2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
We often think of domestic violence as regular beatings, but psychological abuse can be just as devastating, and the effects last much longer than bruising. American psychotherapist Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with male abusers for many years, wrote a book in which he tried to answer the question of the partners of these same male torturers, "Why is he doing this?"
Physical abuse is just the tip of the iceberg. Millions of women have never been beaten, but every day they hear abuse and abuse, forced sex and other forms of psychological pressure. Scars from mental humiliation can be as deep and long as the marks from the beatings, but they are much less noticeable. Even among women who have been physically abused, half believe emotional bullying is worse.
The nature of domestic violence
Physical and emotional abuse is much less different than it seems. They have the same reasons, and the process of overcoming them - for the few who do change - is very similar. And these two categories overlap strongly: physical aggression is almost always accompanied by verbal, and verbal often turns into physical. One of the main difficulties in recognizing constant humiliation in a union is that such men do not appear to be cruel tormentors. They have many virtues, including kindness, compassion, and a sense of humor - especially at the beginning of a relationship. There are “bells”, but women do not notice them: derogatory remarks are becoming more and more frequent; generosity gives way to greed; the partner explodes when he doesn't like something; when she is dissatisfied with something, the arrows are shifted to her, as if she is always to blame for everything; he acts as if he knows better than her what is good for her. Many women feel more and more oppressed and intimidated. But they see their men as loving and caring and want to help them get rid of mood swings and oddities in behavior.
Why is he doing this?
An embittered controlling man often, like a vacuum cleaner, sucks out her life and her will from a woman, but there is always an opportunity to regain his life for himself. The first step is to learn to recognize what your partner is doing and why. But after plunging into the depths of his consciousness, it is equally important to swim to the surface and in the future to keep as far as possible from the water. I do not mean that you have to leave your partner - this is a difficult and completely personal decision that only you can make. But whether you stay or not, you can stop letting your partner change your outlook on life and put yourself in the center of the frame. You deserve to live your life. The main problem of a male tormentor is that his concepts of good and evil are shifted, in his opinion, humiliating a partner is permissible. So, a partner or other close person commits psychological abuse when:
Controls your movements
He dictates to you where you can and where you can’t go, while not necessarily in a commanding voice: of course, he “just recommends, for your own good, and you, of course, are free to do as you want, but you will upset him very much, but he loves you like no one else has loved and will not love you, so there is no need to upset him. Remember that you decide what is good for you. You are not a dog, not a girl, and no one has declared you incapacitated. Therefore, you decide for yourself where and when you go. Who disagrees - thanks, goodbye.
Isolates you from other people
He does this when you need your friends and family most of all, depriving you of their support. He provokes quarrels and adds fuel to the fire of old disagreements, assures you that all these people around are hypocrites, fools and do not wish you well. Not that he is. Therefore, let "there will be only the two of us - against all."
Offending in a spirit of evil teasing
Deliberately saying something to a person, knowing that it will hurt him, is verbal violence. But many try to disguise derogatory remarks as specific humor. By the way, be it a partner or any other person, but if after his jokes and remarks you feel upset, unsure of yourself, then you have become a victim of psychological abuse.
Haunts you
At first, these may be “surprises”. Are you at work? The phone call: "Where are you?" This is not a romantic passion. Anyway, if these "surprises" are repeated after you have clearly said that you do not like them.
Gaslighting
"Gaslighting" is a term that arose after the release of the film of the same name, where the husband set up all sorts of strange incidents, and then convinced his wife that she saw them because she was crazy, but in fact there was nothing like that. In other words, a person is trying to convince you that white is black, well, but you yourself are simply pushing back because you “are not able to see reality,” which he just sees very clearly. Eventually, you will start to doubt everything you think. Trust yourself, your intuition and experience. The person who loves you will support you and enjoy your growth, not try to drag you down.
Remember that in a relationship where any kind of violence takes place, there is no place for love, everything revolves around issues of power. And if some of the techniques in which you learned the behavior of a loved one seem harmless to you, remember that they tend to get worse over time. Therefore, take care of your safety in advance, even if it means breaking up the relationship.
What won't help you
Will it escalate into physical abuse? Answer the following questions: Has he ever locked you in a room? Did he threaten you with his fist as if he was about to punch? Did he throw objects at or near you? Grabbed, held by force, did not let you escape? Threatened to injure you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you don't have to worry if he becomes aggressive - he is already. In more than half of the cases when women talk about verbal violence, physical violence also occurs. The torturer's emotional problems are not the cause of his behavior. By understanding what is bothering him, helping him increase his self-esteem, or changing the dynamics of your relationship, you will not change his behavior. It is not feelings, but beliefs, values, and habits that underlie controlling behavior. The reasons that the male tormentor himself explains his behavior are mostly excuses. It is impossible to overcome the habit of humiliating your partner by working on self-esteem, self-control, or conflict resolution techniques. The tormentor constantly seeks to confuse others. You are absolutely innocent. Your partner's problem is entirely his problem.
What to do about it?
The tormentor does not change because he is ashamed, because he suddenly received his sight or heard the voice of God. He does not change when he sees fear in the eyes of his children or when he feels that they do not want to communicate with him. He does not get the insight that his partner is worthy of better treatment. Because the tormentor is self-centered and gains clear advantages in controlling you, he can change only if he himself feels that he must change. Therefore, the only thing that can be done is to put him in a situation where he has no other choice. Sometimes, after a lot of work and significant changes, the motivation of the tormentor can become more internal. But an external impetus is needed to start the process. Either the partner demands changes and promises to leave, or the court demands changes and promises to go to jail. Men who came to the groups of their own free will always left the program after a few weeks.
So, you can do the following. First, be aware of the consequences. Be prepared to leave if possible, or involve law enforcement. Second - clearly articulate your expectations for his attitude towards you: what suits you, and what you are not going to put up with. Third, focus on yourself and your goals and objectives. Give him a clear feeling that if he does not change, you will leave him.
Based on materials: lundybancroft.com, psycologytoday.com
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