Am I A BAD MOTHER? I Am An Ordinary, Good Enough Mother

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why is such importance in psychology given to infancy and the age of 6 years? What's wrong at this age? Why is there so much emphasis on the mother-child relationship? How to distinguish between BAD or GOOD mother ??? Isn't there a better term between these two poles?

Have you ever seen a picture: a walk, a child, about a year old with his mother. The baby is still not confident enough to walk, stumbles, then he moves away from his mother a little, falls, turns to his mother and there is a pause … There may be several options for the mother's reaction: one mother, with exclamations, panic, runs to pick up, save the baby, and the other, catching her breath will say: "Well, well, it happens !!!". Perhaps even such a mother, having weighed the scale of the fall, will not even run to lift the baby, but will allow him to stand up on his own. The child's reaction in these two cases can be predictable: in the first case, the baby, having received his mother's horror, will immediately cry, and in the second case, the child will most likely rise by himself and move on. WHY IS THAT? WHAT DO WE SIGNAL TO OUR CHILDREN BY OUR REACTIONS AND IS IT POSSIBLE HERE TO SPEAK IN THE TERMS "BAD MOTHER" OR "GOOD MOTHER" ???

It is very interesting to watch mothers with small children. How many emotions, reactions, impressions they give to those around them with their paired relationships. Some “mother-child” pairs can cause anxiety, panic, a desire to run away from others, while others cause tenderness and joy. The second category of relationships is more difficult to meet, such a tandem "mom-child" can be described as a dance, when in a couple both partners hear each other on a non-verbal level and catch the impulses and the slightest turns of the soul of each other. In the pair "mother-child", first the mother tunes in to the "frequency" of the baby and dances beside him, behind him, is his mirror, a reflection. As he grows up, the baby catches his “frequency” and the task of the mother is to adjust it so that it sounds clean and harmonious and does not interfere with the sound, that is, step aside a little and be more of an observing mother who comes to the rescue at the time. Such a mother cannot be called ideal, it would be more correct to call her a real mother, who can be happy, and angry, and praise, explain, be tired, be a REGULAR ENOUGH GOOD MOM. A lot of mother's efforts and patience have been invested in such a dance, and the first year of life takes almost the entire mother, but the more time is given to the baby in early childhood, the less he will require it as he grows up. Such an amazing inverse proportion.

Now there are a lot of different opinions about the development of the child, an incredible number of different schools of early development and methods, sometimes completely contradicting each other. How can a mother choose the correct and helpful parenting method? What to do with the child, and at the same time not to lose yourself and not completely dissolve in the baby? The British pediatrician and child psychoanalyst Donald Woods Winnicott spoke about this incredibly simply and at the same time extremely succinctly, when he introduced the term "a good enough mother."

What is a "good enough mother"? This is a mother who is nearby and provides the necessary "holding" (from the English Hold-to support), this is a certain state of the mother, with the help of which the baby begins to feel protected, all the necessary needs of the child are satisfied, but at the same time the baby remains free in their experiments in the knowledge of the world, in safety. The holding gives the baby, on the one hand, the illusion of a kind of "subjective omnipotence", when all needs are satisfied at his will, it seems that the world revolves around him and, moreover, at his will. But on the other hand, a good holding creates a feeling of basic trust in the world, which is important for subsequent normal development.

It is very important not to leave the child as he grows up with a feeling of “subjective omnipotence”, not to be an “ideal mother” for him, not to form an illusory idea of the world, of relationships. Winnicott said that a mother should be real, this is a mother who will come to the aid of the child in time, but at the same time will remember about herself, about her desires and her needs. A real mother can either give to a child or refuse; a good enough mother performs the function of a "container", can accept the baby's feelings, his resentment and frustration, but will know that she also has feelings. Such a mother can separate in time, "I am the baby" and her personal "I". It sounds very beautiful, just like in a fairy tale, but somehow very abstract. Let's try to figure out what it means to be a “good enough mother” with specific examples.

How to be a good enough, real Winnicott mother ???

"A good enough mother" when a child from 0-1 years old:

- this is a mother who spends the first months with the child almost all of her time, provides care (feeds when the baby feels hungry, changes the diaper during the time, picks up, presses and hugs, talks to the baby, allowing him to catch the melody of the voice);

- the baby has a safe environment and a sufficient number of developing stimuli from the outside world that he receives from the outside (periodic acquaintance with strangers, the atmosphere is calm and quiet enough, the ability to see the world outside the house - the street, sometimes guests). THE MEASURE IS IMPORTANT HERE. AND REMEMBER THAT A CHILD IS BETTER NOT TO GIVE THAN TO PASS !!!! - as the child develops new skills (turning over on his tummy or back, the ability to sit, crawl, walk), he is given the opportunity and support for this. A “good enough mother” will not, exactly, either interfere or insist on these activities too much, believing that the baby will come to this on his own. For example, a baby takes the first steps and falls. He will always turn to his mother, as if asking: "Is there a disaster now or will I survive this?" Mom can answer: "Yes, bubuh, well, well, it happens …" and may even allow the baby to get up on his own.

- by about one year, the “good enough mother” gradually begins to wean the baby, realizing that there is no longer any need for her. Such a mother can comfort the baby even without "sissy", she has enough ways for this and she allows the baby to eat already varied, adult food. And he will give the necessary contact without shoving his chest, take him in his arms or talk. With feeding also, it is better not to feed than to push overfeeding;

From that moment on, the baby actively begins to hotel, feeling his importance, trusting the world, and begins to actively study it.

"A good enough mother" when the child is from 1 to 3, 5

By the end of the first year of a child's life, the “holding” function as such flows smoothly into the “holding” function. There is nothing more difficult to bear than a two-year-old child who actively learns the world, who climbs everywhere, tries everything, stomps on everything and shouts “no”, the very “no” that drives many parents crazy. By this age, the baby already knows and distinguishes between "his", "strangers", knows himself, his body, learns to feel his sphincters (potty training), a lot of things can already do on his own. One of the most important functions of a mother during this period is to form the child's self-image as "I am good!" If with self-esteem it is somehow more clear: to praise more often, to allow to take initiative, to get approval for it, then with boundaries, well, it is quite difficult. What is this buzzword border? Boundaries are a kind of invisible limits, frames that we set for ourselves and for other people. Good boundaries are when an adult can say “no” at the time, without prejudice to himself; can come to the rescue with joy, understands himself, his desires, opportunities, realistically evaluates them, and almost the most important thing - he can accept when he is denied, they say “no”.

A fairly good mother (who has her own good boundaries) can say “no” during her child's time without prejudice to herself, without devouring guilt, shame, and survive emotionally (there is no sarcasm here, because it’s not worth telling what reaction to refusal she will give healthy emotionally child). At the same time, a mother with good boundaries gives enough warmth, affection, care. This is a living mother! You can approach it with a question, get an adequate answer to it.

"A good enough mother" from 3, 5 years to 6

Mom at some point starts to fade into the background, friends-girlfriends appear, role-playing games without fuss, kindergartens, development activities …, many different interests, initiatives. But the most important "highlight of the program" is DAD. You say, what does the mother have to do with it, especially in the term "a good enough mother"? Despite the fact that for every woman, there is nothing more difficult, painful than getting out of the merger, the symbiosis of mother-child and letting the third figure into the couple - the father. The role of which is incredibly important, especially from this age. Mom not only needs to let dad into the triangle, rebuild a couple with him in her head, but also not “punish” the baby for this. How often do we hear: "All in daddy !!!", "Go to your daddy!" etc. A woman may feel jealous, angry that the child seems to be neglecting her now. But it is so important for everyone to go through this together and stay together!

For the normal development of a child at this age, it is important to know:

- Mom sleeps with dad, they have a couple, and I am their child!"

- Mom does not interfere when dad is alone with the child, does not control, does not give instructions, believes that they will cope !!!

- The child receives enough attention, enough love, enough restrictions, refusals, norms and rules for his normal development.

- The child has a safe environment, enough emotions that he can process with the help of his parents.

- Dad becomes an active participant in the educational process, where his word is appreciated, they listen to him, they want to spend time with him. Dad, the one who will help build good boundaries and establish contact with the outside world. Here, dad is open to contact and is ready to create!

How do you want to say about yourself in the term: "I am an ordinary, good enough mother !!!". Try, dear mothers, experience is a good thing, everything comes with experience, and the title of MOM is not easy to deserve, but what we were for our children, only their future will show. Children are our main investment.