A Good Enough Childhood: Six Basic Needs

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Childhood does not have to be perfect for us to grow up prosperous. As D. Winnicott put it, “good enough” is what you need. The child has certain basic needs for security, affection, autonomy, competence, free expression, and boundaries.

Insufficient (or excessive) satisfaction of these needs leads to the formation in the child of the so-called. deep beliefs - ideas about oneself, the world and other people. More precisely, deep beliefs are formed in any case, but how they sound depends on how needs are met. Core beliefs are the medium through which childhood experiences influence adult life.

Six basic needs:

1) Security

The need is met when the child grows up in a stable, safe family environment, parents are predictably available both physically and emotionally. No one is beaten, no one leaves for a long time and no one dies suddenly.

This need is not met when the child is abused in his own family or is threatened with abandonment by his parents. Alcoholism of at least one of the parents is practically a guarantee that this need has not been sufficiently satisfied.

Beliefs that are formed as a result of abuse or neglect - "I can not be safe anywhere", "something terrible can happen at any time", "I can be left by loved ones." The dominant feelings are vulnerability.

A child who feels safe can relax and trust. Without this, it is difficult for us to solve subsequent development tasks, too much energy is taken up by concern for security issues.

2) Affection

To meet this need, we need experiences of love, attention, understanding, respect, and guidance. We need this experience from both parents and peers.

There are two forms of attachment to others: intimacy and belonging. We experience closeness in relationships with close relatives, loved ones and very good friends. These are our strongest emotional connections. In the closest relationship, we feel the type of connection we had with our parents.

Affiliation happens in our social connections. This is the feeling of being included in an extended society. We get this experience with friends, acquaintances and in the communities of which we are a part.

Affiliation problems may not be as obvious. It can all look like you fit in perfectly. You have family, loved ones and friends, you are part of a community. However, inside you feel lonely and long for a relationship that you don't have. You keep people at a distance. Or it was really difficult for you to join a group of peers for various reasons: you often moved or were somehow different from others.

If the need for affection has not been met, you may feel that no one really knows you or really cares about you (there was no intimacy). Or you may feel isolated from the world and that you don't fit in anywhere (there was no belonging).

3) Autonomy

Autonomy is the ability to separate from parents and function independently in the outside world (in proportion to age). It is the ability to live separately, to have your own interests and occupations, to represent who you are and what you like, to have goals that do not depend on the opinions of your parents. It is the ability to act independently.

If you grew up in a family that welcomed autonomy, your parents taught you self-sufficiency, encouraged you to take responsibility and think independently. They encouraged you to explore the world around you and connect with peers. Without patronizing you too much, they taught you that the world can be safe and how to be safe. They encouraged you to develop a separate identity.

However, there is a variant of a less healthy environment in which addiction and merger thrive. Parents may not have taught the child the skill of self-reliance. Instead, they could do everything for you and thwart attempts at independence. You could be taught that the world is dangerous and constantly warn you about possible dangers and diseases. Your inclinations and desires were discouraged. You have been taught that you cannot rely on your own judgment or decisions. Overprotective parents may have the best intentions, they are just quite anxious themselves and try to protect the child.

Criticism from parents or other significant adults also affects (this could be a sports coach, for example). Many people with an unmet need for autonomy do not move from their parents, because they feel that they cannot cope alone or continue to make important life decisions only after consulting with their parents.

When the need for autonomy is not satisfied, beliefs can form: “I am vulnerable (a)”, “the world is cruel / dangerous”, “I have no right to have my own opinion / my life”, “I am incompetent (tna)”.

Unfulfilled need for autonomy also affects our sense of separation from other people, such people tend to live the lives of others (eg Chekhov's Darling), not giving themselves the right to theirs.

A sense of basic security and a sense of competence are essential components of autonomy.

4) Self-worth / Competence (adequate self-esteem)

Self-worth is the feeling that we are worth something in the personal, social and professional areas of life. This feeling comes from the experience of love and respect in family, school and among friends.

In an ideal world, we all had childhoods that recognized our unconditional value. We felt loved and appreciated by our peers, accepted by our peers, and successful in our studies. We were praised and encouraged without excessive criticism or rejection.

In the real world, this was not the case for everyone. Perhaps you have had a parent or sibling (brother or sister) who criticized you. Or you felt like a nonentity in your studies or sports.

In adulthood, such a person may feel insecure about some aspects of life. You lack confidence in areas of vulnerability - close relationships, social situations, or work. In these areas, you feel worse than others. You are hypersensitive to criticism and rejection. Difficulties make you feel anxious. You either avoid difficulties in these areas or find it difficult to cope with them.

When this need is not satisfied, beliefs may be formed: "something is fundamentally wrong with me", "I am not good enough (s)", "I am not smart enough / successful / talented / etc.". One of the main feelings is shame.

5) Free expression of feelings and needs / spontaneity and play

Freedom to express your needs, feelings (including negative ones), and natural inclinations. When a need is met, we feel that our needs are just as important as the needs of others. We feel free to do what we like, not just other people. We have time for fun and play, not just study and responsibilities.

In an environment that satisfies this need, we are encouraged to follow our interests and inclinations. Our needs are taken into account when making decisions. We can express emotions such as sadness and anger to the extent that it does not harm others. We are regularly allowed to be playful, carefree, and enthusiastic. We are taught the balance of work and rest / play. The restrictions are reasonable.

If you grew up in a family where this need was not taken into account, you were punished or made guilty for expressing your needs, preferences, and emotions. The needs and feelings of your parents were much more important than yours. You felt powerless. You were shamed when you were playful or foolish. Learning and achievement were much more important than pleasure and entertainment. Or such an example could be demonstrated by the parents themselves, endlessly working and rarely having fun.

When this need is not satisfied, beliefs can form: “the needs of others are more important than mine”, “negative emotions are bad / dangerous”, “anger is bad”, “I have no right to have fun”.

6) Realistic boundaries and self-control

Problems with this need are the opposite of problems with the free expression of feelings and needs. People with an unmet need for realistic boundaries neglect the needs of others. This neglect can go so far as to be seen as selfish, demanding, controlling, self-centered, and narcissistic. There may also be problems with self-control. The impulsiveness and emotionality of such people prevents them from achieving their long-term goals, they always want pleasure here and now. It is difficult for them to do routine or boring tasks, it seems to them that they are special and have special privileges.

When we grow up in an environment that encourages realistic boundaries, parents establish the consequences of our behavior that shape realistic self-control and discipline. We are not overly pampered and not given excessive freedom. We do our homework and we have responsibilities around the house, we learn to respect the rights and freedoms of others.

But not everyone had a childhood with realistic boundaries. Parents could indulge and pamper, give you whatever you wanted. Manipulative behavior was encouraged - after the tantrum, you were given what you wanted. You could express anger without any restrictions at all. You haven't had a chance to learn reciprocity. You were discouraged from trying to understand the feelings of others and to take them into account. You have not been taught self-control and self-discipline.

When this need is not satisfied, beliefs can form: “I am special”, “others are to blame for my problems”, “I should not limit myself”.

How were needs met in your childhood? Which ones were most frustrated (not satisfied)? How are you trying to satisfy them now? - questions that we sooner or later raise in psychotherapy)

Translation and adaptation by T. Pavlov

Young J. E., Klosko J. S. Reinventing your life. Penguin, 1994.

* The target audience of this text is not parents of young children, but adults studying emotional needs and their impact on development.