2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why parents feel guilty and anxious all the time
Parents constantly hear double messages from society. On the one hand, you must be loving, patient, and kind. On the other hand, your child should not bother anyone and live up to expectations (as if you were holding him tightly). Of course, you can keep it in them, but do it so that it seems that it is not a tight-knit gauntlet, but a soft shred.
It's like with the laws in our country: you must comply with them, but at the same time everything is arranged in such a way that it is often impossible.
Double messages need to be able to recognize and fix. When you understand that the message is contradictory, it ceases to be so significant, does not lead to guilt. In many ways, this is about a strong parenting position.
☝ A parent should not make excuses in front of others, should not be a victim, should not take into account the wishes of everyone in a row.
As far as anxiety is concerned, it can be related to a person's constitution or traumatic personal experiences.
This may be anxiety associated with the psychological constitution of a person. It could be anxiety that comes from traumatic personal experiences. For example, 10 years ago a child was seriously ill, his parents were worried about him, they were afraid for his life. The child has already recovered, but the parents are still shaking for him. Everything is over, but with a part of their personality the parents still live inside this situation. You need to work with it
The way to "beat yourself on the hands" does not work here. This only increases anxiety. Excitement is also added for how what is shaking for the child will affect the child.
If you have an asthmatic reaction to pollen, you can treat it somehow. It is not enough just to say to yourself: "Do not choke - and everything will be fine!" Everyone is trying to cope with increased anxiety with some kind of rules and self-control: “That's it. I will not call the child, I will not bother the child, I will not check him. " But it often doesn't help. And then increased anxiety requires working with a psychologist❗ After all, there is always a hidden symptom behind the child's anxiety. And you can only cope with it with the help of a specialist.
Getting tired of children is normal and not ashamed
From a child, like from any other person, "communication stress" can arise. There may be situational circumstances, such as summer vacations. After the holidays, there are always many calls to psychologists, because at the end of a long weekend everyone has time to get tired of each other and quarrel.
If you spent ten days in a row with small weather children (and even if you were locked in an apartment: the weather is bad, the children caught a cold), it is very likely that you will want to send your children to kindergarten, and you yourself will be happy to work. This is fine. But if you constantly want to take a break from the child, then you already have to think why. There could be very different reasons. Perhaps this is nervous exhaustion, not connected in any way with the child.
If you are tired of the child and want to rest - tell about it. But on time. After all, parents, before admitting this, often go to the handle. And they no longer speak, but shout. If you say calmly and explain why you need to sit in silence, it will be about your needs, and not about the fact that the children got you. To endure heroically at first, and then to shout about it in an insulting manner - that's not right.
Many parents want to be perfect. There are many reasons for this: the desire to be better than your parents, to give your children what they really wanted, etc.
Parental perfectionism is expressed in everything: perfect manners, perfect looks, perfect education, perfect environment … You can go crazy. Perfectionism, in general, is not useful in anything, neither in work, nor in raising children (although perfectionists think otherwise). In reality, when a person sets a goal for himself - “for everything to be perfect,” very soon he stops doing anything at all. Or he brings himself and others to the handle, turning his life and his children into hard labor.
And if we talk about children, very often what is important for the parents is not at all important for the child. Let's say a mother is fixated on her studies, and her daughter needs clothes one size larger. Or a frank conversation with mom. You need to remember more often whose needs you are trying to satisfy: your child or your own (those that were once not satisfied)
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