2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In the previous part, we examined such parameters as the presence of boundaries in a pair and the ability to resolve conflicts (if you have not read it yet, I suggest starting with it). Let's continue!
3. A minimum of greedy mood swings 😃😬
I have acquaintances who decided to get married after the decision was made to leave (!). Six months later, they decided to divorce "for sure" … But after a couple of weeks they moved back together. And as I understand it, all their relationships "jumped" on this stick of two ends … I think they will soon decide to have children. For I get the impression that many of their decisions are made and actions are taken to preserve (save!) The relationship … But is there intimacy there?
And for some reason I think that most of you readers know such pairs?
Well, this is one of the ways available to everyone to build relationships, and at the same time I do not understand how in such a relationship can be achieved safety… Of course, I'm talking about emotional security. Imagine that, roughly speaking (or maybe it's not rude?), Every day you can unexpectedly part. How do you feel in such a relationship?
Security is one of the foundations of a relationship (albeit difficult to achieve). But this kind of couples can be ranked as borderline - everything is on needles and extreme degrees from complete rejection to complete merging
In a healthy relationship both the security inside the pair and the perspective "outside" are looming - partners can rely on each other, regardless of the difficult accidents of fate and strong emotions of each.
4. No cold and hot wars 👿 🙈
The same need for security cannot be satisfied if, unpredictably, a hot war with yelling, shouting, insults and humiliation, or even beatings, can begin; or a cold war - in prolonged silence and ignorance, indirect sarcastic comments, etc.
Under "unpredictability" I mean incongruence (inconsistency) of the event and reactions to it: for example, a strong reaction to a weak stimulus (hysteria due to spilled tea, for example), a lack of stimulus with a strong subsequent reaction (for no reason, no reason is silent or hysterical, but what, "guess yourself") and vice versa absence reactions in case of a noticeable stimulus (0 reactions with the last money spent by the family on * anything outside the plan and necessity * instead of what they decided together). That is, as you can see, they are simply absolutely inconsistent and strong as spontaneous dashing reactions.
Often present here displaced aggression - the manifestation of feelings is not in the current situation, but in another situation that does not concern this. For example: today he said something unpleasant to me, tomorrow I throw a tantrum because I have nothing to wear (most often the participants do not realize this mechanism themselves).
In a healthy relationship everyone is able to understand their needs (at least for the most part), discuss them and react in proportion to the situation without shifting aggression. Even if the aggression has "shifted" a person can understand this, apologize and say about the real source of resentment.
5. Balancing proximity and distance
"Always being there" is romantic but not realistic … As the relationship develops naturally gradual distance and building the framework of convergence-distancing. Moreover, without this framework, it is unrealistic to survive not only physically, but also morally. First, you need to work and bring money. Second, without “living outside the couple,” the relationship becomes an emotional prison.
In a good relationship, Bypassing the crisis and living through conflicts based on degrees of proximity and distance, partners build a norm of interaction suitable for both, both with each other and with the other world as a whole.
In the next article I will touch on such topics as manipulation vs sincerity, violence and satisfaction in the areas of relationships.
And now, if you have any questions and responses, I will be glad to comment! And if there is a desire to explore in depth my personal situation, my psychotherapeutic doors are open.
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