2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Stroking is a generic name for any behavior that confirms the presence of another person. In transactional analysis, this is one of the fundamental concepts. The name suggests that the roots go back to our childhood, where literally touching a child is of great importance.
The person needs stroking. And VERY strong. Much stronger than it can be seen from the outside. Transactional analysts would argue on this point that the need for strokes (or likes) is the reason people create and play psychological games.
The need for stroking is basic. And "asking" for them seems completely natural. But!
Very often there is a prohibition on the request for stroking. A person forbids himself to do this. Here are some examples:
It's a shame to ask for a compliment …
It is indecent to boast and talk about your successes …
It is not good to ask for a salary increase …
Here I will once again tell you what (how) good (good) I am …
The main internal protest is the reluctance to ask. I remember the saying "don't believe, don't be afraid, don't ask" … But it is somewhat from a different context. Prison context. An environment in which these principles really help you survive and NOT worsen your situation. “Don't believe” - because you shouldn't trust anyone, otherwise you will be handed over quickly and with pleasure. “Do not be afraid”, otherwise the feeling of fear will transfer you into the position of the victim, and then violence cannot be avoided. And “don't ask,” because the position of the one asking is very vulnerable and gives others ways to manipulate him.
Therefore, many people really do not like to ask. No compliments, no support, no recognition. They are afraid of being weak or falling into a dependent victim position.
Of course, there are those who ask for strokes or allude to strokes more often than it might seem.
Apparently, therefore, it is easier to play a game than to ask frankly and head-on. Get a new hairstyle. Get a top five. Upload a new photo. To write an article…
But you should listen carefully to yourself and ask the question:
"Am I forbidding myself to ask others for stroking?"
Any prohibition is a conviction, restriction, attitude. Often we could have inherited something from our parents and significant others. For example, “it’s embarrassing to brag,” “it’s not good to boast,” “it’s indecent to talk a lot about yourself.” Being engaged in personal therapy, I was very surprised when such prohibitive attitudes "surfaced" in me.
Asking for strokes is normal and natural. This is one of the main qualities if we want to return to our true self, to find an integral, real self. Otherwise, we split into two halves. One wants attention, compliments and recognition. And the other forbids wanting it.
Vostrukhov Dmitry Dmitrievich, psychologist, psychotherapist
It's never too late to return to yourself!
It can also be easy and enjoyable.
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