Oncology In Loved Ones - "help, Do Not Save"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Beginning

Support for patient independence and initiative

Every family with a cancer patient wants to help him and feels responsible for his support. At the same time, it is very important that the patient's relatives do not forget about their own needs and give the patient the opportunity to take responsibility for their own health. The Simonton method is based on the idea that each patient can actively influence their recovery. Therefore, it is essential that the family treats him as a responsible person and not as a helpless child or victim.

Support should not turn a sick person into a child

How far should your support for a cancer patient extend? It is best if you can support the patient without turning him into an unreasonable child. When parents believe that their child is still too young, they do not believe in his ability to make decisions and can sometimes simply disorient him. Below is an example of such a variant of the attitude towards the patient.

Patient: I am afraid of this treatment. I don’t want him. I don't think it will help me at all.

The answer that diminishes the patient's ability: Well, you know that this is necessary! It doesn't hurt at all and is very useful for you. And let's not talk about it anymore!

The treatment in question can be quite painful, therefore such an answer is a deliberate lie, it humiliates the patient, makes him an unreasonable baby and suggests that we do not believe that he is able to control his own life. When a sick person or someone close to him experiences fear, it is very important that they communicate with each other as adults, realistically and openly discussing the likelihood of risk and possible pain. Here is an example of such a response to a patient's fears:

Patient Support Response: I understand you're scared. I myself am afraid of this treatment and do not really understand all the medical details. But I am with you and I will be with you all this time. I will do everything I can to make it easier for you! I think you should take this course. And I also think that it is very important that you, like all of us, believe that it will help.

Even in cases where a child has cancer, it is important to offer him your support and not make him an unreasonable baby. If a child is sick, this does not mean that he is not able to decide something. In addition, because children do not have feelings as deeply hidden as adults, and they do not tend to judge themselves for them, children are often much better at coping with difficult experiences than adults. If you don't treat your child like a little one, you will show that you believe in him. Therefore, if a child is afraid of treatment, you can tell him the following:

Patient Support Response: Yes, it can be painful, it is understandable that you are afraid. But this treatment is necessary to get better, and I will be with you all the time.

This last "I will be with you" is the most important thing.

No persuasion and kind words can be compared with the fact that you will be with a loved one, no matter how old he is.

Support without trying to "save"

The desire to treat a cancer patient like a little one is associated with the desire to become his “savior”. The founder of transactional analysis - Eric Berne and his follower - Claude Steiner, author of the books "Games of Alcoholics" and "Theater of the Living", spoke about the role of "savior" that people unconsciously take on. We often take on this role when dealing with weak, helpless and weak-willed people who are unable to take responsibility for their own lives. At first glance, by “saving” someone, you are helping that person, but in reality you are only encouraging their weakness and powerlessness.

Often the patient's relatives fall into this trap, because he often takes the position of the victim: "I am helpless and powerless, try to help me." The position of the "savior" is as follows: "You are helpless and powerless, but I will still try to help you." Sometimes the "savior" acts as a prosecutor: "You are powerless and helpless, and you yourself are to blame for this!"

Steiner called these interactions between people "the game of salvation."

The participants in this game can switch roles almost endlessly. Anyone who knows one of the roles always knows the other. The only problem is that, like most all other psychological games, this game is destructive. Those who play the role of victim in it have to pay too high a price for it: they are deprived of the ability to independently resolve difficulties and get used to always take a passive position.

From the point of view of the authors, nothing can be more destructive for the patient, who must take responsibility for his recovery, as such a game. It usually begins with the patient complaining of pain, emptiness and inability to live a normal life.

The "Savior" tries to help by doing something for the "sacrifice", "saving" him from having to take care of himself. Such a "savior" takes care of the sick, brings him food and drink, even when he is able to do it himself.

The “Savior” can constantly give advice (which is usually rejected) and perform unpleasant duties, even when not asked to do so.

It would seem that the "savior" shows love and care, but in fact he deprives the patient of psychological and physical independence. In the end, everything can end up with the patient feeling anger and resentment for being manipulated, and the “savior”, who, taking care of the patient, sacrificed his own interests and needs, will become hostile to him, which in turn can give rise to feelings of guilt for this feeling of hostility towards the sick person. It is clear that no one wins as a result of such interaction. On the contrary, it serves to isolate the patient. When someone from a position of strength tries to protect the patient (and the rest of the family) from difficulties and especially from problems associated with the issue of death, this leads to the fact that the patient and others are deprived of the opportunity to touch the most important problems for them. Moreover, it contributes to the fact that all family members are impaired in the ability to sincerely express their feelings.

In the same way, it is dangerous to try to protect the patient from other difficulties, for example, not to tell him that his son or daughter is not doing well at school. If they hide something from the patient, believing that "he is not sweet anyway," this alienates him from his family at the very moment when it is very important for him to feel this connection and take part in common affairs. Closeness between people arises when they share their feelings. As soon as feelings begin to hide, intimacy is lost.

The patient can also take on the role of "savior". Most often this happens when he “protects” others, hiding from them his fears and anxieties. At this moment, he begins to feel especially lonely. Instead of protecting the family, the patient practically erases it from his life, and those around him perceive this as a lack of trust in them. When people are “saved” from feelings, they are deprived of the opportunity to experience and respond to them. Sometimes this leads to the fact that the patient's relatives continue to have painful experiences after he has recovered or died.

In the same way that loved ones should not try to protect the patient from the joys and sorrows of family life, the patient should not try to protect them from painful experiences. In the end, if feelings are not hidden, but expressed openly, it only contributes to the mental health of all family members.

Help is better than "save"

When such a "game of salvation" begins in a family where one of the spouses is sick with cancer, it is always easy to notice. According to the ideas developed by our culture, if you love a person, then in case of his illness, you must surround him with attention, take upon yourself all his worries and help him to such an extent that he will have nothing to do at all.

Such an attitude of loved ones does not leave patients with any opportunity to be responsible for their own well-being, therefore it is important to help a person, and not suppress him. In real life, however, it can be very difficult to distinguish between help and such suppression. One of the hallmarks of help is that when you help a person, you do it because you want to help him, because it gives you inner satisfaction, and not at all because you expect something from him in return. Every time you start to get angry or offended, it's safe to say that you did something, counting on a certain reaction from the other. This habit can be deeply rooted in a person, and in order to get rid of it, you need to listen to your feelings in the most attentive way.

Steiner offers three more ways to help determine the behavior of the "savior". You "save" someone if:

1. You do something for a person that you do not want to do, and at the same time you do not tell him that you are doing against your will.

2. You start doing something with the other person and find that he has shifted most of the work to you.

3. You don't always let people know what you want. Of course, this does not mean that by expressing your needs, you will always get what you want. By not talking openly about your desires, you make it impossible for those around you to react to them.

If you find yourself “saving” someone instead of helping, remember: the patient's life depends on how much he can use the resources of his own body.

Promote health, not disease

If, in order to recover, patients must show willpower and take responsibility for their lives, then friends and relatives of the patient often unconsciously interfere with this, indulging the disease. Often they show maximum love and care when a person is weak and helpless, and when he begins to recover, their love and care weakens.

It is imperative that the patient's wives, husbands, other relatives and friends should encourage his attempts to influence his fate. Their love and support should serve him as a reward for independence and self-reliance, and not for weakness. If family members indulge his weakness, the patient will be interested in the illness, and he will have less incentive to get better.

Most often, the family begins to "encourage" the disease when its members constantly subordinate their own interests to the needs of the patient. If the house manages to create an atmosphere in which the needs of all its inhabitants, and not just the patient, are taken into account, then this forces the latter to use all internal resources in the struggle for recovery.

Here are some guidelines to help you create a health-promoting environment:

1. Do not deprive the patient of the opportunity to take care of himself. Very often, relatives strive to do everything for the patient, thus depriving him of any independence. This is usually accompanied by phrases such as: “You are sick, and you have nothing to do with this! I'll do everything myself. " This can only intensify the manifestations of the disease. Patients should be given the opportunity to take care of themselves, and others should praise them for showing initiative: "What a fine fellow you are to do all this yourself!" or: "We are so pleased that you are taking part in family affairs!"

2. Be sure to pay attention to any improvement in the patient's condition. Sometimes people are so busy with the disease that they forget to react to any signs of improvement. Try to notice any positive changes and show the patient how they make you happy.

3. Engage in a non-disease activity with the sick person. Sometimes it seems that apart from visiting a doctor, looking for drugs and dealing with difficulties caused by physical limitations, there are no other activities in the life of the patient and his loved ones. In order to emphasize the importance of life and health, it is necessary to devote some time to joint pleasures. If a person has cancer, this does not mean that he should stop rejoicing. On the contrary, the more joy life gives a person, the more efforts he will make to stay alive.

4. Continue to spend time with the sick person as they begin to recover. As already mentioned, in many families, while a person is sick, they pay a lot of attention and care to him, but as soon as he begins to recover, they stop paying attention to him. Since everyone is pleased with the attention of others, such a situation will mean that a person receives love and care, as it were, as a reward for an illness and loses them when he recovers. Therefore, it is necessary to ensure that during the recovery period the patient is given no less care and love than during the illness.

To ensure that your help does not turn into a “salvation” of the sick person, each family member must be careful not to forget about their own emotional needs. This, of course, is not easy, especially when you consider that in society there is an idea of the obligatory “selfless” behavior of relatives. Sacrificing your emotional needs will eventually lead to anger and resentment in you. You may not even be aware of and do not want to admit these feelings to yourself. When, for example, a husband or wife of a patient with indignation shame children for the fact that they complain about the need to change something in their life because of the illness of a father or mother, some part of their indignation is explained by the unwillingness to admit their own feelings of suppressed resentment and frustration. …

In many families, the patient's needs are prioritized, because unconsciously relatives believe that the patient will die. Sometimes this attitude can be heard in the following words of someone close: "Perhaps we only have to spend the last few months with her, and I want everything to be perfect." This attitude has two detrimental consequences: hidden resentment and the formation of negative expectations. As already mentioned, the feeling of resentment grows both among the patient's relatives who make unnecessary sacrifices, and among the patient himself, who begins to feel that the family is expecting gratitude from him for his dedication. If relatives manage, while maintaining a serious attitude towards the patient, to more or less pay attention to their own emotional needs, then this will reduce the likelihood of resentment and irritation from both sides.

In addition, when relatives for the sake of the patient sacrifice themselves, for him this may mean that they consider his death inevitable. If the family postpones the discussion of long-term plans or even tries not to talk about them at all, they do not mention that one of their acquaintances is sick or died, for the patient this serves as a sign that the family does not believe in his recovery. People tend to avoid what they fear, so this kind of reticence reflects their negative attitude. But attitude plays an important role in the outcome of the disease, and negative expectations of loved ones can greatly undermine the patient's hope for recovery.

It is necessary to behave with the patient in such a way that it is clear that you expect his recovery. You don't have to believe that he will get better. You must believe that he can get better. Other ideas, voluntarily or involuntarily passing from others to the patient, relate to their attitude to treatment and to the attending physicians. Here, too, it is necessary to take into account the role that positive patient expectations and trust in doctors play in treatment outcomes. You may need to reevaluate your assessment and attitude towards these things so that they help the patient get better. You are part of the “support group” of a loved one, and it is important that you support the desire for health in him.

Of course, it is best when the family believes both that the patient is able to get better and that the treatment he is given is a strong and important ally. It is clear that too much is required of you, since the family, like the patient himself, is highly dependent on the notion existing in our culture that cancer and death are synonymous. Still, try to remember that your attitudes are of great importance to the patient.

Opportunity for growth and development

Despite the fact that a serious illness of a loved one poses many serious difficulties for you, if you are ready to try to openly and honestly overcome them together with the sick person, then this experience can be very important for your own personal growth. Many patients and their families said that the openness and sincerity that arose during the illness made family relationships deeper and more intimate.

Another consequence of this experience may be that when faced with the likelihood of the death of a loved one, you to some extent come to agreement with your own feelings about death. Having received the opportunity to indirectly come into contact with death, you find that it has ceased to seem so terrible to you. Sometimes a person who finds himself face to face with his cancer and spent a lot of effort to learn how to influence its course, as a result, becomes much psychologically stronger than before the disease. He has a feeling that he has become "more than just healthy." The same can be said about the patient's family. Families who have been able to openly and honestly deal with cancer become "more than just healthy." Regardless of whether the patient recovers or not, his family can gain psychological strength that will be useful to them in later life.