What To Do When You Want To Go To Family Therapy And Your Partner Doesn't?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Sometimes situations happen: it is obvious that there is a problem, and you can even outline it more or less clearly (for example, a specific problem in a relationship). And there are specialists who help to solve just this kind of problem (for example, family and couple psychologists). It seems like everything is in the palm of your hand.

But with what is obvious to one, the second may completely disagree.

And that's okay.

Misunderstanding arises at different levels … There is no agreement in the very fact of a problem, there is no agreement that changes are needed and how to achieve them, etc.

What should be done to achieve mutual understanding?

1

Firstly, to talk … Find out the reason for your partner's reluctance. At the same time, once again voice the reason for your desire.

There are several important points here.

Simple option … Your partner gave a purely ad hoc reason. For example, in the next month nothing, because the working draft is on fire. Or the psychotherapist, whom you both chose, is now categorically disliked. Or you need to move for a while to stay with sick relatives in another city. Etc.

If this kind of reason is really a reason, and not an excuse (due to deeper reasons), then it is easily solved. You can change the time of the session, postpone the start of therapy for several weeks, find another psychotherapist. You can even come to a test session and immediately warn you that you want to meet a specialist, but you will regularly walk no earlier than after a certain amount of time. There would be a desire.

How to understand, a reason or an excuse? You know your partner better, so be guided by the measure of his / her sincerity. Did your partner hear you, went through all the possible options? It also makes sense to listen to your feelings: during the conversation, did you discuss the problem together and build a solution, or was one side active, while the other was present “for show”?

Because it happens in different ways. Let's move on:

Complicated option … Your partner basically does not want any family therapy, because he does not see the reason (does not call "problem" what you call "problem"). Or I agree with you about the existence of a problem, but thinks that it will not be solved in psychotherapy. Or I am sure that "it will pass by itself."

The common thing in this is the principled position, that is, family therapy is not seen as a chance to solve a problem, improve relationships, and a new level of clarity. Not considered at all.

Then you find yourself in a situation where you are not heard. What you consider to be a problem and offer solutions is rejected. Your feelings of discomfort are devalued. Since the question that made you think and seek professional help does not seem to exist.

As if.

But the problem is usually not solved if nothing is done. Often it is also aggravated.

Result for item 1

• Talk to your partner. Set aside a time and place for the conversation so that it is not "in between."
• Listen to your partner. Listen to yourself.
• Use I-statements instead of You-accusations (for example, “I feel thrown into a whirlwind of problems that have to be solved on my own,” rather than “You never help me!”).
• Remember about the compromise option: just one session, but by mutual agreement and desire, without the obligation to go in the future.

2

If it turns out that discussion is not the way for your partner, and no common solution has been worked out. And for you, at the same time, the problem is still relevant. Then perhaps your option is individual psychotherapy.

Of course, not necessarily. When does psychotherapy still help?

You see the task primarily in change in relationship … After all, it was not for nothing that the initial request was for a pair consultation. It is important to understand that when one person changes, then the quality of his relations with loved ones and with those around him also changes.

Therefore, you can work on relationships in individual therapy as well.

A pleasant and useful bonus - along the way, your picture of the world or the vision of one specific problem, or your attitude to it, may change. And this will also contribute to your understanding of the couple.

Perhaps it will concern something distant, unrelated to the original request. But the psyche is a very complexly organized system in which important relationships often do not lie on the surface. Psychotherapy is lengthy for this very reason. This is how it works. But a new quality of relations, a new understanding of your boundaries and your comfort - all this remains with you.

After a conversation, probably not the only one, You are hurt by misunderstanding and not hearing from your partner … And you think about it even after a while, you remember, you scroll through the conversation (s).

You want it to happen differently, so that it does not affect you so much. Or you want to learn new ways of interacting, different from usual. Want to feel freer and more confident. And not only in relationships.

You want something for yourself, although it was a joint experience and an attempt to go to therapy together that prompted you. You have the right to want something for yourself.

All these are requests to work out internal conflicts (“I want one thing, but I get another,” “I say one thing, but they hear me differently,” etc.). And if there is a desire to meet yourself, then psychotherapy will show the way.

Because first the coverage of the whole picture, and only then the choice of what to do with it, how and when.

Result for item 2

• If for you in the phrase "change in relationship" the word "change" responds more, if you want understanding and change even though your partner does not want it, then you will probably benefit from individual psychotherapy.
• It will most likely affect your relationship as well. But first of all, it is clarity and confidence for you personally, these are comfortable boundaries for you personally.
• Of course, with a specialist you trust.

Conclusions (thesis)

If you want to go to family therapy and your partner doesn’t want to, the first thing to do is talk. Respectfully arranging time and space in advance.

Talk and develop a joint vision: is there a problem and if so, what is it and can it be solved in a pair consultation. After reframing the problem, it may be that your partner sees a chance for your relationship in family therapy. Perhaps it will turn out that he will not see - well, he has the right.

Together you can attend a trial session and then decide whether it is worth it and whether you need to dig further.

If the request for therapy is relevant, but it does not work out in the family format, you can try individual therapy. You, too, have the right.

Deep therapy is likely to affect relationships with loved ones. Although the request to start working with a psychotherapist can be anything.