THE BELIEF "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

If you continue this phrase, you get "I'm not good enough to be loved, to be loved." And that belief is the cornerstone of low self-esteem. They are followed by beliefs about their unworthiness of something good: well-being, a decent man, health, career advancement, success, and ultimately, again, love.

And these beliefs give rise to intense anxiety. Own mistakes and mistakes are strongly criticized, and successes and achievements are devalued. That is, if I make a mistake, it is because I am stupid, stupid, inattentive, and so on. But if she achieved something, then it seems to be a matter of chance, coincidence of circumstances, or it is simply not so important to prescribe in her merits, it does not matter. Anyone could. It's too easy to be proud of. And a new transcendental bar is being set, which must be achieved without fail in order to feel sufficient.

And of course, these cockroaches come from childhood. Where else from! When the child did not know the unconditional love of the parents. The upbringing process seemed to be permeated with a message, parental broadcast "You are not good enough for us to love you." The child feels a lack of attention, care (not functional feed-drink-put to bed, namely, attentive care, taking into account the needs of the baby), affection, tenderness. At the same time, there is criticism for mistakes, due to which another belief is formed in the piggy bank of self-doubt: "I have no right to be wrong, my mistakes indicate that I am bad."

And in a bunch of criticism - the devaluation of the child's merits, their ignoring. Parents were not proud of the child's successes, did not rejoice in him, did not recognize the significance and importance of victories.

The child is small, it is difficult for him to understand the background of such an attitude. And yet, children are egocentric, that is, everything that happens to them is connected with themselves. If something bad happens, it is because they did something bad or because they themselves are bad.

This leads to a trivial conclusion: if they don't love me, then I don't deserve love, I'm not good enough …

Therefore, one has to become good. To be helpful, to help, to do good, to achieve success, new heights, to walk the entire social ladder to the very top. Observe all the social canons of a righteous social life. True, this does not diminish anxiety. After all, any successes are quickly depreciated, and because of mistakes and shortcomings, you are engaged in self-criticism. Reinforcing over and over again the belief "oh yeah, definitely not good enough." What you run from - comes back all the time. Trying to get rid of the feeling of your worthlessness, unloved, unworthy with every mistake, and even with every merit, you run back into the same self-depreciation.

But here's a trick you can do: shift the focus of attention from yourself to those people from whom the message "you're not good enough" comes. As I said above, the child is self-centered. And if they don't love me, then I am to blame, something is wrong with me. And this same perception helps to avoid feeling powerless. Because I can’t do anything with the attitude of significant people, significant adults to me, I can’t fix another so that he would love me. But I can fix myself, I can reshape myself. The child withdraws attention from what he has no control over, what is under his control - he himself.

So, in order to let go of the belief "I'm not good enough", it is useless to argue with yourself and prove the opposite. Keep a diary of success, forgive your mistakes, rewrite your merits and blah blah blah. Because it again focuses the emphasis on myself, it's like trying to prove to myself that I am worthy. But there is no love! There is no kind attitude towards me!

Remember who you expected the relationship "You are absolutely good and loved" and from whom this relationship was not. From whom was it important to receive it, but who could not give it? And attention now needs to be focused on these people. What was happening in their life that they could not give unconditional love, could not care, could not nourish with affection? What was going on in their minds and hearts? What life story could these people have that they were not filled with a resource in order to love you fully and carefully?

And then a personal story grows: the people from the orphanage themselves survived hungry times, when there was nothing to eat, their own parents did not pay attention to them, or even were alcohol addicted, social instability, lack of money, depression, forced to work at several jobs, fatigue, exhaustion, ill health, psychological problems.

When an understanding of the processes that took place in the soul of those adults from whom there was not enough love comes, then the realization will come that with me, it turns out, everything is all right! Everything is OK with me.

All that remains is to grieve, grieve, mourn the experience of childhood, in which there was not enough love.

Further, if everything is in order with me, everything is fine with me, then I deserve love, and promotion at work, and a good attitude, and respect. It's just that what I deserve and what I deserve is not in every place. Not every person can give it to me. I do not need to bang my head against the wall, beg for love where it is not, where it cannot be given. You don't have to deserve water from an empty jug. It's empty! What you need to have a happy life is to learn to recognize empty and full jugs. And allow yourself to take where there is something to take. Where there is something to fill. Where they will give it just like that. Just because there is something to share.