How To Love Yourself And Not Become Selfish

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-15 16:05

Let's make a linguistic correction right away. Let's clarify three concepts: egoism, egocentrism and narcissism.

Selfishness - selfishness, preference for personal interests over public ones. This behavior is completely determined by thoughts of one's own benefit. With the beginning of the Enlightenment, people considered the concept of "egoism" to be a kind of engine of progress and a sign of awakening human activity. If our ancestors did not care about their comfort, they would not have learned to sew clothes from skins, make dishes and light a fire.

Egocentrism (from ancient Greek Εγώ - "I" and Latin centrum - "center of the circle") - the inability or unwillingness of the individual to consider a point of view other than his own. She simply does not deserve attention. For an egocentric person, his point of view is the only one that exists.

Narcissism - a character trait that speaks of excessive narcissism and overestimated self-esteem, which in most cases does not correspond to reality. Narcissism is a personality disorder.

So, it is with egocentrism that egoism is often confused.

After all, egocentrism is a state when a person does not notice anyone except himself, focuses only on his desires and ignores the environment in which he lives.

And egoism is a state when a person takes into account his interests and gives them preference in some situations. This is a completely healthy phenomenon.

It is not for nothing that the phrase "healthy egoism" has been introduced into speech circulation.

Even the Bible contains the phrase "Love others as yourself." But how can you love others if you don’t love yourself? How can you love others if you do not know how to love yourself? It is impossible to share with others the experience that you do not have.

You know that on board the aircraft, in case of unforeseen circumstances, parents should wear oxygen masks first.

on myself, and then on the children.

We sorted out the linguistic features.

Further I will use the word "egoism" that we are used to, but we will already bear in mind that what we are afraid of is most likely called egocentrism.

Why is there a fear of being suspected of selfishness?

Basically, society cultivates collective relationships, and the tasks of the collective take precedence over the tasks of the individual. If a person was noticed in selfishness, he became an outcast and excluded from society.

Based on the characteristics of the human psyche, one of the deepest fears is the fear of being excluded, expelled from the group. This ancient fear stems from the fact that, in the old days, being banished meant literally death.

Therefore, when we are faced with the possibility of being condemned by a group, namely, being called selfish, then we experience that animal fear.

Contrasting selfishness, on the one hand, and self-love, on the other.

“If we sacrifice ourselves to our loved ones, then we end up with hatred for the one we love"

George Bernard Shaw

The instructions of the collective quite often contradict the wishes of the individual. It seems that if you love yourself, you automatically become selfish. We tend to think in polar terms: either-or. Or me or the team. As if it is impossible to love yourself and not be selfish at the same time.

For example, a mother who goes to a manicure sends her child to an interesting drawing section. At the same time, the mother worries about herself and comes up with an interesting pastime for the child.

Some mothers donate their time to their children so much that there is nothing left for themselves. As a result, they become angry and annoyed with their children.

Therefore, healthy selfishness is a good tool for regulating relationships and maintaining a give-and-take balance.

On the other hand, if a mother is completely occupied with herself, and does not pay attention to children, this also cannot be the foundation for building healthy relationships.

And what if you find a way to combine your desires and the desires of society / group / family: allow yourself to want and desire what is not prohibited in society. After all, what is not forbidden is allowed, right?

Indeed, not all of our prohibitions are formed by what society is not allowed to do. A huge number of our restrictions are located in our head and are dictated by our own prohibitions. These prohibitions often have nothing to do with today's reality.

Let's say a wife plays the role of a housewife, because she believes that she must serve her household and sacrifice herself. She chooses to fully devote her time to serving the family, while she does not find time for her own needs, as a person, as a person, as a woman.

But in our society, there is no such rigid attitude. A woman is not prohibited from expressing herself, working, fulfilling herself, finding her vocation. These are her own prohibitions and prescriptions. The attitude “to sacrifice oneself to the family” sits in her head and, often, prevents her from living a full life.

I am a victim.

Sacrifice is very strongly cultivated in our culture and religion.

It is an honor to be a victim. To be a victim is to give all of yourself to the needs of the group. This group can be family, society, organization.

The question arises: if such an exchange is equivalent, then it makes sense, because any system strives for balance.

However, when failures occur in a give-take relationship in a society, family or organization, the person remains dissatisfied and realizes that he has not been given enough. And this leads to the position of the victim.

A victim is when you have been treated unfairly (often in your subjective opinion).

Sacrifice occurs when you cannot claim your rights and demand compensation for your contribution to a common cause. And you can demand compensation, that is, restore justice, only when you know about your rights, when you love yourself and treat yourself with respect.

Society benefits from scaring you out of the group. The less you are focused on your needs, the more you will give to society and not demand anything in return. Therefore, being “selfish” is shameful and shameful. Shame and guilt are some of the main ways to manipulate you and keep you on a tight leash.

But there is also another extreme. Completely ignore the foundations and opinions of society. This is precisely what is called egocentrism or unhealthy egoism.

Why is he unwell?

Because if a person completely ignores the opinion and laws of society, then he really can be expelled or isolated. Moreover, if you ignore the interests of the environment, then this will mean that you will not be able to be in contact with the environment, cooperate, and form relationships.

If you completely ignore the interests of the environment, you will lose many of the benefits. It is not profitable for you.

Why are humans social creatures? Because in some cases it is easier to literally survive as a group and achieve common goals. It's different with individual goals.

It turns out that the answer to the question "How to love yourself and not become an egoist" is quite simple. First you need to love yourself: learn about your desires, interests, needs.

How to find out about your desires?

Back in the last century, social psychologists discovered that when people organize themselves into groups, they turn into one organism with similar desires, plans and dreams. It is difficult to isolate your own desires in a group. It is necessary to separate, separate (sometimes, enough, psychologically) from the group, family, organization. Separation is needed in order not to merge with the needs of the group.

After that, you can build new partnerships. They are possible only when you know what you want, why and why you need it. In this case, the group will not have a strong influence on you.

How to love yourself?

Stop comparing yourself to others.

Focusing on the opinions of others knocks the ground out from under your feet, since the question arises as to what opinion to focus on today. Yesterday was one thing, tomorrow another and you will not be able to follow the chosen path.

This does not mean that the opinions of other people should be ignored and disregarded. This also does not mean that you should close yourself off from other people's opinions. On the border of the contact between my opinion and the other, something third is born, no less valuable. This experience is very important. But one thing is important - the landmark should be inside, not outside.

2. Stop criticizing yourself.

Why is criticism not beneficial to you at all? Because there are so many critics in our world. It seems that it is passed on with the mother's milk and continues in social interactions in some natural way.

We are all accustomed to the fact that we didn’t fulfill something, that we didn’t hold out somewhere, we didn’t finish something and we didn’t manage somewhere. Society informs us about this with pleasure. But praise is somehow forgotten. One gets the impression that if a person has done something good, then it should be so. There is no need to praise the good. And this is incorrect a priori. If there is something to blame, then there is something to praise. Therefore, in order to restore balance and internal justice, it is necessary to reduce the share of criticism directed at you. And it's better to remove it altogether and increase the amount of praise.

3. Don't force yourself.

Why does violence never lead to a positive result, and there can be no question of pleasure? Because if a person rapes himself, then all the forces of the body will be directed towards resistance. There will be no resources for gaining new experience, digesting it and enjoying the process.

If a person rapes himself, he becomes his own enemy. Imagine that you are cooperating with the enemy, living with him under the same roof. Such a life is poisoned and devoid of pleasure.

There is definitely the concept of effort. It is fundamentally different from violence, although both actions are charged with a lot of energy.

The difference is that violence (self-violence) is aimed at fighting oneself, and the effort is at overcoming difficulties, solving problems, exploring new topics and being interested in them.

4. Allow yourself to be a child.

Why is it important?

To awaken the internal energy, which forms a good attitude towards ourselves, we need to understand what we really want, what we enjoy.

Children know almost everything about joy and pleasure. Their impulses are open and honest. If they are engaged in some business, they are totally absorbed by the process.

We need to allow ourselves to hear the little girl or boy inside and go after their desires. Everyone has them, only they are behind the rubble of conventions, adult tasks and stereotypes.

Thanks to the realization of a childhood dream, we will be able to get on the wave and feel our today's desires.

Therefore, think about how your inner child could be happy and, forward, to receive pleasure and joy!

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Exercises

In order to feel a warm attitude towards yourself, I propose a creative exercise - "Ode to yourself."

Take a piece of paper, relax, look in the mirror. It would be nice if no one would bother you at this time. Listen to yourself.

Think about what you can praise yourself for? What would you like to do?

Write an ode about it. You can in verse, if this format suits you better. Write whatever comes to mind. Praise yourself. Do not be shy. Wish yourself all the best. Talk about how you are worthy of love, kindness and every success.

Write yourself a few odes. The one that you liked the most, the one that touched you deeply, and will truly be yours.

Place it in a frame and place it in a prominent place. From time to time meet her eyes, read, notice how your mood rises. The main thing is to fix that while reading this work, you feel good, warm, calm and the world around you starts to play with bright colors.

And another great exercise that will definitely affect the improvement of self-esteem is keeping a diary of successes.

The "Diary of Success" is very important, because few of us know how and dare to praise ourselves. Many people believe that in order to receive approval and praise, they must complete an extra task and apply extra effort. We do not believe in our worth, and therefore we do not have confidence in our abilities, but we have low self-esteem.

"Success Diary", where you will write down your achievements, will help you see yourself from the other side - as a person who is talented, who has great ideas and a lot of things. The purpose of this diary is to learn to praise yourself for something that you didn’t succeed yesterday, but is already doing well today, even if it’s something not very significant.

This activity teaches us to treat ourselves with respect, to cultivate inner dignity and faith in ourselves. Because most of all, on the new path, you need inner support.