100 Friends Or 1 Psychologist

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Divorce, a painful break in relations, difficult relationships with someone you love, loss … What to do, how to cope with pain, resentment, despair, how to live on without closing yourself off from others? These are some of the most frequently asked questions by customers and just acquaintances. And very often there is a choice, which is better and more effective as a support - a psychologist or a friend? Based on the experience, both my personal and the experience of a psychologist, I decided to write my reflections. The topic is not new, but still relevant, and, perhaps, some of these reflections will be useful and help to make a choice - how with and with whom to live their experiences and from whom and how to get support.

I’ll make a reservation right away that I’m not advocating to stop communicating with my friends and share my "innermost" with them, but to go only to a psychologist. Support and understanding from people close and significant to you is extremely important. But when you realize that it is difficult for you to cope with your feelings and experiences, when the difficult period has dragged on and you do not see a gap, I would not limit myself to just friends and their advice, but would use their support as additional, but not the main one.

I'll try to explain why. In the support of girlfriends, friends and family, as a rule, there are several moments that turn into pseudo-support. This is when additional, heavy feelings are added to their own, real, experiences: guilt, shame, fear. In our society, it is not customary to give vent to emotions, express your feelings, share experiences, especially if they are not joyful and last long enough. It is extremely difficult to withstand a person nearby who is experiencing mental pain, does not see any reason for joy now and who is often sad. Yes, they will ask you “how are you?”, They will even listen sympathetically, but when you start a conversation on the same topic for the 5th, 10th or 20th time, it is unlikely that your friend or relative will have a desire to listen and empathize. And you can often hear the phrases "Oh, how much you can whine, pull yourself together!" and similar words that ultimately devalue your own experiences. But to speak out, to speak out what hurts and torments is very important. It is imperative to live all your pain, resentment, despair in order to be able to let go of the situation and live on, and not drag these painful experiences into further life and relationships with other people. Yes, you can suppress all feelings by an effort of will and pretend that everything is fine, everything will pass, you just have to be patient. Over time, the pain may really subside, it will become easier. Here are just feelings and experiences that were not lived, but were suppressed, will let you know about yourself later - perhaps in the form of illness, difficulties to build new relationships with the opposite sex, the situation "stepping on the same rake" and a lack of understanding why the situation and the relationship pattern is repeated. And it seems that there is simply no luck, and the people around are not the same, and simply not destiny. But few people will think that all these situations and feelings that you once tried to suppress, ignore and prevent them from breaking out are making themselves felt.

Other common phrases that can be heard from friends in situations when you broke up with someone or the relationship with a loved one does not go well: “Yes, be glad that you broke up or he / she left / left!”, “How could you even / could be with him, all was clear at once how bad he / she is!”,“Why are you suffering, it would be for someone!”. It would seem that the person wants to support, help, and his motives are sincere. But, for some reason, after these words you feel even worse, and the feeling of guilt and shame torments you. After all, everyone around you noticed that your loved one is dishonest, evil, aggressive, greedy person, and only you for some reason were so blind and stupid that you did not notice it before. And it's terribly ashamed of it. And even worse is the phrase "And I told you / told you that this relationship will not lead to anything good!" After that, you realize that you don't know how to choose partners or friends, you don't think well and don't understand people, and there are simply no chances for other relationships. And now a feeling of fear is on the way - fear that it will never be otherwise and that the situation will definitely turn against you.

There are also very frequent calls to endure, to be silent, so as not to spoil the relationship or not break it off. Because others are even worse, or because you cannot quarrel with your parents, but you must respect them, or you cannot divorce and leave children without a father / mother, and the like …

You will not hear such phrases from a psychologist, he will not shame you for the fact that you have already started the same topic for the 10th or 50th time. Not because you pay money and say as much as you like and whatever, but because he understands how important it is not to devalue your experiences and feelings, but to give them the opportunity to live them. It is important for him to just listen and accept you for who you are now - with your weaknesses, pain, despair, anger.

The psychologist will not ask you where you were looking when building a relationship with such and such a person as your beloved / loved one, and how you could have made such a choice at all. He will help you understand and understand the reasons for such a choice, what kept you in the relationship, how you interact with another person, how you express feelings and how the other can be with you.

A psychologist will not tell you to endure and show respect for someone without thinking about how bad you are and how this relationship affects your health and emotional state. He will try to help you figure out what exactly makes you feel bad, how you express your dissatisfaction or, on the contrary, endure and help you understand how you best behave and how to cope with experiences.

At the same time, the psychologist does not give advice on what to do and how to act in a given situation, he cannot know how best for you - it is only your choice. He cannot make you feel sad or painful - there is no magic pill to “turn off feelings”. In the process of working with a psychologist, you can understand what you want, understand your experiences and feelings, see the reasons for what is happening or the absence of something in your life. Although discoveries can sometimes be painful and difficult to accept. It can be sad and hard to be aware of things. And this process is not for 1-2 sessions, but much longer. But, it's worth it. Understanding yourself and your motives, and not mindlessly "eating" the advice of others, there is more chances to build those relationships in which you will feel good, to be able to rely on yourself in difficult situations and, if necessary, not be ashamed to ask for support and help from others of people. You will be able to consciously make decisions, choose what you like, build your life based on your desires and goals.