To Be Friends Or Not To Be Friends With Your Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When we become parents, we ask ourselves, are we doing everything right?

It seems to me that today this issue is very acute on the agenda. Modern parents, even before the birth of a child, try to read books on raising children, get a lot of advice and decide what they will do, how to raise and develop their child. Well, after the birth of a baby, when moms and dads find themselves in unpredictable situations, they sometimes get lost. Very often, their child does not behave the way they would like and, accordingly, they need to somehow change their ideas about parenting. All this requires flexibility, but why is it difficult for modern parents to trust their intuition. In my opinion, most parents fail to break out of the stereotypes that society today prescribes for them. In this case, the tension that arises in the family, especially around the child, affects the entire family situation.

For the most part, children who show some kind of symptom are brought to the psychoanalyst's appointment - it can be hypereactivity, depression, enuresis, aggressiveness, inability to build relationships in a team, allergic reactions. For the psychoanalyst, a child's symptom is his request for help, an expression of his suffering. But often this is followed by a request for help from the whole family, because together with the children we see confused parents. It seems to them that they have not coped, they have failed as parents, they often come with a sense of guilt or shame. They say that something is wrong with their child, but sometimes you have to have the courage to look at yourself.

Why is it so difficult to be a parent today?

I must say that from the middle of the twentieth century, the structure of the family began to change. Women began to work more and more and the functions that they traditionally performed in the home began to be redistributed among family members. That is, a kind of equality has been established between husband and wife. After all, the past family relationship, which is usually called traditional, meant the father, who stood at the head of the family, and the mother, who kept the hearth and raised the children.

In addition, in traditional societies, the science of parenting was passed down by the older generation to the younger. Today we live in a society where no authority seems to be recognized, which is why it has become so difficult to maintain authority in the family and in other educational institutions. The rebellious spirit of the 60s led to the fact that the new generation rejected what was in the past. In our modern world, the experience of previous generations belongs to yesterday. If today they turn to the practice of the past, it is most likely to cite educational methods as examples of bad experiences. Therefore, the skill of our grandparents is of no value to us. This is true because technological progress has torn us away from the foundations of a past life.

What happened has happened, and we live in a vacuum, without any support or support. Therefore, today parents are trying to find answers in scientific knowledge, they turn to books on psychology. This also explains the emergence of various shows that show how you can "fix" a family. The Internet is replete with advertisements for various training programs.

The child needs parents - loving, understanding. Children should have a place on earth, where they will be listened to and understood - this place should be a family. But these days, as Swedish psychiatrist and father of 6 David Ebehard writes in his book Children in Power, “… parents no longer behave like responsible adults. They believe they should be the best friends of their children. They put themselves on the same level with children, not daring to contradict them and set boundaries. They no longer make any decisions, but want to be as cool, advanced rebels as their children. Now our society is made up of only teenagers.”

Let's take a closer look at this modern idea that parents should become friends with their child. This means speaking with him in the same language, communicating with him on equal terms, resolving their conflicts, interfering in his friendship. At the same time, on the part of parents, equality sometimes takes the form of complete control - over the child's place of residence, over his body, over his schedule, over the life of him and his friends. “He has to tell us everything!” Says the teen's mother.

The friend proposal is a trap for the child. A friend is a person of the same or close age, with close interests, secrets. Some parents break boundaries and share secrets with their children, dedicating them to parental strife or some kind of revelation. In response, the child is encouraged to share his experiences as well. This situation can confuse the child as to his place in life. On an equal footing - this means without borders, and this leads to the fact that it is difficult for a child to find his place in the world, in the family hierarchy, in a series of generations.

As a result of such a relationship, the child does not have an intimate space for himself. Then the appearance of a symptom for a child is a way out, a place where he can find his subjectivity, his ability to express his suffering.

Parents, guided by the idea of friendship, themselves find themselves in a dead end.

Parents are instructed to love their children and people tend to reduce the relationship between parents and children to love alone. Asking the question about the specifics of parental love, it should be noted that it is not limited to feelings, it also implies upbringing. And this upbringing, which is absolutely necessary for building a child's personality, cannot be accomplished without rigor, which today frightens parents. On the one hand, people confuse severity with repression and suppression. On the other hand, let us turn to the famous statement of Françoise Dolto [1], who very wisely said that a child is a completely separate creature that must be respected, but it is a forming creature that cannot be formed without adult education. It is extremely difficult to reconcile the position of parental importance and respect for the child.

Parents today are in a difficult situation because they tend to avoid conflicts inherent in educational processes. The fact is that upbringing implies restrictions that primarily protect the lives of our children. Well, for example, how can you cross the road without knowing the rules of the road. That is why we teach children to cross the road. The rules restrict behavior on the road, this is obvious, and no one is outraged.

But in many other cases, it is very difficult for a parent today to say “no” - when buying a new toy, food, clothing, gadget, behavior at home or on a walk. Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to say NO and endure it if you’re thinking about friendship and keeping the relationship intact. After all, parental "no" can cause displeasure or aggression in the child. Then the parent is often ready to change his “no” for another sentence. Parents are often thrown from severity to pleasing.

By introducing rules of conduct in the family, the parent teaches children the rules of relationships with other people. First of all, this is respect for other people's boundaries, the ability to hear someone else's opinion, take it into account, the ability to defend oneself. First of all, this happens through the rules that are established in the family. But rules and prohibitions only work when they apply to everyone. What is said must not be at variance with what is said or how it is done.

Undoubtedly, parents should have their own space, their own interests, their own boundaries, their friends. Then the child will understand that he has the right to do the same. And then, when he grows up, no one can violate his boundaries. The law is established not because of the whim of some adult, but because this adult himself obeys him.

All social rules are rules for the use of others. But they also allow you to understand how to use yourself, your body, your sexuality in relationships with other people. This concept of limits, boundaries, laws is important first of all for oneself. So that the other cannot destroy you. Françoise Dolto said in this regard: "Do not do what you do not want in relation to yourself."

I would especially like to note the adolescent period, since this is the time of the integration of family and social prohibitions, and that is why this is the time of storms and conflicts in families. The task of adolescence is to separate from their parents, the appearance of their own space, both at the level of their own room and at the level of their body, clothes, thoughts and feelings. And this period is difficult, when it is difficult for parents to imagine their child as a separate person - a growing up man or woman.

We all want to raise our children free. But how can they learn freedom if it is not there in childhood? To give freedom to your child does not mean to show indifference to him or to give him the right to permissiveness and impudence. To give freedom is, first of all, to teach a child to use it. It happens that a child grows up and is told to choose, start - but he cannot, he cannot. In order to enjoy freedom, one must have it and be able to own it.

To give freedom means to love the child himself, his independence, his personal boundaries, his independence. Separating from your baby means giving him the space in which he can build his freedom-loving I. This is what will allow him to build a good relationship with his child.

[1] Françoise Dolto (fr. Françoise Dolto; 1908 - 1988) - French psychoanalyst, pediatrician, one of the key figures in French psychoanalysis and child psychoanalysis in particular.