2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Once I shared with a friend (let's call her Katya) my problems and experiences, and she began to give me advice on how to fix the situation. I just wanted sympathy and was upset that she could not support me.
Another time, Katya shared something, I sympathized with her (pleased with myself, that they say I know how to support), but noticed that Katya was upset in response to my words.
Then I asked how I could support her, what I could say or do to make her feel my support. Katya replied that she would like to hear advice on what to do.
It was a shock for me. I myself don't like advice, I'm terribly annoyed.
However, it turned out that the forms of support can be different. Someone may like the same format, and infuriate another person. Therefore, sometimes relations deteriorate, although each of the parties had exceptionally good intentions.
Since then, I have been trying to say what exactly I want as support, if the person's reaction “does not hit”. And I myself often ask what would be a support for a person if I see that my actions are “past”. True, people do not always realize what they would like.
What forms of support can there be?
** Give the person space to speak out.
And there may be nuances here.
You need to listen to someone in silence, not interrupt. Someone, on the contrary, ask clarifying questions and actively respond, expressing their emotions about his words.
Someone needs feedback after what has been said, while others do not.
However, there are those who do not want to talk about the problem at all, but would like to be present and talk about something abstract, or to be alone.
** Pay attention to emotions.
There are also nuances here.
It is important for someone to hear confirmation of his emotions: “Yes, it’s really sad”, “Anyone would be indignant in your place”.
Someone wants to share the experience, but this can also be expressed in different forms: “Yes, I understand how sad it is”, “I am sad with you”, “I am sad for you”, “I was in such a situation and I was sad too”.
For someone, on the contrary, it is important to reduce the emotional intensity: “Quiet, quieter, everything is not so scary, everything will be fine” or even joke with friends about the situation. (And we often call it devalue.)
** Pay attention to thoughts and information.
Different options again.
Someone wants to be asked about his thoughts, what he thinks and why he thinks so.
Someone wants to hear the opinion of another person.
Someone needs more information. And here are the options again. Someone has enough information of the level “one of my acquaintances”, while someone needs extracts from books and scientific journals with a reference to the source.
** Pay attention to actions.
And you can also ask different questions:
"What can you do in this situation?"
"What are you going to do about it?"
“Do this” (ideas, recommendations, advice).
"What can I do for you?"
"Can I do this for you?"
And, in the end, without asking, just go and do something for the person. (We often call this abuse and over-concern.)
** Pay attention to bodily support.
Just be around. Even if you keep quiet or talk about something abstract.
Take a hand.
Hug.
Pat on the shoulder.
Someone, on the contrary, wants no one to be there or no one to look at him.
** Pay attention to the spiritual aspect.
Someone reacts positively to excerpts from spiritual literature, parables, and so on.
** Pay attention to the person himself - his experience, his qualities.
It may be recalled that a person has already dealt with this. Or “reflect” to him some of his qualities - “you always stubbornly go to the goal, you can handle it”.
** Pay attention to yourself.
Share some of your experiences on how you dealt with such situations.
** Pay attention to compatibility.
"You are not alone, I am with you now, you can lean on me, count on my help."
The list is not exhaustive, of course. Write in the comments what would be important for you as support in various situations, and what, on the contrary, is annoying.
You may also be interested in a book-guide to healthy relationships " What do we confuse love with, or is Love"The book is available on Liters and MyBook.
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