CONNECTED: A TRAP OF HOPE

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Video: CONNECTED: A TRAP OF HOPE

Video: CONNECTED: A TRAP OF HOPE
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CONNECTED: A TRAP OF HOPE
CONNECTED: A TRAP OF HOPE
Anonim

CONNECTED: A TRAP OF HOPE

In a dependent relationship, a person tries

solve their children's developmental problems, using your partner for this

It's all a game like that.

You're running, I'm catching up

If you turn around, I run away.

Accident "Hug"

The Essence of the Addictive Relationship Paradox

Looking back at my experience with the problem of addictive relationships, I want to make the following thesis, which will become the basis for my further reasoning:

"The paradox of the dependent couple is that each of the partners expects from the other the satisfaction of one of his needs (in unconditional love, acceptance, recognition), which he, in principle, cannot satisfy."

Experts working with this kind of psychological problems, I think, will agree with me how difficult and rather long (and sometimes ineffective) work here can be even with the most motivated clients.

Then a natural question arises: "Why are these couples so stable? What keeps partners together?", "How can you solve the problem of addiction in a couple?"

I will try to answer these questions.

Strange games

A closer acquaintance with the specifics of the relationship of dependent people leads to the understanding that the essence of such relationships is a rather strange game. This game, like all games, has its own rules, thanks to which it is preserved. The main properties of this game are as follows:

  • It is not realized by both partners and is perceived by them as their life.
  • There are no winners or losers in this game. Each of its participants passionately wants to win, but this turns out to be impossible in principle.
  • None of the partners is ready to give up and stop the game, refuse it, despite the fact that it is not possible to win.
  • The process of the game itself is attractive to partners. This kind of game is emotionally charged. There are many different emotions, even passions in it. In such a life-game you will definitely not get bored.
  • From time to time, when passions heat up, one of the partners "invites" the third - the rescuer - into the game to relieve tension.
  • Attempts to interfere with the game from the outside (including the psychotherapist) lead to the rallying of partners in the game and "exile" of the third.

Unsolved development problem

Pairs for such games are not chosen by chance. They are complementary or complementary in nature and their "roots" lead to the basic needs of partners frustrated in parent-child relationships. The main needs here are as follows: in safety, in unconditional acceptance and love, in a sense of self-worth, attention.

In the experience of relationships with significant adults, some of these needs turned out to be unmet, and the child was unable to solve for himself at this stage of his life the task of development that was tied to this need. The gestalt was incomplete.

An unresolved development task needs its completion and takes away a lot of energy from a person, which could be used by him to solve his subsequent life tasks. For example, those children who have not solved the problem with the security of the world will compulsively solve it throughout their lives. They remain fixed in the modality of the I-World relationship. And even the Other that has appeared in their lives will be considered by them as an object to satisfy, first of all, this very need - for security.

It is paradoxical that in the future. already in adulthood, each of the partners unconsciously “chooses” such a “parent” in contact with whom patterns of relationships similar to those of the parent would be played out and similar situations and feelings would be experienced. This is situations of rejection, non-acceptance, non-recognition and their attendant feelings: resentment, disappointment, shame, guilt,. In fact, such relationships support their chronic developmental injury: rejection, abandonment., devaluation, rejection …

What makes a person return to the previous "childish" situation?

It is surprising that people who are dependent on relationships, even when they encounter “suitable objects” on their life path - those people who are ready to give them what they need so badly, do not stay in these relationships for a long time. Such people seem uninteresting to them, and the relationship is boring. And they fanatically look for such partners for themselves, from whom it is impossible to get what they want and again and again experience frustration.

Why is the dependent partner not content with a "good object", but compulsively looking for one from whom it is impossible to get what he wants?

I will offer two options for an answer:

  • The desire to experience familiar emotional states.
  • Striving to solve their own development problem on their own.

Most often, researchers of this kind of relationship choose the first answer. I think there is something in this. People tend to return to the old familiar experience of relationships with familiar experiences and relive them over and over again.

However, in my opinion, the second answer is still more significant. It is important for a person decide for yourself his development task, ready-made solutions do not allow him to grow and move on. He can only rely on his past experience.

The essence of the described relations is well illustrated by the tale of A. S. Pushkin "About the fisherman and the fish".

In my opinion, in this fairy tale story we are dealing with dependent relationships.

Old man in these relations, he solves the problem of recognition-approval, which, apparently, it was impossible for him to get from the parental figures. The object for solving this problem is the old woman, for whom he performs his "feats", resorting to the magic of a fish. The old woman gives him the opportunity to perform feats, leaving the hope of earning parental (mother's) love.

Old woman, in my opinion, it solves the problem of the security of the world - again and again using the old man to confirm his "loyalty". For her, this kind of relationship maintains the illusion of being able to experience unconditional, sacrificial love, which she, in all likelihood, did not receive from her mother.

However, in these relations they cannot solve their unsolved "childish" problems …

Whatever feats the Old Man performs for the Old Woman, this cannot satisfy her need, which is frustrated in other respects. Her requirements for the Old Man read: "Mom, prove to me that you love me and are ready for anything for me!".

And the Old Woman is not able to satisfy the needs of the Old Man. In fact, all actions of the Old Man can be described as "Mom, praise me, tell me I'm a good boy!" But he was not destined to hear these words from the Old Woman's lips, just as, apparently, he was not destined to hear them in his childhood from his mother. In addition, the Old Woman “unconsciously knows” that if she gives the old man a confession, she will thereby “untie” him from herself.

Sometimes the game is all there is in such a relationship, and on it they keep. It is never known in advance if there is something else behind the game that can connect these people. Take this game away from the couple and will they have something for each other? By this game, they are tightly attached to each other.

Illusions of consciousness

Why are these games so stable?

In my opinion, they hold on to illusions. We are talking about the following illusions or errors of consciousness, which are present in both participants in this game:

  • The partner has what I need so badly.
  • My partner has to give it to me!
  • If I try hard, I will definitely get it from him.

Each of the partners firmly believes in these illusions. These illusions are based on an unconscious attitude to see a parent in their partner. In a dependent relationship, a person solves his childhood developmental problems, using for this another person, his partner, who should not do this. And it cannot.

Dealing with illusions is the hardest part of addiction therapy. It inevitably involves meeting partners with disappointment. But this is the only way to switch to a new source of energy - to learn to rely on yourself …

How this is possible in a therapeutic relationship will be discussed in the next article.

I indicate here the directions of such work:

  • Awareness of relationships as a game
  • Parting with the illusions of consciousness through living relationships with significant people
  • Reconstruction of your self-identity as an adult identity
  • Search for other sources of resources to satisfy a frustrated need

Love yourself!

For nonresidents, it is possible to consult and supervise the author of the article via the Internet. Skype Login: Gennady.maleychuk

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