Never Get Angry! Or Who Took Away Your Right To Conflict

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Do not be afraid of the conflict, it cleans up the relationship!" - a close person once told me. This surprised me, since since childhood I have heard from my mom and dad: "Do not be angry, otherwise no one will get along with you!" And I was very scared at the thought of being rejected by the whole world. So, I drove my anger or ability to be angry deep into my heart. And my heart began to ache. And not only the heart. Over time, as I began to allow myself to get angry, my health improved significantly.

"Wow!" - I thought, - "so that's what it is!" and gradually I began to give myself the right to be angry, but the trouble is, no one taught me how to get angry so that later everyone around would not scatter from the relationship with me and how to get angry correctly without destroying the relationship.

Today I will tell you about this and about who stole your right to conflict.

Indeed, an unresolved conflict is like an abscess, an abscess that will never break through. And all the pus of the problem infects the relationship system, poisons relationships and, in the end, kills love, friendship, business. But why are so many people so afraid of getting into conflict?

Of course, again, our beloved childhood, when dad and mom said that being angry is bad, do not be angry, be always kind, and even more so do not be angry with dad and mom, because you cannot get angry with dad and mom. You can't be angry with the neighbor boy Petya and his mother, Aunt Shura: "What will people say if they see that you are such an angry boy, ill-mannered?" At the same time, mom and dad can get angry - yell, slap their little child on the bottom, insult. "We can - you can not" - by the way, this is Müller's slogan from the movie "Seventeen Moments of Spring".

Do not get mad! With this slogan, millions of young guys and girls go to life, hiding under ties and suits in the heart area a huge lump of anger, which, no, no, even gives itself out as a tachycardic at a young age, trembling fingers, wet palms and red spots on the skin and difficulty breathe at the moment when you need to protect yourself from the aggression of the outside world, depression, suicidal thoughts, and later heart attacks, strokes, oncology and other serious diseases, the psychological aspect of which is permeated with suppressed accumulated anger towards those who are so scared to lose.

What exactly is blocking the expression of anger? Here are 4 reasons for blocking anger.

1. There are no socially approved forms for expressing this feeling. For us, the expression of anger is at once a picture in the imagination: "brawl, swearing, fight, defeat, insults, shouts, etc. …" - all that can rightfully be considered violence and cruelty. But how to express healthy aggression, without which it is simply impossible to survive in this world, no one knows.
2. Shame. Because from childhood they taught that to be angry - "it's bad, ashamed, not beautiful." And if so, then you need to be a good boy (girl) all your life.
3. The fear of losing relationships, money, some good things and … the fear of losing control over their rage can also make many people remain silent when they want to scream. How to express, for example, anger at a client when he then goes to another specialist? How to express anger to a boss when there are risks that he will fire? And so dependence and bondage in relationships is formed.
4. Guilt. Because mom and dad were manipulating on guilt: "If you are angry with me, then I will be offended and will not talk to you and generally I will not love you, since you are angry with me." And so, for every attempt to show anger, a person trained by his parents feels guilty. And then what happens? “Rape me, I won't even notice. Because if I notice that you are raping me and give you back, then I will drown in guilt for trying to protect myself and my personal boundaries.

If you have not overcome these 4 reasons for blocking anger, you will not be able to constructively resolve any conflict.

Well, stop playing the game called "I'm a good boy (girl)!" Aren't you tired of constantly pretending to be God? All people are angry, there is not a single person who is never angry in his life. And you have the right to that feeling and to express it, just like everyone else. Take back this right to yourself. Anger, anger, aggressiveness - this is what will help you protect your borders or the borders of loved ones. Use your anger defensively, not offensively.

Imagine that you are a lawyer, or an athlete, or a surgeon, or a taxi driver.. Can you do your job well enough without being aggressive, without controlling your aggressiveness? No!

So how do you express your aggression, healthy aggression, and healthy anger in response to breaking your boundaries? How to be aggressive, but not destructive for yourself and others?

Here are some forms of expression of aggression.

1. Words that help express anger are very simple. And your parents took away the right to speak these fishes sometime in your childhood. These are the words "No!" and "Stop!" They are aggressive regulators of healthy relationships. The other person cannot know anything about your personal boundaries and you are obliged to inform him about where your boundaries lie with the help of "no" and "stops".
2. Instead of fighting and shouting, for a start, try to say to the person to whom your anger is addressed: “This does not suit me, it is not profitable for me, I don’t like it, I’m so uncomfortable,” or even better, say directly: “I am annoyed, I am angry when someone does like this …"

You talk about how you feel and do not attack anyone, you do not blame anyone, but simply say: "I am annoyed by loud music, turn it off, please" and then after you have said without accusations about your feelings of anger, ask a person not to do so. It works very well in close relationships. Instead of reproach, you say feeling and ask. And nothing more. This is how the conflict is resolved.

When you define your boundaries, ask a loved one, and how he feels at the same time. Because self-love is the ability to use your own aggressiveness to build your boundaries with the world. Love for another is interest in his feelings, interests and needs.

Conflict is not a fight and violence - it is respect for one's own and others 'boundaries, an interest in one's own and others' feelings and needs. The solution to a conflict is always a balance on the border of contact between two people or groups of people. And without confidence in your right to express healthy forms of aggression, no conflict can be resolved.