2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why do some couples live together all their lives, while others separate after a few years? The famous American psychotherapist and founder of The Gottman Institute, John Gottman, devoted his entire life to studying the issue of marital relations and developed a methodology for determining the prospects of marriage. As a result of many years of research, the psychologist has established criteria by which it is possible to understand with an accuracy of 94% whether a couple will be together in 6 years.
For the research, 130 couples were selected, each of them was monitored by a psychotherapist for one day. As part of the experiment, the conditions of the couple's life together were created as close as possible to reality - living in one apartment and freedom of action for each partner (someone reads a newspaper / book, watches TV, etc.). During the day, while spending time together, each of the partners periodically tries to establish contact with the other, inviting them to participate in a dialogue (“Look, what a bird has flown!”, “Oh, look what they write in the newspapers”, “But I thought, what can you say about this? ).
The partner's reaction in this case is of great importance. If he (she) is distracted, interested in the interests of another (for example, moves the newspaper aside), and says “Where? Show me! Oh, how beautiful!”, This means that the partner has accepted the invitation. If he (she) continues to go about his business, not paying attention to the comment, or shrugs it off ("Well, beautiful!"), This is a refusal of the invitation.
After analyzing the results, John Gottman concluded that couples with a high percentage of responses (87%) still lived together after 6 years, couples with a lower percentage of responses (33%) did not live together for 6 years or separated in the sixth year of marriage. The key point is to be interested in the interests of your partner (regardless of your interests - it is absolutely not necessary that the topic raised be of interest to you!).
If there is mutual understanding and love in a couple, each partner tries to make an effort to understand the other - why is the spouse interested in some question, what is so surprising about the topic raised, why is this picture so beautiful? All people are different - someone loves historical facts, someone architecture, ancient artifacts or curious facts. However, it does not matter at all whether the topic of dialogue will become interesting to one of the partners, first of all there should be an interest in a loved one - what affected him and why? In any relationship, the contact itself is important, which is established directly in the dialogue, when partners communicate on the topic of each other's interests.
John Gottman identified two criteria necessary for a long-term relationship in a couple - generosity and kindness. It is thanks to these qualities that a person can put aside all his affairs and become interested in the feelings and thoughts of a partner. In fact, being able to put yourself and your needs aside in time is quite an important aspect of a successful relationship in a couple. This means that the partner has not only generosity, but also disinterested compliance and condescension, allowing them to sacrifice their interests for the sake of a loved one.
However, it is important to strike a balance. If a person is kind and generous, over time he will meet the same partner. Why? It is impossible to give and not receive anything in return all the time.
There is a pattern - the more you give, the more they give to you (provided that the relationship is not built with a narcissist or psychopath). Most people respond to generosity and kindness and want to give something in return. That is why for harmonious and balanced relationships, it is important first of all to understand that relationships are not the place where you only need to take, here you need to give. If the partner gives with some expectation to receive something in return, this indicates a lack of sincerity, honesty and full emotional inclusion in the couple. Do you want a stable and long-term relationship? In this case, it is worth reconsidering your nature of behavior in relation to your partner.
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