2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I conceived this series of articles when I once again received a question from clients about the child and the lessons in September
For several years of work, I have already formed a collective image of such a question:
- Alexander, help me, I don't know what to do with my daughter. She is 9 years old, does not do her homework in any way. If I do not check, then they will not take lessons at all. Sits down only from under the stick. How many scandals we have already had, nothing helps! Sits for hours over a notebook, toils and does all sorts of garbage. I'll check in the evening, but nothing has been done, what was sitting, what was not.
When I hear this question, I have a very vivid picture of an exhausted child and a helpless parent. The parent from helplessness begins to swear and punish. Then, when his strength runs out, he drops his hands.
This comes from the fact that the parent does not know how to organize the learning process. But with the right approach, the problem is usually easy to solve. Yes, such an organization will take some time. But you will save time on scandals and attempts to force the child to do what he does not want. You will save your nerves and efforts.
You might even be surprised that learning can strengthen a child's attachment to their parents, rather than ruin the relationship. You might be surprised that any child loves to learn and is willing to collaborate with adults. Yes, yes, it is. Even if your child is now frowning at the words “sit down for lessons” and tries to escape, believe me, he loves to learn. To do this, you need to master a few rules, which I will talk about in this series of articles. Just try to use these rules with your children and you will see that the situation is changing for the better quickly.
So this article is about how to motivate kids.
Rule: Positive instead of negative. Rewards and praise instead of threats and punishments
Everything is simple here. We have 2 ways to motivate: "stick" and "carrot". "Whip" - these are threats, promises to deprive of something, to punish. "Gingerbread" is promises of encouragement, reward.
Imagine that we need a child to do something (collect toys, do homework, sweep, take out the trash).
Knut: "Do this, otherwise I will punish you …"
What happens when we motivate a child with a whip? The child experiences a lot of "negative" emotions:
• fear of punishment, • guilt, • protest, • outrage, • irritation, • resentment, • self-pity.
They come together in one big disgust.
This disgust is transferred to the work to which we teach the child (for example, it becomes disgusting for him to collect toys, do homework, sweep, take out the trash), and gradually - to the figure of the parents. Parents who motivate their children with punishments and threats end up with childish disobedience and protest, disgust for the deeds and orders of the parents. The deed is not done or is done every time from under a stick and with a scandal, because the child puts off everything disgusting and unpleasant until the very last moment (what if he blows it over?), Tries not to do it.
If the child pulls to the last, it means that he has no desire, but there is a disgust for the case, basically he is motivated with a whip.
Gingerbread: "Do this and I will reward you …"
What happens when we motivate a child with a carrot? The child experiences a lot of positive emotions: pleasure, joy, anticipation, delight, admiration, excitement. They come together in one big wish.
This desire is transferred to the work to which we teach the child (that is, the child is happy to collect toys, does homework, sweeps, takes out the trash), and gradually - to all the requests of the parents. Parents who motivate children with rewards are encouraged to cooperate and fulfill requests. A child in this mood does the maximum that he is capable of. Because doing it is nice.
If a child cooperates with pleasure and does the maximum that he is capable of, it means that he has a desire, basically he is motivated by a carrot.
Formulate "gingerbread"
And now - the most important thing in this article: any punishment can be formulated as a reward, and vice versa, any reward can be formulated as a punishment
Compare 2 statements:
1. Children, if you don’t remove the toys, brush your teeth and go to bed, there will be no book for the night!
2. Children, let's collect toys, brush our teeth, go to bed and then we will have time to read a bedtime story. And if we do all this quickly, then we can manage even two!
The parent voices the same facts, but the emotional perception of these two phrases is radically different. In the first case, it is a whip, and in the second, a carrot. Here are some more examples.
Threat, punishment, criticism Reward, encouragement, praise
If you wave a stick carelessly, I'll take it away from you I allow you to play with a stick away from people
I do not like that you are going so slowly I like that you have already put on one sock
No cartoons for you until you collect the toys. As soon as we collect the toys, I will immediately turn on cartoons for you.
If you come back so late, I will not let you go for a walk If you want us to let you go for a walk, please call when you are late so that we don’t worry
If you study badly, you will go to work as a janitor. Study well to make it easier for you to enter college
If you don’t do it, I don’t give it. You don’t want it.
In the left column, the parent is an obstacle for the child, he takes away the joy. You want to stay away from him. I don't want to do what he says. In the second, the parent is the helper, with the help of which the child satisfies his needs. The child gets approval even for a little thing. The parent does not scold the child for not completing 90% of the task, but praises him for doing 10%.
Any punishment can be formulated as a reward
Even if a child has completed the task by 10%, he will do the job faster and with greater pleasure if he is praised that he did 10% than if he is scolded that he did not do 90%.
Perhaps, even in this case, the child is not able to do 100%, but he will definitely do the maximum that he is capable of, if he is supported in the right direction, and not scolded.
If you want your business to be done to the best of your ability, find something to praise for
What are the awards?
The best reward for both children and parents is the time spent together, when the parent is playing with the child, busy with his needs. It remains extremely valuable even for large children. For parents, this award is good because it is absolutely free.
The second most important reward is praise and support.
It often happens that parents do not know what to do with their children or they do not have time. And parents accustom their children to material rewards: buy, give, pay … Then children get used to the fact that contact with parents is carried out through things, and the degree of love begins to be assessed through the quantity and value of things: bought - love, did not buy - do not love. Children in such a family receive little real love and the need to fill the void with things is growing strongly. But no matter how much the child tries to replace love with things, he is not satiated and requires more and more toys, they become more and more expensive. But this again does not bring saturation.
This kind of upbringing is fraught with several problems:
1. An extensive topic arises for manipulating parents (buy - I'll do it), 2. Dislike and the habit of replacing love with things increase the risk of developing addiction (alcoholic, drug, etc. - an attempt to compensate for love with a drug), 3. Contact with parents is carried out only in the material sphere, the desire to cooperate arises only after the promise of another purchase, 4. In order to meet the growing needs of the child, parents have to work even more and spend even less time with their children.
To get out of this vicious circle, you need to go back to love in the form of attention and time spent together:
You don't love me, you didn't buy me a toy!
I love you, but I won't buy a toy. We can take a longer walk with you, if you want, or we can play at home.
This behavior removes the reasons for parental manipulation and saturates the child's need for attention and care.
The best reward for children is time with their parents
Finally:
1. The carrot and stick rule works and works very quickly. Once you genuinely praise your kids for what they've done, they're motivated to do it.
2. This works not only with school and lessons, but with any habits you want to develop in children.
3. Be consistent. If there are several sticks for a few gingerbread, then the motivation will be mixed and it is not known what will win.
I wish you success! To be continued…
Alexander Musikhin, psychologist, psychotherapist
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