Codependency. For Those Who Love To Save Friends, Husbands And Strangers

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

To make a man out of a husband, to cure a father, to help a friend to part with an alcoholic, to get a brother out of a pit, to rid a husband of addiction - there are many things to do for someone who considers himself a Black Cloak, who has a mission to save the world.

Great and noble occupation, socially approved! Starting from the need to “pull your cross” and being the “wife of the Decembrist”, ending with “you can't leave your friends in trouble,” and you can't leave anyone. And you have to save, even at the cost of your life, time, money, energy … everything.

Until one day you step into the void.

You will not get into a sharp point of powerlessness and pain. Bordering on despair and on the feeling of their own uselessness, stupidity, use. With a vivid and even more eerie realization that it was all in vain.

There is a lot of bitterness and pain in codependency.

Because no matter how hard you try, it is impossible to change the other person. Change his world, make him the way you want, the way you love. As you need.

There is a lot of resentment in codependency. I try, I do … and he … and they … and she …

There is anger - against oneself for stupidity, and against another for his weakness, weak-willedness, spinelessness, as an example - the inability to take and quit drinking. Well, in the end, what's so hard about that? Or can't a close friend leave her alcoholic husband … why? A brother cannot change his job, find another, normal one. Or the husband may eventually not be able to start earning. Well, what's so difficult here?

Rescuing others gives you a sense of strength.

First, rescuers are always stronger than those they are saving.

Feeling superior in mind. "I'll divorce someone else's misfortune with my hands."

And there's a lot of power in rescue.

What does the codependent depend on?

Dependence is dependence on actions to save another and on the feelings that accompany these actions

What for? Why save another?

I want to live next to a person who is doing well. Who does not dwell in this shit all the time.

If this unfortunate person is not a distant relative or friend with whom it is not necessary to see every day, but the person with whom you live side by side, then this still affects your whole life.

Here the question arises - why not leave and quit? This understanding holds true codependents in a stranglehold. And not “truly”, those who did not grow up with an alcoholic father may not be stopped, they will leave without looking.

A lot of effort has been invested in the person being saved. These forces often last for years. And decent money.

It's a pity to leave it all. And admit that it was all in vain and in vain.

It hurts to see a person dear to you ruin his life.

Like the one with whom you went to the movies a couple of years ago and chirped sweetly in a cafe, already staggering, holding on to the fence, moving towards the nearest puddle. Or a strong, bright, beautiful girlfriend, living with her alcoholic husband, is already turning into an old wreck.

Salvation is like a computer game of chance. I am for this player and I want him to win! I do not intend to give up!

Codependency holds the same grip as addiction.

Getting rid of her is not nearly easier.

Any addiction is a way to get away from life. And codependency as well. Being included in the life of another person eliminates the need to take care of your life. There is simply no time for it.

Meaning, drav and excitement. Participation in rescue missions gives life meaning. Adds drive. Creates movement.

Discussing the problems of another person (or simply gossiping) is always safer than thinking about your problems, discussing them with someone and solving them. This is an opportunity to convince myself that I am doing something important. And that at the same time, their problems have not been resolved…. God forbid not to notice.

The most difficult thing in codependency is to recognize and accept your powerlessness

No matter how hard I try, so as not to invent and no matter how much of my strength I put in, "a horse can be brought to a watering hole, but you cannot make it drink."

I am powerless.

Imagine for a moment that your husband stopped drinking. You have treated him, treated him and cured him. He quit drinking, came to his senses, turned from a homeless man into a normal man and … oops … some quick-witted kurk took him over. He is ten years younger than you, not boring and not tired, but ready to build with him a wonderful, bright, full of novelty and temptations life together…. And you, the one who gave away the best years, did not sleep nights, peeking out of him, threw a lot of money, worked three jobs and raised children without him - what will you be left with?

While you were doing it, someone was busy with themselves, building a career, traveling, vacationing, having romance, or living a happy family life. And what have you spent and are going to spend your life on?

Imagine for a minute that your friend, whose problems you live with, finally solved them all. She earned money, met a normal man and drove off to Hawaii. She doesn't even have time to call you. She sends pictures, where they are against the background of the sea sunset, smiling and happy. What are you left with? What's with your life?

But your husband finally got up. He lost weight (you put so much effort into his healthy diet. In the motivation to run in the morning). He lost weight, got prettier, tightened his biceps, pumped up his abs, turned his shoulders, his small business finally took off.

And suddenly, with bitterness and tears in his eyes, he says: “Dear, I am so grateful to you. I just now realized what a wonderful thing life is. I still want to have time to live. I need to leave. I also want to go around the world on a bicycle”Or“I met her. She is young, beautiful. I finally felt like a man. Understand me…"

But it happens that it is not a woman who becomes a homeless woman, but the one who comes with a sharp braid in a long robe. If a man drinks a lot and for a long time or uses drugs, the chances that he will live for a long time are very small. And now you are over fifty, twenty-five of which you have invested in his salvation, and what is the result? Coffin lid and gravestone in the new cemetery.

The most difficult thing in codependency is to recognize its powerlessness and the illusory power over another person.

Recognize that you are playing this game. It's time for you to think about yourself, about your life. Live what only you need. What do you love, what do you like, where your soul rests and sings. Take care of yourself, your business, your career, education, put yourself in order …

Is it possible to rejoice, go for a walk, meet friends, travel and enjoy life in every possible way when the other is sick nearby? Alcoholism, destructive relationships …

Do not know. Try … After all, life is contagious. Suddenly, looking at you and your rescued person will like to live.

I am not talking about responsibility in this article. It seems to me that it is already clear that everyone bears responsibility for their own lives. What a person does with his life is his adult choice.

How do you cope with your responsibility for your life?

Maybe it's time to start investing in yourself?

To avoid excruciating pain …

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If my words have responded to you, I am very glad.

But the article is not therapy.

Getting out of their co-dependent relationship is a serious journey, full of pitfalls and your own “custom made” hooks.

Searching for them and carefully freeing yourself from them is possible only in therapy.

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