Will It Endure, Fall In Love? Psychologist Larisa Bandura

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A girl does not marry for love because she cannot be with a loved one. Unlike the chosen partner, who loves her and is ready to fulfill any desires, the girl does not feel either sexual or psychological attachment, she can be annoyed by the behavior of the companion, while the latter is quite loyal to such an attitude towards himself and agrees to endure it. The advantages for a woman in this case are a reliable rear, confidence in the future, a rest from unsuccessful past relationships in which they "wiped" their feet on her. Such a life together can be called "loneliness together." What is the prognosis of the couple from the point of view of psychology?

If you look at the situation described above, we see that the girl's libido is directed at the "bad" men, that is, in relationships in which she will be offended. She probably even had feelings for a previous partner who did not appreciate her.

If you do not work on yourself and do not change anything in your views, of all the possible options, this is the best that can be in a girl's life. If you try to work out the psychological trauma (in most cases they were received in early childhood), as a result of which such an attraction arose, it is likely that the girl may wake up libido for a new partner, she can fall in love and appreciate everything that is done for the sake of her.

During the course of therapy, such a person can learn to experience joy, gratitude, and even love for their partner. The general perception of the current situation is changing dramatically, there is an understanding that many unmet children's needs can be fully satisfied with accompanying care, kindness and generosity. Without therapeutic intervention, the girl will continue to suffer, deeply experiencing a relationship in which she did not make a choice (of her own free will she would like to stay with another man, but finding herself in a forced situation, she had to accept the imposed conditions). In fact, this is a choice without a choice, respectively, a one-sided responsibility (on the part of the partner who made the offer). Getting moral satisfaction in this case is almost impossible.

This situation is characterized by a lack of understanding of the value of the partner's actions, consciousness completely rejects the feeling of responsibility for the events taking place.

What is the possible forecast for the development of relations? Every day, the girl will be more and more dissatisfied, unhappy and irritable, while the partner, on the contrary, will suffer, get upset and disappointed, but at the same time try more to please.

Why do men choose this type of woman - rejecting, cold, emotionally closed, detached? The choice of the type of female figure for building further relationships is directly related to the mother's figure and the characteristics of attachment organized between the man and the next of kin. It is based on an unsatisfied male need - for example, in recognition of certain merits (Look, I am worthy of your love! Can't you see?).

The following three situations can be considered as examples:

1. Life story. The woman loved the man very much, but they parted. Over time, she married another without love and much older than her, gave birth to a child and divorced. Years passed, the woman met her first love again, the couple decided to live together. A few years later, the second husband drank himself to death, the family broke up. As a result, the child did not receive the necessary flow of love from the family (he was redirected past, to a man outside the family system), as a result - bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Quite often, children or grandchildren pay for such "sins" of parents. Within the framework of the course of family systemic psychotherapy, it is possible to clearly trace the negative impact on children of the lack of parental love.
2. The story of Scarlett O'Hara (Gone with the Wind). Throughout her life, the main character loved, idolized and idealized Ashley, an unattainable object for herself. This love poisoned her family relationship with Rhett Butler. Scarlett realizes her mistake only at the moment when Ashley's wife (Melanie) dies. It turns out that all her life she was fascinated by the ideal of a strong and unbending person in the image of Ashley Wilkes. Seeing a grief-stricken man, completely destroyed and weak, tired and unsure of himself, Scarlett was deeply disappointed in her ideal. As long as the object of passion was idealized, Scarlett invested in him some kind of fantasy, libido, excitement and attraction. Having received the opportunity to be close to her ideal, the main character completely rethought her life position and family relationships. It was at this moment that she was able to appreciate all the qualities of her husband, whom she had previously perceived as an object of hatred and a forced choice due to an uncomplicated relationship with Ashley.
3. From the stories of practicing psychiatrists. The girl had a platonic phase of libido development for many years. Living in marriage, she always dreamed of another man. However, having met with him, she could not build a relationship, since the libido to the object of attraction fell, the idealized image disintegrated. What decision did the woman make? She found a new object for the idealization and realization of the platonic phase of libido. The woman continued to satisfy the needs of an erotic and sexual nature with her husband. In such a situation, one can judge about a kind of splitting of the psyche and its insufficient maturity, respectively, the person does not perceive his partner as a whole (there are certain contradictions inside the consciousness, the conflict is gradually growing). There is an option that over time the girl will survive the loss of her previous relationship and will be able to adapt to the existing one, appreciate the man next to her. However, the probability of such a prognosis is very low (one can draw an analogy with the question to the doctor - "Will the tumor dissolve on its own?").

What are the methods of getting out of this situation for a man?

1. To become a "bad" boy - to demonstrate the negative sides of your character, to set clear boundaries in a relationship (reject a girl, deny certain desires, etc.). Perhaps at some point, the girl's libido will wake up. However, the option is rather controversial.
2. Stop trying and come to terms with the current situation, do not torture yourself. Perhaps living on the principle of "loneliness together" is the most acceptable option in this case.
3. Take a course of therapy and, with the help of a psychotherapist, figure out what prompts you to stay in such a relationship (analyze internal patterns and motives, find out the true reasons for the inner aspiration of the soul).
4. Visit a therapist with a partner (family therapy).

What is a woman to do? Alternatively, take a course of psychotherapy on your own. However, in this case, the final decision should be made by the woman, there should be no pressure from the partner. In addition, it is important enough that this choice is deliberate and deliberate. If, in this situation, a person is confronted with a fact, it will be a re-living of the principle of “choice without choice” (given the forced situation in this zone, a partner can attend sessions “for evil” - “Look, I go to therapy, but nothing changes! It simply cannot be changed!”). At therapy sessions, a woman will be able to understand why everything happened this way and the attraction to another partner remained, with which the subconscious choice of this particular person is connected.

In the case of an independent study of the problem, it is imperative to take a closer look at the man nearby, find positive aspects in his character, and react less to possible shortcomings. For a better perception and a more complete assessment, you can make a list of 30 points, carefully analyzing the positive aspects of a person's character and evaluating his actions. What is the advantage of this approach? In some cases, this allows you to rethink the relationship or, conversely, come to terms with the situation and find positive moments.