2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Are you able to ask? Or do you think that "a normal person should guess everything himself, there is no need to ask him"?
In close relationships and not very often it happens that we believe that the Other must understand everything himself and do what we need - move the chair if the chair interferes with us; close the window - “you can see that I'm blowing and I'm already cold”, treat him if he eats himself; give way to a better seat. And do a ton of other things for our good
And if the relationship is close, all the more measured in years, then he simply must be able to read thoughts, guess desires and immediately respond to them! Otherwise, is it friendship, is it love? "The one who loves, understands, and if he does not understand, then he will never understand what to explain to him …"
He must understand what I want - this time.
And second - he should immediately give me what I want. Myself! Without any requests on my part. Otherwise, he does not love me.
Indeed, a human being is able to understand another being without words, otherwise we would simply not have survived. When a child is born, the mother, by his behavior, by the screams and grimaces, understands what the cub wants, and a “good enough mother” more often responds to requests than not.
It is enough for a newborn to fidget in the crib, make a sour face, and the mother will give him a breast
Many of us still have the belief that this should work as well in the adult world
That it is enough for me to make a sour face, to fidget, expressing dissatisfaction, and the other is obliged to respond and make me feel good! In this case, we want the other person to be with us in the same relationship as a mother with a baby up to six months. I read thoughts, reacted to every sneeze, cared. And all this without further ado on our part!
When a child grows up, he has to actively ask in order to get something from the mother. "Mom, well, buy, buy, please, ahh!" Here, more often the mother says no. Don't touch it, you can't. Don't take it, it's mine, I won't buy it, you won't go, you can't go there. The child finds out that the mother does not always respond readily to his requests. And an adult knows that "they can and send."
Not only is it embarrassing to ask, it’s unsafe, you discover your neediness, you become more open, vulnerable. You still publicly declare that you want something from another person. And not only do you want, you also ask.
And just a declaration of your needs and the needs of your family is not enough.
It's one thing to say: “I would like to go to the Hellenger constellation course, I'm very interested in this”, another thing is “please pay me psychological courses” or “stay with the children, three days a month for a year and a half while I am engaged in self-education”
Such a direct request may be answered with a refusal. And who wants to feel like a fool, to experience rejection.
It is much more pleasant to feel offense. They do not understand me, do not love me, do not care about me.
Asking is labor
First, you need to understand what I want. And what exactly do I want from this person.
Secondly, it still needs to be formulated and said.
Thirdly, - to have to ask, surrendering to the will of another person - he wants to give, but he wants not to give - his right.
It's fair to say that you don't always have to ask.
Sometimes your request is only formally a "request", in fact it is an "indication". If you are talking to a hired employee, and your request is included in his area of responsibility, then most likely what you are saying is an indication. In this case, you do not surrender to the will of another person - he wants to do it, he wants to - no.
If you go to work and ask your children: one to wash the dishes, the other to change the water in the aquarium, then you are giving instructions, not forgiving. And after returning from work, for sure, ask them.
But if you are in a horizontal plane with another person - you are on an equal footing, then the only thing you can do to get what you need is to ask.
But this is a variant of the honest path. And then there are grievances, hanging feelings of guilt, shame, blackmail. True, they all work only as long as your loved one agrees to play these games.
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