2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
So, in previous articles we have already discussed: falling in love, mature love, unconditional love, painful love, the importance of relationships in themselves and their main rule, the main difference between destructive and constructive relationships and even a system of relationships where there is a "third extra".
Today we will talk about good relationships … It would be more correct to call them emotionally healthy, since "goodness" is a subjective concept, but the health of relationships rests on certain principles. And so it turns out that a good relationship for one couple may look bad for another - but both can be healthy.
HOW (to me) GOOD RELATIONSHIP LOOKS
1. Partners are as free as possible within the boundaries clearly delineated by them
By boundaries, we mean certain rules in pairs. The question may arise: "In the sense of the" rule "when it comes to love and relationships !?". If you have this question, I suggest reading the previous publications, links to which are in the first paragraph of this article (especially about painful relationships, the rule of relationships and the difference between "good" and "bad").
If there are no voiced rules, then there will be unspoken ones, which, rather, will not suit at least one of the partners, or there will be constant pushing (violence) of the partners' personal boundaries.
By the way, just as there is no "smoke without fire", there is no "one victim" in a violent relationship. Often, victims who regularly choose to remain in a violent relationship also provoke and manipulate their partner, but usually not so noticeably. And they learn from such relationships to gain secondary benefits for themselves (bonuses invisible without closer examination).
SPEECH IS ABOUT PROVOCATION OF AGGRESSION, the blame for violence always remains with the rapist! The responsibility of the victims, I believe, is if they choose to remain in a relationship with the abuser. But there are accompanying cultural and personal factors, each situation requires a separate analysis.
So, if the rules are not voiced, this does not mean that they are not there: for example, the implicit rule for having a lover. And if there really are no rules, then the relationship develops according to the principle “what else can you do and not lose the relationship?” comes, and this is not such a big rarity). As we can see from the example, such pushing to "new levels" threaten not only the erasure of the personality morally - but also physically.
In a healthy relationship, there is a framework for the accessible and the unacceptable. And this framework is supported by the free choice of both. Everyone does not have a desire to "protest", to check "what if" - usually 2 reasons restrain them:
- the value of the relationship for oneself;
- sincere unwillingness to bring pain to a loved one.
2. There are conflicts, but they are being resolved
Of course, these rules are not built as nicely as contracts are discussed and signed in the business environment. Often - through conflicts and accidental overshooting of other people's borders. The difference between a healthy couple is not that they never quarrel or raise their tone, hysterics, etc., as in soap operas and fairy tales. The difference is that a healthy couple can RESOLVE these conflicts. There are not so few paths: a common denominator, consent to disagreement, and others.
An indicator of the "completion of the conflict" is the ability not only not to remember old grievances in new conflicts, but also the real absence of these grievances
This does not mean that these couples conflict quickly and easily solve everything, but ultimately they find ways to each other and do not save resentment.
In describing the criteria, I found that the article deserves to be split into several publications so that the information is easier and gradually absorbed. Therefore, the continuation of the list is in the next article (it will be about moods, wars in a pair and the balance of proximity-distance).
And now, if you have questions and responses, I will be glad to comment, and if there is a desire to explore in depth my personal situation, my psychotherapeutic doors are open.
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