2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A man died in the circle of my family. A friend of our family has died. This event raised many thoughts and experiences related to the rules of experiencing mourning.
What not to do:
Hide death, especially from loved ones.
In my psychotherapeutic practice, there have been cases when the truth has been hidden from a close family member for years.
They did not tell the child for six months that his mother had died, they "took care"; hid from the grandmother that her son had died, "they were afraid to upset her."
At these moments I fall into a stupor, it is even difficult for me to argue why this should not be done. In this case, a person who lives in ignorance begins to exist in two parallel realities - in one reality - he feels that something is happening - he sees signs of grief in the family, feels it with his skin - grief cannot be hidden, it is in the air. He feels that something has happened, but when he tries to clarify what, he is told: “Everything is all right, it seems to you. Things are good." "Mom just went on a business trip." "He just doesn't call, he has a lot to do."
A feeling of complete madness … When you feel that something is happening, but you are told the opposite all the time, it’s so short and crazy to go crazy, in a double reality.
Why don't they say: "He / she will not survive this news."
Death is part of life. An adult has a loss experience.
The child may not have this experience, so they tell him, choosing words that are understandable at his age. BUT SPEAK!
The younger the child, the more fabulous and metaphorical the story is.
“Mom left for a distant country from which there is no way back. Left forever. We all cry and miss her. She will never return."
It is quite possible for an older child to say that his mother is dead and talk about it as much as he needs.
To hide the death of a loved one from an adult is sheer mockery. It is worth considering why it is so cruel to care about him, hiding such important news for him.
Avoid funerals by trying to remember a loved one alive.
One of the initial stages of grief is denial. It is very difficult to believe that a person who was still alive yesterday died today. That he is no longer there.
The funeral is designed to help you get through this stage. "See with my own eyes". All rituals with vigil near the coffin, with throwing a handful of earth - step by step bring a person to the realization of what exactly happened.
Often only in the last moments, when the coffin is already covered with earth, men manage to cry. Realize what happened and let go of control for a moment. It is important to maintain these sobs, and not to shame and silence the person.
Previously, they even invited professional mourners to wake up grief with their lamentations and give them the opportunity to shed life-giving tears.
Intolerance to strong feelings, makes us cut off another person in his grief. Being around acute grief is a big challenge. But in this case, it is enough just to be - not to shut up, not to shame, not to run away. And just listen and be there.
With a small child, there must always be someone nearby. Just in the same room. Not imposing. Just to make it clear that he is not alone.
Canonize the deceased. To make of his room is a mausoleum, and his things are shrines.
Surely he was just a man and was not perfect or a saint.
Some of his things can be useful to someone from the living, and in part there is no longer any need, and something especially valuable can be left in memory of him.
Devote your life to finding the culprit.
This is the road to nowhere. The need to fill the void and find someone on whom you can take out all the evil and present all the bills.
Eating up with guilt.
What happened cannot be returned.
I have been working with people who are going through the death of loved ones for many years, and I know how difficult it is to see the true limits of my responsibility.
Stop your life in memory of a loved one. Bury yourself with him.
There is such an expression “Life in the presence of the absent”. He has been gone for a long time, but his whole life is being built as if he were there.
On average, the mourning process lasts about 1.5 years. During this time, if this process does not specifically stop or if another loss is not imposed, the person goes through all the stages of grief and is reborn, begins to live again in full strength, make plans for the future, make new friends, let someone into his heart.
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