Why Are We So Angry?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya

Combat stance

Our mirror neurons, counting something by their faces, voices, looks, smell, instantly, bypassing consciousness, bring the body into a state of readiness for aggression. You yourself can be as peaceful and good-natured as you like, but your brain and body instantly assess the environment as unsafe and put the armored train on the siding into a working position. Conversely, many people say that they relax abroad, even if they are there for work, despite the language barrier and the unusual environment.

I will not forget how, on a business trip to exchange experience in England, we drove with an English colleague through the narrow streets of the town, we were in a hurry, were late for the next meeting. And then out of nowhere, an old woman appeared in front of the car, a lively dandelion of God, with a wand. And in a completely wrong place, angrily waving her cane in our direction, she began to cross the road. The brakes screamed, the belts were pulled, the car stopped, a colleague, a rather emotional person, leaned out of the window. Well, I think now I will advance in spoken English, I will find out how it will be "Where are you going, old hag!". But he jokingly shook his fingers at her and said carefully: "Be careful!" It's not that he was polite and restrained. I sat next to me and saw that he was not at all angry. A little stress, but if everything worked out, then it's great. Following the old woman, he shook his head, as a loving parent shakes, looking at a restless baby.

What prevents us from reacting in the same way to unpleasant surprises inevitable in life, minor inconveniences, someone's stupidity and carelessness, a clash of interests - not because of something very important, but over trifles? Why is the Russian Internet full of texts on the topic “No, well, just think what all the idiots are (bastards, cattle, boors)”, several such texts always hang at the top of the ratings. The reason could be anything: children made noise in a cafe, but their parents did not shut them up, girls with not beautiful enough, in the opinion of the author, figures, wear open clothes, people who, in the opinion of the author, park in the wrong way (cross the street), love the wrong one, from the point of view of the author, music, etc. Each such post receives hundreds of comments of the same content: "Yes, how these freaks enrage me too!" It's not about bad manners, not about low culture, as is often thought, but about feelings. It really pisses me off. Rage flares up inside as easily as a match. Like noisy children or someone's bare imperfect knees, or a provincial in the subway, dumbfounded in the aisle and looking around in search of signs, these are not just people who interfere with something or do not like them - they are aggressors. And they must be given an immediate tough rebuff.

Causes of the rage

The reasons for this rage are many, and they are intertwined in such a close pattern that it is not always clear where the action of one factor ends and the other begins.

To begin with, about the aggression itself. Although sometimes this concept itself is perceived negatively, and the words "anger" and "evil" in the Russian language are the same roots, in nature aggression is a very useful property of living beings for survival. It is intended for self-defense, to protect its territory and its offspring, to obtain food (from predators), to compete for the female (from males). That is, aggression, although it can sometimes kill, in itself is in the service of life, procreation. At the same time, natural aggression is always very functional and economical, if life is not at stake, its ritual forms are used primarily: threatening sounds and postures, power struggle without causing serious injury, marking the territory with signs, etc. etc. The less fertile and the more dangerous a species is naturally armed, the less it can afford to play with aggression. Urban cats can while away the evening after a bloody fight, tigers in the taiga - never.

Man by himself, by nature, is an animal weak. No teeth, no claws. Therefore, he has very few built-in, instinctive programs for replacing a fight with rituals, tea is not a tiger. So people had to invent for themselves ways to replace direct aggression: from rituals of politeness to football championships, from subtle irony to court proceedings, from state borders and diplomacy to demonstrations and trade unions. We are aggressive, and have learned to live with it, and we learn further, because when we lose control over our aggression, it can be scary, there are many examples in history.

But that spilled aggression, about which we started talking, does not look like aggression on guard of life. This is a spilled "aggression in general", nowhere and for no specific purpose, which means that everywhere, always and for any reason, the aggression of neurosis, one of the definitions of which is: "a regular inadequate emotional reaction to circumstances caused by psychotrauma or distress (long-term, constant stress) ". That is, literally what we have: a reaction that is clearly inadequate to the cause, a storm in a teacup, rabies over little things.

What kind of psychotrauma, what kind of distress is behind this phenomenon?

What lies on the surface are constant minor and not very restrictive rights. A simple example: at all stations we now have metal detectors at the entrance. OK, the country lives with the constant threat of terrorism, so be it. In Israel, for example, they also stand everywhere. But. At the same time, everything is really carefully checked there. And if you have a "ringing", you will not go anywhere until the police understand that. At the same time, they put as many frames as they fit, they work tirelessly to inspect bags, they try very hard to quickly. The line is waiting patiently: because it is clear that this is all serious and makes sense. What do we have. Wide entrance to the station. There is one frame in the middle. The rest of the space is simply blocked off by tables or barriers. At the frame, three policemen doze or chat. People, ringing and thundering, without removing their bags from their shoulders, pass inside. Nobody is looking in their direction, you can even bring in a bazooka. But if you suddenly realized that you made a mistake in entering, came in the wrong place, and want to go back, you will not be released. Because the way out is there. Where exactly? But there, two hundred meters away. Which you have to, with the children with their suitcases, overcome first there - until the permitted exit, and then back - to the point to which you need to return. Perhaps late for your train. Why? Because that's all.

Restrictions that do not have any reasonable basis, of course, pissed off. Overlapping roads and traffic jams during the passage of top officials, closing central metro stations on weekends to prevent opposition rallies, the requirement to bring shoe covers to the hospital and school, even paths that for some reason are always laid in the wrong places where people are comfortable to walk - all this creates a constant background of distress, as if you are being "put in place" every minute, made it clear that you are no one to call. This is a feature of a society built from top to bottom, vertically: here rights and opportunities do not belong to people by definition, they are lowered from above. How many and what they consider necessary. Here, a person does not have "his own territory" in principle, which means that there are no borders that could be protected. They may demand documents from him at any moment, they dictate to him where he can and where he cannot be, they may try to enter the house to check how he is raising children - he does not belong to himself. Borders are not exactly violated - they have been broken and worn out a long time ago.

Imagine that a person decides to use natural healthy aggression to defend their boundaries when someone violates them. Get outraged, refuse to comply with stupid requirements, write a complaint, file a lawsuit, finally. It turns out that in a vertical society this is almost impossible. The procedures for asserting their rights, if any, are very vague and cumbersome. Suppose I want to control my aggression, that is, by civilized methods, to defend my right to get off the metro in my own city on a day off where it is convenient for me. Who should I sue? To the metro administration? The police? To the mayor's office? Who makes decisions and who can reverse them? This is always difficult to figure out. But even if I do submit, I will face unpredictable red tape: meetings can be endlessly postponed and canceled. And if the trial does take place, what are my chances of winning it? With our justice?

Okay, let's try another way. I want to explicitly, peacefully and non-violently, exercise my right. That is, I will go anyway, even though they are not ordered. Politely, without offending anyone. It's just that it's more convenient for me here, there is a special place for the exit, I paid for the services of the metro and I want to get them in full, having reached where I need to, not where it is allowed. How will it end? Most likely, by detention and trial, the outcome of which is also predetermined. And even my own friends and colleagues can condemn me: why climb, since it is not supposed to? The smartest?

That is, what happens: practically all the peaceful ways of upholding their borders and rights developed by mankind are blocked in a vertical society. We cannot change the government, we cannot achieve the removal from office of an official guilty of violating our rights, we have no opportunity to prevent the adoption of laws and decisions that violate our rights. Attempts to exercise our rights without prior notice are automatically considered a crime, and there will always be some kind of “law” according to which we will also be guilty.

But the boundaries have been broken! We are hurt. We feel stressed. Aggression has arisen, it will not evaporate into nowhere. Not being able to be worked out "on the merits of the issue", it, like steam pressed from above by a lid, requires an exit.

Evil is passed in a circle

Different people find a way out differently.

One of the most common is the downward translation of aggression. That is, having received a boorish scolding from the authorities, be rude to a subordinate. After listening to the teacher's attacks, beat the child. My son, for the first time on his own making a long journey, made a transfer at the Frankfurt airport, huge as a whole city. “But,” he said, “I quickly found my plane to Moscow. You just have to go where the parents are yelling at the children. The habit of any stress (and air travel is always stress) to merge down the hierarchy, onto the weaker ones, onto children, instead of caring for and reducing stress for them is, unfortunately, typical behavior of our compatriots.

There are entire systems where aggression comes in a constant stream from top to bottom: the bosses yell at the school principal, she at the teacher, the teacher for the eighth grader, he kicks the first grader. Is it possible to expect that, for example, a guardianship officer whom the superiors have just covered over the phone with obscenities (reality, alas) something with the received portion of aggression will quickly do and meet the visitor with a smile on his face?

The next method is also very frequent: redirect aggression horizontally. That is, to put it simply, be angry with everyone around you. Anyone and everyone who, willingly or unwillingly, will stand across. But this choice is also fraught: if you are constantly angry with anyone, you will quickly acquire a reputation as a foolish person with a bad character. And you won't like yourself. Therefore, there is a good option: to be angry not at everyone, but at others. It does not matter what others: manners, behavior, religion, nationality, gender, features of a figure or speech, having (not having) children, residents of the capital (province), educated (uneducated), watching TV (not watching TV), going to rallies (not going to rallies). Arguments are used, long and slender systems of evidence are being built why it is good and correct to test and show aggression towards them. There are like-minded people, and now you can “be friends against”, at the same time they will satisfy their sense of belonging. Unsurprisingly, this friend-or-foe game is very popular as a way to redirect aggression.

Finally, you can redirect the aggression upward, too, but not upward where the impulse that hurt you came from; this, as we have already said, is either impossible or dangerous, but somewhere upward. As they say, shoot in the air. For example, to hate "bosses in general". Scold the authorities without making a single attempt to defend their rights. It’s also good to hate the government of another country. It's simple, safe, and very uplifting. As in an old Soviet joke: we have freedom of speech, everyone can go to Red Square and curse the US president.

The most approved and "intelligent" (as well as "Christian") option is to try to extinguish the aggressive impulse on oneself. Lie on the grenade of aggression, covering it with yourself. One thing is bad - no one succeeds in doing this for a long time. Let not at one time, like a pomegranate, but for several years the aggression swallowed by an effort of will destroys the body, turns into disease and burnout. A person either yields to the requirements of the environment and starts regularly, like everyone else, to be a conductor of aggression from above in all directions, or learns not to feel, assimilates that very artificial “kindness” that often so annoys in people, emphatically “cultured” (or emphatically believers).

You have to be a saint, so that absorbing aggression, not to be destroyed and not passed on, and saints, as you know, the field is not sown.

Helpless aggressor

However, this is not the end of the matter. You can redirect the aggression. But at the same time, you know: you haven't solved the problem. The violated boundaries have not gone anywhere. You did not protect yourself, your child, your territory, your rights. Endured, swallowed. And for this you hate and despise yourself. This means that every seemingly trifling act of violating your boundaries (teenagers yelling under the window at night) is not just a nuisance and disgrace for you (they don't let you sleep), it's a question that sounds in your head with a mockingly mocking intonation: “Well, and what will you do? You, who is not capable of anything? You, nothing?"

There is no experience in solving such situations, there are no proven border protection technologies, there are almost no borders themselves. Fearfully. Hard. It is not clear how. And dozens of people toss and turn in their beds, cursing and cursing "these freaks", but not one will go downstairs to ask them to be quiet and not one will call the police to call the duty squad. Because: what if they are aggressive? What if they don't listen? Will the police come? And in general, what I need more than anyone else, others endure.

The paradox is that in reality we are not dealing with an excess, but with a deficit of aggression, healthy aggression that can protect. The long-term habit of letting this energy into the side channels leads to the fact that in the most obvious, obvious situation, when we need to defend our boundaries, protect the peace of ours and our loved ones, we are powerlessly angry and do nothing. Having decided in advance that this is impossible, although the teenagers under the window are not a police state and, in general, one could try.

I remember a case: in the summer at night, someone regularly rode under the windows on a loudly rattling moped. We tossed and turned, got angry, looked out the window, for a long time did not dare to go downstairs. In my head, fantasies were spinning about how the brazen owner of a moped, a moral freak, specially drives at night, revels in his power over an entire neighborhood, which he does not let him sleep and no one can do anything to him. Finally we went into the yard - we wanted to sleep unbearably. Already quite angry, my husband just got in the way of the moped and when it slowed down, he grabbed our tormentor by the collar. And then we heard a frightened voice: "Uncle, don't hit me, please!" The "moral freak" turned out to be a puny kid of 13 years old, who confusedly explained that he was skating at night simply because he had no rights, but he simply did not think about the fact that one could hear so much in the apartments: on the contrary, he was sure that it was night, everyone is asleep and no one will know. Well, it is clear what kind of parents are there who did not worry, where is the child at two in the morning. I picked up my moped and went for a ride on the wasteland. We shouted after him to drive carefully. It was both funny and ashamed of myself and my fantasies about someone cool and malicious.

Here is a deeper and more serious reason: lack of faith in oneself, the consciousness of one's cowardice, contempt and hatred of oneself, incapable of self-defense, makes each case a hundred times more painful. To get out of the state of insignificance, people again use aggression - as a way to feel, at least for a while, their strength, their existence. Any aggression from above is always willing to join and loudly “support” (sometimes louder and more active than even the aggressor himself), as if this symbolic merger with the “strong” gives them an indulgence from insignificance. And the streams of redirected aggression do not dry up and splash around uncontrollably.

And we descend from the gangway at the airport and enter this familiar aura, and our shoulders, fingers and jaws are subtly clenched …

What to do

What to do? First of all, be aware of all this. Realizing that the position of eternal sacrifice is not at all a position of peacefulness and “kindness”. This is a position of passive, powerless aggression, which destroys both ourselves and the fabric of society, because when everyone is “ugly” - what kind of social fabric can there be?

To realize that we take this position not only because we were driven into it, but also by our own choice. It is beneficial, with all the disadvantages, does not provide for any action and no responsibility. Sitting and habitually getting angry at everything and everyone is simple and convenient.

But if we want to someday stop hearing the question "Why is everyone in Russia so angry?" and stop "enjoying" the impotent anger spread everywhere, we need to regain our aggression, our healthy anger, our ability to stand up for ourselves. To recall or create anew the technologies for defending our borders, learn not to be afraid to say: “I don’t agree, it doesn’t suit me”, not to be afraid to “stick out”, learn to unite with others in order to defend your rights. It is no coincidence, for example, that many people note that the crowd of people at protest rallies, oddly enough, turns out to be much more friendly, polite and cheerful than the crowd in the subway at rush hour. When people learn the civilized way of expressing their aggression directly to the address, they have nothing to get angry with others.

Ultimately, the task is to rebuild boundaries at all levels from the bottom up, to remake a vertical society into a society of some more interesting and complex configuration. And then it will surely turn out that we are not evil at all, but quite the opposite.