Talking About The Past In A New Relationship. Or How To "lie" Correctly So That Everything Is Fair

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Well, why didn't he / she tell / and me about it then? …

It could have changed everything. Then I could / could … and so on, in the context of a specific story

What a sincere pain often lurks in the eyes of a client during a session when he, like a broken record, repeats this same rhetorical question.

It is a very common case when quite strong relations collapse like a high-rise building during an earthquake due to some unexpectedly emerging facts.

By themselves, they may not be terrible at all (although … anything can happen), but the fact that they were hidden from a partner hurts and destroys the idea of trust, builds a wall of resentment and easily destroys what seemed solid.

No, this is not about infidelity, the presence of parallel families, etc.

We are talking about important significant facts in fate that were hidden at the stage of building relationships

Every person's life is unique and special. Each of us has our own path, our own feelings, meanings, our joys, peculiarities of relations with the world, people and systems in which we are embedded.

To say that our life completely depends only on ourselves is a clear distortion of objective facts in favor of the theory of omnipotence

Everything that happens in the life of any person depends on many factors and circumstances.

At the same time, it is by no means worth underestimating the role of the person himself in it.

One of the important and meaningful contexts that determine the quality of our life is relationships

With parents and children, relatives, marriage partner, friends and colleagues, friends and even unfamiliar people with whom we come across in life.

Relationships are the most important resource, and their quality determines a lot in life

When it comes to parents, children, colleagues - this is a given within which we manifest and interact.

But there are types of relationships that we choose, are responsible for them and with the consequences of which we then live.

Personal relationships are just such a context

In it, indeed, a lot depends on ourselves, on our choices, actions, feelings, spoken and unspoken words, trust in relationships and respect for the life of another person.

No one is immune from unexpected and not always pleasant discoveries related to the past of their loved one. Especially when they have their influence and make inevitable and not at all desirable adjustments in life

After the age of 35-40, most people have some kind of relationship in the past.

… Not all the details from which it is necessary and worth communicating to a new partner.

To start a relationship or get married, no one is obliged to give a detailed account of all the details of their past life.

And often people prefer to keep silent about any facts that can directly or indirectly affect the relationship at the initial stage, complicate it or call into question their possible future.

There is often a very positive intention behind this:

Do not complicate the relationship, do not load with "unnecessary" information, give a chance to the relationship to start despite …

Moreover, if the relationship seems to be short-term.

This is the right and choice of any person, but there is also a temptation to deprive another person of important information and freedom of choice associated with it.

Relationships are not always predictable, and even if at first they are perceived as short-term or unimportant, sometimes they develop into long and serious ones

It happens, of course, and vice versa.

It's about not missing the moment when the trust becomes important.

This is the time to think about openness, its scope and reasonable limits.

Openness should not be confused with honesty, because by telling honestly about something insignificant, we can always hide something more important.

There are many examples of such cases:

In some cases, after several years of marriage, a woman finds out that her husband has several children from previous informal relationships.

and understands the real reason for the constant financial difficulties, which she explained to herself in a different way.

In others, a woman is horrified to discover that her spouse has a serious mental illness, with a high risk of a hereditary factor, which both he and his parents clearly knew about, but were silent at the time of marriage. The spouses have common children, and this turns the woman's subsequent life into a constant fear that the disease will develop in them too.

In situations like this, the trauma is imprinted on consciousness by its leaden weight.

The person is aware of the passivity of his role. Even if it was an unconscious choice, it doesn't make it any easier.

In some cases, the transition to the active position is possible, while in others there is only a place for rethinking, and for accepting that which cannot be chosen anew, for trying to learn to live with new facts.

Questions of morality, honesty and responsibility in relationships are a purely individual matter and psychologists / analysts do not set themselves the task of assessing certain actions of people

But still, there are general recommendations regarding facts about yourself that should and should not be communicated to a new partner if there is a goal to build long-term trusting relationships

What not to tell a new partner:

-How and why did you break up with your past partner, - how many partners you had and how exactly did you relate to each of them.

- evaluate them and discuss personal details.

- make excuses for some things from your past and try to explain them.

What is worth reporting:

- about the real composition of your family, including children from previous relationships, - about the state of health, if there are important nuances.

- about the real marital status at the moment.

- about large debts, unpaid loans and other facts. the consequences of which can seriously affect safety.

We ourselves make our choice every time we choose to be silent or inform a loved one about something important.

Of course, we always have conscious and unconscious reasons, but

incomplete information, misrepresentation of important facts - risks that always have a feedback loop.