needs. Waiting for you to guess. "It's humiliating for me to ask you what a loving man (son) does by definition."
• He interprets your inability to read the thoughts of the blackmailer as self-dislike, accusing you of not really striving to take care of him. "You would feel what I need", "If you really loved me, you would have done what I need long ago."

Tormentor

• Passes you through a series of tests and trials, promising you that if you prove yourself worthy, then you will be shown mercy and you will be happy and loved. "If you get married, I'll give you a car."
• Even if you meet all the conditions and fulfill all the requirements, happiness does not come.
• There is a new challenge and you need to prove again and again that you are worthy of the reward.

The Basis of Emotional Blackmail

Fear

The blackmailer knows something about you that you can poke your nose into. It doesn't matter how much time has passed since that time. There is no statute of limitations for a blackmailer.

For this, he specially collects information about you in order to remember "EVERYTHING!" At the right moment, rudely destroying trust in your relationship. For example, the spouse regularly wrote a statement to the Economic Crime Department against the entrepreneur husband, accusing him of evading taxes.

Commitment

The blackmailer plays on your sense of duty and commitment, upsetting the balance between commitments to yourself and others. For the sake of fulfilling your obligations to the blackmailer, you are forced to refuse to fulfill obligations to other people.

The fear of breaking family ties, low self-esteem and blurred personal boundaries brings you “under the monastery”.

Guilt

Blackmailer's neutron bomb - making you feel guilty. Outwardly, relations remain, but sincerity, trust and intimacy are burned out by constant accusations and reproaches.

Whatever you do, no matter how hard you try, there will ALWAYS be something for which you can be blamed.

Common methods of blackmail to "finish off the victim"

In order to break your resistance blackmailers use additional techniques.

Gain

In order to get what he wants, the blackmailer attracts other people. Friends, parents, children and even psychologists come to his aid … For example, a woman brought her husband to an appointment to force him to refuse divorce and continue his family life.

Pathologization

They will show you and emphasize your pathology: "you are an egoist, a hysterical woman, you need to go crazy." Once a man came to see me, whom his lascivious wife sent to be treated for jealousy.

At the same time, they form in you false memories in the aspect they need. “When you were little, you were so good, obedient. And now how have they changed …"

Negative comparison

The blackmailer has an ideal that you do not correspond to. “Look at how wonderful Petya is, he studies with only A's and also goes in for sports. And who are you, you are nobody …"

Vulnerability

It hurts to hit on those qualities of yours that you value in yourself. If you consider yourself responsible: "you are completely irresponsible towards me!" … If you are caring: "you only care about other people, but not about me!"

What to do?

Stop blaming yourself

Everything is in order with you, just the blackmailer needs someone (the easiest of all for you) to bend under himself for his own self-affirmation.

Blackmailer:

• Not realized in life.
• There are no situations in his life in which he controls the situation and has real power over other people.
• He does not like to lose, will never compromise, is unable to admit his mistake and apologize.
• The blackmailer is always “right” and it is easier for him to be offended so that you feel guilty.

Methods of confrontation

Stop. Do not, under any circumstances, respond to a request immediately. Tell the blackmailer: “This is unexpected for me. I need to think and weigh everything"

Specify. Ask clarifying questions: "What exactly do you really want?"

Barter. Try to negotiate with him on a win-win basis.

Your problems. Get the blackmailer involved in solving your problems. Make him feel important and needed.

Agreement. When allowing the blackmailer to carry out his threat, ask the clarifying question "by doing this, will you really get what you want?" “Are you demanding a new smartphone from me? And if I don’t buy, will you throw yourself out of the window? Excellent! Just tell me, please, why do you dead need a new phone?"