Comfortable Person

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How often do we think about being comfortable with others and don't want to admit it to ourselves? How often do we scold ourselves for not showing feelings, conceding our success to another, we cannot refuse a request? How often do we "eat" ourselves alone with ourselves for weakness, invaluableness?

Since there is an unconscious desire to be good: unwillingness to defend our opinion only because we do not want to hurt others, we do not defend ourselves when we are uncomfortable in a relationship in order to not offend our partner and not be bad in his eyes; we do not say “no” because we are worried that we will look ignorant; ready to give up their success or the path to it without a struggle, because someone needs it more than us; ready to help everyone but not ask in return, etc.

When do we remember ourselves? We remember about ourselves only when we are offended, pushed to the backyard without our consent, ignored, only then we can remember this for a long time alone with ourselves. Such people are not used to showing their feelings openly, as well as paying attention to themselves, because it is inconvenient for others. How to express your feelings of resentment, pain, misunderstanding by others, because you need to be comfortable and always good, not to show feelings.

What is the way out? The way out is in "self-criticism", when the inner speech turns into a criticizing parent of eating calm day and night. An inner tyrant who is angry, hates himself and waterly and at the same time enjoys this self-hatred. We cannot sleep peacefully without criticizing the offenders and ourselves for weaknesses. Morning begins with the same, and in the afternoon finds expression in a mask of strength and happiness. Such a run can last a lifetime under the slogan “Look, I'm perfect, good, I can’t dislike you”

Let me give you an example from therapy. Client S. asked for help with the problem of inner emptiness, disappointment, and loneliness. She always wanted to please her husband, children, be a better wife and mother. The realization that something went wrong came to her on her birthday, when her husband once again did not remember the date, and the children mentioned it in passing. S. argued that this was almost always the case, her husband never gave gifts, did not praise, did not admire, did not talk about love, took her efforts for granted, calling her “my Cinderella”. The family, according to S., is ideal, no quarrels, no scandals, a wonderful loving couple. But there is one problem, S. is unhappy and tired of the feeling of non-existence in the family, and indeed in life in general. S., speaking out her feelings, asserted: I do not like me, I am like an empty place, I do not deserve attention, I only owe everyone, and they are not interested in my feelings, thoughts, experiences. In the process of work, it turned out that the same situation in work and communication.

Let's try to reveal this mechanism and show how it is formed. This mechanism originates in early childhood, when the child is taught to be comfortable for the parents, not to create problems. The emotional bond is formed as follows: if you are convenient to me - then good, loved, not comfortable - bad, unloved. Thus, the child gets used to deserve love in a paradoxical way: I am loved only when I do not express myself, when I do not. In the future, a person begins to be ashamed of feelings and emotional manifestations, referring them to the category of weaknesses.

In such families, parents are usually very busy (work, sorting out relationships, building another family, etc.), and the child, his feelings and needs take a secondary place. It can happen differently when the child is constantly limited in the manifestations of his individuality, where the leitmotif is the following judgments: "It's a shame", "Don't disgrace me", "Give in to others", "Do not be the first to be active", "Do not go where they are not asked" … This attitude manifests itself when the parent himself is traumatized by such a relationship and, often, has a conditional (unconscious) value to be comfortable. So, from early childhood, a child is instilled with the understanding that not showing feelings, ignoring them, being comfortable with another is the way to success, achievement, love. Thus, being good for everyone, not refusing requests, giving in, enduring begins to be the value of a person's life.

What happens next when the life strategy does not change? An internal contradiction, the manifestation of which we observe in psychosomatics (insomnia, allergies, etc.), increased anxiety, aggressiveness or excessive passivity, and depression, is becoming more acute. And so the aforementioned client S. felt the need for the help of a psychologist only when her condition became unbearable, and her prettier was no longer evaluated. S. realized that she does not know what she really is, what she wants, what she dreams about. Instance "I" of such a person is as if undeveloped to the end, it froze in the period of trauma. So a person often gets used to such forms of behavior and the feeling of not being valuable as a person. By devaluing his feelings, and sometimes his activities, a person condemns himself to suffering, which he has no right to say. Not in the right, because it is inconvenient, embarrassing and in the end it will cause inconvenience to someone. Thus, the personality falls into a "vicious circle" in which constructive energy is lost.

The task of the psychologist in this case is to reveal the illusory nature of such a “vicious circle”, namely the understanding of the mechanisms that are involved in the paradoxical receipt of love and recognition. Therapy of such clients should be based on the development of "I", awareness of the role of childhood in life, working through traumatic experiences, disclosing the conventions of values, etc. Revealing oneself, realizing the intrinsic value of one's "I", developing reflection will reveal the personality and direct it towards self-realization.

Kalashnik Ilona