Sex By March 8, Or The Harmony Of An Intimate Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The most important component of the relationship between a man and a woman is sexuality.

If we talk about sexuality as a concept, this is the idea of oneself as a representative of one's own gender, behavior towards a partner, getting satisfaction from sex. It's no secret that many couples

sexual relations gradually fade away over time. Attraction to each other, desire, novelty, sensitivity disappear, tension in relationships grows. If you do not take action in time, the marriage can fall apart. First of all, you need to deal with the internal, psychological reasons for what is happening with each of the partners.

How do you know if your sex life isn't going as it should?

I would highlight several criteria:

- loss of a sense of one's own attractiveness as a partner for sexual relations;

- a decrease in interest in your body and getting pleasure from exploring your body and ways to satisfy it;

- loss of interest in sexual relations, otherwise called decreased libido;

- loss of the ability to enjoy sex, the appearance of unpleasant sensations, both emotionally and physically;

- a decrease in the number of sexual contacts in a physically healthy couple;

- the emergence of the so-called. toxic feelings - shame, guilt, fear, resentment, mistrust, disgust in everything related to the topic of sexual life.

It is possible to say that a couple has problems with their sex life if there are three or more criteria. Why is this happening? While consulting couples, married and not married, I noted one feature - a change in role models of behavior in relationships.

It's okay to go through certain stages in a relationship. In the first stage, the stage of falling in love, the chemical processes in the brain are much more intense and active. It supports both sexual attraction and mutual interest and admiration. During such a period, sex life is usually bright and eventful, occasionally it may not bring pleasure if one of the partners or both have psychological problems with self-esteem. Further, normally, chemical processes begin to decrease in intensity and, accordingly, the intensity of feelings, emotions, and physical sensations decreases somewhat.

Reasons for decreased sexuality

Very often, a decrease in intensity is perceived as something abnormal, and partners may have claims to each other that sex life no longer brings initial pleasure. However, in this particular case, we are talking about a natural process when, for attraction and intensity of physical sensations during sex, it is enough to diversify sexual life in a safe, previously agreed way.

This is the first cause of sexual discord in a couple. It is very important to understand that we are talking specifically about the problems in a couple, and not the responsibility of one partner. Since sexual relations are relationships, both partners are responsible for everything that happens in them, even if one is abusive and the other allows it or does not communicate it to other people. Cruel, but true.

Safety

One of the reasons for the lack of a fulfilling sex life in a relationship is a lack of a basic sense of security. If you disassemble a couple into separate partners, then often this is due to the fact that one of them has a psychological or physical, associated with sexual insecurity. This is not necessarily about sexual violence as such, it can be watching the wrong movie at the wrong age, accidentally seeing (at an early age) sexual intercourse of parents, meeting an exhibitionist on the street, or lack of basic sexual literacy at the time of the first sexual intercourse, even if it took place for love, voluntarily.

In this case, a person develops a feeling that sex and safety are incompatible things. Each sexual act in such a person is a contract with himself, constant control of the process and the absence of physical and emotional relaxation. In fact, this is violence against oneself, which cannot bring pleasure and sooner or later causes severe fatigue. For this basic insecurity to lead to serious problems in sexual life, it is necessary that the second partner is not sensitive enough and not caring enough for the first and thereby deprives him of his safety. The reason for this behavior is often a lack of sensitivity, even to oneself. Sex for such people is often more physiological than emotional. But for a quality sex life, both components must be present. Here a mismatch arises: for one, this process is associated with emotional discomfort, for the other - with a physical need.

Relationship roles and transfer

Another reason is a change in the role model of behavior of one or both partners. Most often, sexual relations here are initially built in such a way where one of the partners performs the parental function, and the second - the child. If, for example, a man plays the role of a breadwinner, is overly caring, too gentle, then, most likely, the second partner will have a so-called. transfer.

Transference is the assignment of the qualities of a parent figure to another person, in this case a partner in a relationship. Sometimes this one is pleasant enough if the parenting partner is a truly positive caring figure. And sometimes the transference is quite dramatic, when the quality of the oppressive parent is transferred to the partner, who does not so much care as control. For example, a very jealous partner who is too controlling, overly involved in the other. In this case, the second has no choice but to be a child who is afraid of physical contact or is ashamed. Because next to him is not an adult equal person, but a parental figure, and between parents and children, sex is normally impossible.

Often in my practice I meet other cases when a psychologically failed man takes a passive position, plays the role of a housewife, is very kind and caring. At the same time, a woman plays a male role - she earns money, pays bills, deals with all domestic problems. She has no way to feel like a woman, weak and defenseless. But not in the children's sense, but in the feminine one. Feel close to a man. In this case, the woman's sexual desire disappears, since the parts of the brain are not activated, which in our case should be activated in the presence of a partner. It's okay when partners are equal, but it's not okay when they switch roles. Men are deprived of the opportunity to feel comfortable in their role.

Sexual literacy

The next important reason is the lack of basic sex literacy. The topic is often quite in demand even in schools. Children are taught about sex and its safety. But for some reason, in most adults (over the age of 30), I notice a pronounced shame when discussing the topic of sex, or a complete emotional detachment from this topic. It is understandable, because for a long time we had no sex at all.

Parents didn’t tell their children that it’s okay to explore your body, that it’s okay to give yourself pleasure and be interested in another person’s body. It is normal to ask questions about contraception, orgasm, wet dreams, or abortion. But most parents are afraid of such questions, considering it a sign of childish promiscuity. When faced with their own shame, parents mold it in their children.

It's even surprising how often I have to explain to adults who have been married for more than a dozen years, some basic things about how it's okay to say that you like your partner, how I would like to try, and what is inconvenient or painful.

The development of sexual literacy is the first condition for the restoration of sexual life. So, after watching pornographic films, people expect something similar from a partner. They do not even realize that in these very films, real sexual intercourse often does not occur at all, much less orgasm.

Feel free to read the relevant literature and contact specialists. After all, many people do not understand that the lack of a regular and sexual life in a couple is a very serious, but completely solvable problem. If you yourself are unable to build a relationship, it is very important to see a family therapist and sexologist. The first one must be paired. A psychotherapist is a kind of mediator, a translator of the needs of one partner into the language of another. A sexologist will be able to tell a lot about your body and relieve you of body blocks. Find a common language, get to know each other, learn to have fun, so that sex is not only “on holidays”.

The article was published in the "Mirrors of the Week" edition.