2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
You see - the time of the stars is passing,
and it seems it's time to part forever …
… And I only now understand how it should be
love and pity and forgive and say goodbye.
Olga Berggolts "Indian Summer"
I have been living for a long time - I’ll get fifty dollars soon, but I still don’t know how to say goodbye. And how to forgive so as not to feel flawed or vice versa - almost like God
That is, in theory, I know everything, or almost everything about it. About the benefits of forgiveness and letting go, about the fact that “it is important to remember the good and forget the bad”, that “only by freeing space from the past, oppressive, new relationships can be built”. About the fact that "gratitude washes the soul", that "resentment is not worth saving up." I know all this. I believe in all this. And I myself teach this to my clients
But the truth is, things are different in life. There are no ready-made recipes in life for every case, for every situation and for every person.
In my life, I have found a compromise between what I believe "as it should" and what I feel, the way it really is. The compromise that I adhere to that allows me to end the relationship in the end. Even painful ones. And, yes, and to forgive and thank and feel "okay" at the same time. And build new relationships, even with the former.
The trade-off is that I have accepted the fact that every relationship is different. And the end of a relationship can also be different. And yet - it is allowing yourself to experience different feelings in relation to different people.
I will share how it is in my life, it is possible that it will respond to someone.
ABOUT RELEASE.
Letting go in my reality is not a picture like this:
But this one:
Where am I - the one who holds)
When I "saw" this for myself, I understood why it was so difficult for me to do it. And here is the "flip side" of this moment: I am a "plus", and the one whom I do not let go is a "minus", it turns out in my reality. That is, I am big and strong, and the other one is small and weak, and without me there is no way at all. And on what basis in general ?? The discovery - amazed. Without letting go, I see myself as a "rescuer". Although I can suffer and worry at the same time.
What helped to overcome this moment in ending the relationship was trust. Trust yourself - I can handle it. Trust in another - he will cope. And trust in the world - everything happens as it should.
ABOUT FEELINGS
I used to taboo in myself: “to be angry is not good,” but now I allowed it to be anger. I may be angry with another person. And the energy of anger is not the worst for ending a relationship that does not suit you. I'm talking about the innermost permission to experience this feeling, and not about the way to express it. If exaggerating, then if you want to "fill your face" - I still choose a more environmentally friendly something)
And, yes, anger is not forever. It passes over time when you allow it to be.
ABOUT FORGIVENESS
I asked myself the question: can I forgive everything? The answer is no. Not everything, not always and not to everyone. Yes, I'm not perfect.
And here is the line of permissible forgiveness - everyone has their own. Everyone chooses where to put the comma: to forgive or not to forgive. Sometimes these "scapegoats" - unforgiven exes (by the way, gender does not matter at all here) - they allow other relationships to be cleaner, or something. Calmer, more balanced. It's amazing to me, but true.
But I know that forgiveness is a very powerful spiritual and mental act of cleansing. Not theoretically, but according to my feelings.
Sometimes we arrange this inner execution of unforgiveness for ourselves. Not forgiving yourself or yourself. And it is much stronger than censure, condemnation from the outside.
Forgiving is important and necessary. And forgiveness is the way. Difficult and distant. With "kickbacks" and "sinking" into guilt or resentment, but the way to your best. It is worth walking along it and passing it.
ABOUT FAREWELL
For me, the litmus feeling of completing a gestalt in a painful relationship is indifference. When "does not stick". I, as a true self-torturer, can "pick" where I used to hurt with some touching memory, for example. Or vice versa - hurtful and hurtful. And when nothing responds inside, when I calmly react, then everything - the moment of completion has come. All the circles of hell have passed, the wound has healed.
And in this moment I can already build a new relationship with the same person. Yes, and that is also possible. Or I can fully enjoy other relationships.
But the most important thing is that I can look into the future, being in the present. Without turning your back on this very future, all the time looking back at the past.
Goodbye, forget
and do not blame me.
And burn the letters, like a bridge.
May it be courageous
your path, let him be straight
and simple.
Let it be in the darkness
to burn for you
star tinsel, let there be hope
warm palms
by your fire.
Let there be blizzards
snow, rain
and the furious roar of fire, may you have good luck ahead
more than mine.
May it be mighty and beautiful
the fight, thundering in your chest.
I'm happy for those
which is with you, may be, along the way.
Joseph Brodsky "Goodbye"
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