2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In previous articles, we've discussed what good relationships look like in terms of boundaries and conflicts, couple moods, wars, and proximity-distance. Today I will talk in more detail about manipulations in a pair, and I will also indicate 2 more of my criteria for a happy couple, but separate articles will be written about them. Let's start.
6. Minimum manipulation, and maximum directness and ability to negotiate 👆👉
I consider this parameter to be very important in connection with the popularization in our time "Female wisdom", which, in fact, consists in the art of being manipulated by a man (or a boy?). Yes, and so it is possible, but is this the limit of a person's maturity and the maturity of relationships?
When I read such posts about the art of "wisdom", I imagine an actress in the theater who must play her role correctly, not a person in a relationship who wants sincerity and honesty.
The same goes for men, of course, but our "wisdom courses" are called "Pick-up-skill".
What unites "feminine wisdom" [WM] and "pick-up skill" [PM] is the manipulative nature of these "teachings." Only their goals are different: wedding vs sex. As a rule, FM and PM do not work when meeting mature and stable individuals.
Relationships assume vulnerability to each other
In the case of FM and PM, vulnerability is avoided and is replaced by play with the ultimate goal (love, wedding and sex). If the end result is often important to us in activities, then the process cannot be unimportant in a relationship. And these games are also aimed at results.
Just the meaning of such "arts", it seems to me, is already outdated.
Previously:
- it was totally difficult for women to survive without a man in a masculine society (and here it is clear why such arts appeared);
- men, on the other hand, did not want to take responsibility "for life" because of the desire for one-time sex here and now.
In the current realities:
- a woman can fully stand up for herself and provide; the presence of a man does not define a mature woman as a person and does not take away her opportunities in terms of living standards and social status (and sometimes, and vice versa, the "unfortunate spouse" pulls down);
- to have one-time sex is quite real, even without going into the arts of seduction - without deception and manipulation, but by mutual consent.
And even bypassing the stereotypes of FM and PM, unfortunately, partners often abuse intimacy. For example, knowing the pain points, they hurt another in the conflict, "wet" him / her in them. Again, what kind of * safety in a pair can we talk about in this case? This is already violence (emotional). It is clear that the desire to hurt comes from your own pain, but there are 2 ways:
- Develop a war and destroy a partner;
- Try to talk about your feelings, painful places and ask not to hurt, to be careful in these topics, especially when the conflict occurs on a completely different matter.
If the second strategy does not bring results, and the partner continues to "wet" you, it is time to draw conclusions - after all, this will continue! And then: are you ready to stay in this or will you still make a choice in favor of comfort (or at least a choice against violence against yourself)?
Paradoxically, it is the vulnerable position underneath that has the greatest strength. At the very least, it shows respect for your feelings - and therefore, attentiveness to yourself. And then there is an opportunity to leave if my boundaries are violated. If I start a war out of pain, then I don't face my pain honestly, and "I'm going to hit back." And it is these scenarios that can develop from time to time, finding no way out. (the pain remains behind the scenes anyway).
Of course, happy couples are not without manipulation. But usually these are games at the very beginning of a relationship, which eventually develop into intimacy. Only part of the games remains, and their main place is in the field of sex.
Happy couple know about their vulnerabilities, do not try to escape from them; know the vulnerabilities of the partner and do not try to "drown in" them
Everyone, according to their psychological capabilities, reports on pain; knowing about them, everyone tries to be careful to the partner at these points.
7. For the most part, all areas of the relationship are satisfied
8. No violence
There will be upcoming articles about these points.
In short: in an emotionally healthy relationship SAFE, COZY and PASSIONATE! 👋 Yes, this is possible!;)
And let me remind you, the most important key your best relationship - it's all the same your conscious choice of just such a relationship. 🙌
And now, if you have any questions and responses, I will be glad to comment! And if there is a desire to explore in depth my personal situation, my psychotherapeutic doors are open.
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