Such Different Therapy: The Client "I Want" And The Client "I Must"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

SUCH DIFFERENT THERAPY: THE CLIENT "WANT" AND THE CLIENT "NADO"

In the psyche of a mature person

I want and need to get along harmoniously, desires and obligations.

I continue the topic raised in the articles “Between Need and Want and the Double Trap of Relations

I am not a supporter of the typology of clients and their requests, and in therapy I emphasize the individuality of the client's personality and the uniqueness of his request. Nevertheless, in my practice I quite often meet with clients who have fundamentally different views of the world that form basic attitudes towards the World, Another person and oneself. These basic attitudes determine all vital activity and vital activity of a person. They manifest themselves in different ways in therapy, and, therefore, require fundamentally different therapeutic strategies of work. I distinguish two types of clients-carriers of different pictures of the world, metaphorically calling them clients “I want” and clients “I need”.

In my article, I will describe the phenomenology of the selected types of clients and outline therapeutic strategies for working with them.

The client's picture of the world "I want"

Such a client in contact gives the impression of a big Child.

This, as a rule, is a child heavily invested in childhood, in whom the parents invested a lot and expected a lot from him. Basic attitude towards the world for clients "I want" - the world must! I want and I will! In terms of attitude and behavior, this is a small child. His qualities of an adult mature person are not formed or poorly formed, first of all, responsibility and duty. Weakly developed also "social" feelings: guilt and shame. Empathy is also bad.

The real world and the subjective picture of the world of the "I Want" client do not fit well with each other. The client "I Want", like a small child, believes in a fairy-tale reality, does not want to recognize objective reality, actively tries to remake it and change it for himself. The idealization of the world, when in contact with the real world, leads to its devaluation - hence such an obsessive need of the client "I want" to remake the real world for myself.

The images of his Self and Others are polar and unstable - from idealization to devaluation. Self-esteem is usually overestimated, but unstable.

The concept of the Other (inner Other) is not formed. The most striking feature of the client's picture of the world "I want" is the devaluation of the Other up to its complete depreciation. In contrast to the “Must” client, centered on the Other, the “I want” client's personality is ego-centered - there is only I, Others are the means, functions for my I.

Example: A young woman, 28 years old, has addressed the problem of conflicting relationships with other people (No one understands me and does not accept me as I am!) The problem of “misunderstanding” and “rejection” permeates all client relationships: it concerns both closely related relationships (parents) and close intimate relationships (young people). The same problem haunts the client in therapy: all the previous therapists did not fit her, because "they could not fully accept her as she is." A similar situation was observed in the therapeutic groups visited by the client: “I am considered arrogant, upstart, they are trying to pressure me, remodel … all the time they talk about some kind of responsibility. And I don't WANT to hear about any responsibility! " In all of the client's texts, the following conviction “sounds” clearly: “Something is wrong with other people, they are not able to understand and accept my uniqueness and originality!”

The client's picture of the world "It is necessary"

Such a client gives the impression of a little Adult.

This is, as a rule, an early adult, a child deprived of a carefree childhood. He had prematurely formed responsibility and duty, as well as overdeveloped "social" feelings: guilt and shame. The basic attitude towards the world of the clients is "It is necessary" - I must meet the requirements of the world and the expectations of others!

A heavily loaded image of the Other is present in the client's worldview "Must". For him, the opinion, assessment, attitude, judgments of Others become dominant. His consciousness as a whole is centered on the Other. He sensitively looks closely, listens to what they say, how they look, what the Others think, how will his Self be reflected in their mirrors?

Over time, the real Others assimilate into the inner Other - overly controlling, observing, evaluating. The life of the "Nado" client passes in the "always on video cameras" mode. And this circumstance introduces a lot of tension. Constantly sounding "It is necessary!" forms the tendency of such people to self-violence.

His self-esteem is directly dependent on the assessment of other people and, therefore, is unstable. He is strongly influenced by other people, depends on them. Due to the exaggerated significance of the Other, his image is heavily loaded with expectations and, as a result, is projectively distorted. When contacting another, the client "Must" meets not with a real person, but with his image, often projective. Unsurprisingly, such “meetings” often end in disappointment.

Example: Katerina. The client is 26 years old, has asked for a difficult relationship with her parents, primarily with her mother. Mom, despite the fact that the client has created her own family, continues to actively penetrate her personal and family space. The client cannot refuse her mother, hinder her expansion: Mom will be offended!”. In a relationship with a husband, it is also impossible to "be relaxed", you have to adjust to him, guess his mood. Similar relationships develop with girlfriends: "I have always been a follower, I adjusted to them, I was afraid to refuse."

Psychotherapy: general provisions

Both those and other clients, in my opinion, want unconditional love, but they want it in different ways. Client "Nado" hopes to earn it and does everything for this. The client "I Want" - wants to receive love for free and is waiting for it to be given to him.

The psychic reality of both those and others is fixed on one of the polarities: I want or I must. In the psyche of a mature person, I want and need, desires and obligations harmoniously coexist.

I like the idea of psychotherapy as healing, i.e. work with the psychic reality of a person in the direction of its greater harmony, consistency, integrity. Returning integrity to the client through recognition of his right to his "uninhabited" or unacceptable territory.

Psychotherapy for the client "I want"

For me, it's growing up therapy, disappointment therapy. And its central question is the question: how to notice the Other and be with the Other?

I would single out the following as the strategic directions of work with the “I want” client:

In contrast to the client "It is necessary", for whom the appearance of oneself in a relationship and learning to take care of oneself is the most important strategy of psychotherapy, the goal of therapy for clients "I Want" is the appearance in the relationship of the Other as a different, valuable, living person with his joys, sorrows, experiences, values, pains … This becomes possible thanks to the development of empathy skills in the client “I want”, which destroys his egocentric position. The main method of working with the "I Want" client will be work on the border of contact, which involves the therapist presenting his feelings, experiences, and values. If in the case of the client "It is necessary" the psychotherapist loosens the rigid picture of the world, then with the client "I Want" he creates conditions for the appearance and birth of a new structural component in it - the picture of another person.

The emergence of the ability to thank and ask is a good diagnostic sign in the therapy of the client “I want”. Noticing the Other's desires, his boundaries, experiencing guilt and shame for the pain inflicted on the Other - these are the most important neoplasms of the client I want. Therapy can be considered successful when, in the psychic reality of the client, I want to start sounding I must.

Psychotherapy for clients "It is necessary"

For me, this is childhood therapy, self-acceptance therapy. And its central question is the question: How to be with yourself?

The following can be proposed as strategic directions of work with the client "Nado":

The goal of therapy in the case of the client “Must” is to bring the client to his own I, carefully and respectfully examining, listening to the sound of the voices of the Other I (It is necessary!) Hidden behind the deafening chorus of voices of the Other I (It is necessary!), The genuine, unique, barely audible voice of the I of the client (I want!). Only by hearing, realizing and accepting his own Self, the client can hope for a genuine Meeting with the Other. The leading tasks here will be to increase self-esteem and sensitivity to their I-needs and their own psychological boundaries. From the therapeutic methods in working with the client "It is necessary" can be distinguished a combination of frustration and support. Through frustration, it is possible to "shake" the rigid picture of the world of such a client, filled with social introjects. The support of a psychotherapist creates conditions for the opportunity to take risks, to gain new experience.

The emergence of aggression and personal boundaries is a good diagnostic sign of the client "must". Taking care of oneself, feeling desires without a sense of guilt - these are the most important neoplasms in the client's therapy "Must". Therapy can be considered successful when in the psychic reality of the client, “I want” begins to sound! …

The client "I want" and the client "I must" have qualities that are missing for each other and, therefore, tend to form alliances - complementary (additional) in form and dependent in essence.

To heal the soul in essence is to make it whole, whole.

These kinds of changes are brought about in therapy through the therapeutic relationship. In the described case, through the cultivation of deficient functions in the client and their subsequent integration into a holistic, consistent self-image.

Author: Gennady Maleichuk