2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
He doesn't appreciate me. She always did everything for a man - everything he wants. Always happy for him, always the best for him and for him. We came to the conclusion that he does not appreciate me. These are the claims I often hear in family counseling. Understanding the intricacies of family conflicts, I often come across the following situation.
Many men and women deliberately create families with more developed and successful partners … so as not to develop themselves
That is, a man or a woman is frankly too lazy to get a higher education, too lazy to achieve success at work, too lazy to earn decent money. That is why they create such love and / or family alliances so that they can live "without straining." Namely, in this kind of couples, I most often meet sad sighs, sobs and cries about the fact that: “I have sacrificed everything (all) of this person, helped her (him) in everything, was (a) beside, taught (a) how to behave correctly, directed (a) through life, he (a) refused a career … and now you have to be such (oh) an ungrateful brute and leave me just when at the very (oops) the peak of success has begun! Well, isn't this bestiality, and not disgusting ?! He doesn't appreciate me!"
When you ask such men and women who have suffered from family ingratitude: “According to you, you decided to sacrifice yourself to your husband (wife). Did your partner ask you about it? Maybe he (a) once discussed this situation, told you that now the main task is to put everything on someone from the family, and then everything will turn out a hundredfold, etc.? . You usually get a stereotypical answer: “You know, we didn’t have any such conversations. I decided to sacrifice myself completely voluntarily, out of a feeling of great love. Is it necessary to discuss something in such cases? After all, there are some unwritten rules by which everyone lives …”.
Here's what I want to say about this. Of course, there are unwritten rules. They also exist in love and family relationships. However, you know perfectly well that it is incredibly difficult to prove a violation of even the officially written rules, and even more so to fix it. Why then demand from the rules not written! But the most important thing is that:
Many men and women, ostensibly "betting on their" half ", actually just find a beautiful fig leaf
… for their own parasitism and lack of their own ability to fight for a good life
Alas, this "fig leaf" often actually turns out to be … fig, in all the various senses of the word. This also happens because our loved ones are not blind! Many men and women, of course, giving credit to those of their "halves" who "voluntarily sacrifice themselves to them," nevertheless, are aware of their some parasitism, in the desire to "sacrifice little", but in fact NOTHING SACRIFICING (since most of these "voluntarily sacrificial" husbands and wives would STILL never have received a prestigious education or would not have made their own careers) to tear a large chunk of happiness and material well-being from life. And as you yourself understand, this significantly reduces the level of their human and family gratitude, reduces the willingness of “reciprocal sacrifice” that their “adhered partners” who “voluntarily abandoned their own career and financial take-off” count on.
What follows from this? It follows that you should never consider those around you more stupid than your loved ones. We must be aware that the very prudence, which we are often so proud of, also exists in our loved ones, wives and husbands (and even children). And therefore, the following situation often arises in life:
Everyday prudence and pragmatism of one person almost always runs into the prudence and pragmatism of another
At this point, who will be taken out like a curve …
Some of the spouses, however, having made a dizzying career, until the end of their money, will sincerely believe that his (her) half "brought their own personal success to the sacrifice of common success", provide her financially and solemnly celebrate the "golden wedding".
Someone will mentally say to himself (oops): “Okay, for the time being I will tolerate this adhesion, which himself (a) does not want to study or work, but only hangs around behind me like a tail and provides various small services. In the end, it is still convenient for me … But when I achieve something meaningful, then I will automatically get rid of him (her) …”.
Someone's career may turn out to be "dizzying" in the truest sense of the word. Then this person who suddenly ascended upstairs will abandon the one who is not very close to him and not even very much noticing how and when it happened. The reason for this will also be fully understandable to me as a psychologist:
The higher the level of the career and financial ladder, the more talented adherents and parasites are there
That is, the level of thinking and behavior of the one who so diligently “sacrificed himself” and in every possible way “pushed up” his half may simply be insufficient to compete with those more cunning and seasoned men and women who “float” on the very same a higher level of life, where the one (that) who so vainly expected (a) simple human gratitude wanted to push his “more promising half”.
What do we get out of this whole situation that I have described? We take out the following:
Conclusion 1. If (let's say) your desire to abandon your own educational, career and financial path (or to reduce all this to a minimum) in order to "make it promising (oh), help your loved one (husband, wife) break out into people" still hides nothing more than disbelief in one's own strengths or an elementary unwillingness to study and work a lot, I sincerely advise you NOT to LIE TO YOURSELF, but to call things by their proper names. Psychologists are not moralists, it is important for us that every person is psychologically comfortable. Therefore, if you manage to form such a loving-family symbiosis, where you move someone upward (or at least imitate this fascinating process), and the person pays for your moral support with his gratitude and loyalty to you, and both of you feel good, then this the scheme has a right to exist. (Look around - there are so many such pairs!)
Simply in this case, I strongly advise you not to build illusions and not to relax! As I said, your loved one, firstly, may well “calculate” and “use” you earlier than you yourself planned to receive dividends from your “half”. And secondly, becoming more successful, your loved one will definitely raise the bar of requirements in relation to those around him. Including in relation to you too (I would say - especially in relation to you). And here it is important so diligently to satisfy all the basic whims and requests of your "promising" partner, so as not to lose to more skillful players on this field (and there are many of them).
Conclusion number 2. Trying not to lose the person you "put" on, trying to satisfy all his (her) basic whims and demands, you should be prepared for the fact that your pride and jealousy will suffer very much. The thing is that:
In a game that has begun according to certain rules, all players, without exception, obey the rules
Therefore, in the family game "we put everything on a partner" your partner will definitely be friends and flirt with those people towards whom you will feel either dislike or jealousy (or both at once). In the end, “all this is necessary for the cause, you understand …” by your side. Now a planning meeting, now a meeting, now a conference, now a corporate party, now guests from a higher structure, now a picnic with management outside the city, then internships, then business trips. And you all endure and be sad …
Keep in mind: so many women and men (especially women) have come and come to my appointment personally, who, having put everything on their partner, then simply could not withstand the moral stress, at times were themselves ready to a lot of things about himself imagining hubby-chief ", or" send away this otter, who played so much that he plays the boss even at home! ".
Therefore, if you still consciously wish not to spend your own strength, brains and knowledge on a breakthrough in life, but strive to be a "trailer" to someone whom you support in every possible way in his desire to "rise up", then I immediately wish you on this path, stock up on a very, very, very large supply of patience and even have a moral readiness, which in the end you will not only not be thanked, but frankly abandoned. And therefore, proceeding from the reality that during my psychological receptions I see almost every day.
Do you agree with my article "He doesn't appreciate me … … I sacrifice my career for the sake of my family and you."?
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