2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I love the topic of love and today I will describe 2 theories of love that are close to me, as well as one phenomenon that I find important for love and relationships.
All these theories are united by the fact that no one should put himself on the altar for the sake of another - i.e. no one remains a victim in a relationship, which, in fact, is an important condition for mature love.
"What are we talking about today?" or PLAN ARTICLES
- Love according to Erich Fromm
- Robert Sternberg's three-component theory of love
- Borders in love
- The meaning of love
LOVE FOR ERICH FROMM
"Love is an active interest in life and the object of love." - writes E. Fromm
In his book The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm places great emphasis on the fact that without self-love, love for others is impossible! And this seems very logical to me: if I cannot take care and show love for myself, then how can I really show love for another (I don’t know in practice what it is!)? Roughly speaking, there is no matrix on which the code of manifestation of love is written.
It is important to understand that self-love is not equal to selfishness (it is also a consequence of insufficient self-love), but this can become the topic of a separate conversation.
I made the following conclusion for myself from Fromm's reflections:
If there is no me, then there is no person who can experience and show love for another.
ROBERT STERNBERG'S THREE-COMPONENT LOVE THEORY
It includes the following components:
- Passion - sexual attraction to the object.
- Proximity (intimacy) - a feeling of belonging, unity, connectedness, mental and emotional comfort, interest in another.
- Commitment - a decision to stay with a partner in the short term and general plans for the future in the long term.
In accordance with the ratio of 3 components, Robert Sternberg highlights 8 types of love:
1. Lack of love (no component shown) characterizes many day-to-day interactions with others.
2. Falling in love (passion only): Relatively fleeting, disappears suddenly without intimacy or commitment.
3. Friendship (closeness only): Feelings of connectedness and warmth without feelings of intense passion or long-term commitment.
4. Empty love (commitment only) characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion, common in the cultures of arranged marriages of convenience.
5. Romantic love (passion + intimacy). Romantic lovers are not only physically drawn to each other, but also emotionally connected - yet lack a supportive commitment. Resort romances are a good example.
6. Friendly love (intimacy + commitment) is stronger than friendship due to the element of long-term commitment. It is observed in long marriages, where passion is no longer there, but there is deep affection and commitment to each other.
7. Fatal love (passion + commitment) is characterized by a stormy start of a relationship, which often turns into marriage (often immediately). Her oversight is that commitment is built on an often unpredictable passion without the stabilizing influence of intimacy.
8. Perfect love (passion + intimacy + commitment) is the complete form of love and is presented as the ideal relationship that people aspire to. According to the author of the theory, these couples continue to have great sex after more than 15 years of relationship, they cannot imagine a happier long-term relationship with someone else, they know how to solve their few difficulties, and everyone enjoys a relationship with a partner. The author believes that maintaining perfect love can be even more difficult than achieving it.
How do you like this theory? I like it for its simplicity, applicability, clarity. Here it is only important to understand that everyone makes their own choice of the form of love - and this is normal.
Also both theories include dynamism of love, suggest possible changes, which corresponds to reality - it often changes and forces you to adjust. I believe that the feeling of love also undergoes changes in accordance with circumstances, crises in a couple, personal and physiological / physical changes in a person.
BOUNDARIES IN LOVE
There is an idea that love has no boundaries. It's a delusion. Moreover, if there are no boundaries, then love cannot be maintained at a quality level. Imagine that anyone can burst into your house at any time, take what he needs and leave. Or vice versa, he will fall on your bed and sleep there.
Unfortunately, lack of boundaries in relationships also leads to permanent insecurity in them
Therefore, in love, boundaries are needed: emotional, physical, sexual, material, territorial, and so on (there are many of them). I think it will be possible to devote a separate article to this topic.
THE MEANING OF LOVE
A study was carried out: children who were deprived of physical contact in childhood lagged behind in their psychological and even physical development. And similar studies were conducted with "warm" and "cold" mothers with similar results. What conclusions can we draw from these studies?
Without love, a person can survive, but will he develop sufficiently? It looks like no.
Without love, people grow up emotionally traumatized and then repeat this experience in adulthood, traumatizing other people, their children. In a good case, such people then for a long time "lick their wounds" in the offices of psychotherapists.
Therefore, if we talk about the importance of love (mature), it is very important both for the basic development of the child, and further in the life of a person as a whole.
And what kind of additional meaning you give your need for love is really your story and your choice. If, for example, we talk about the 3 components of Sternberg's theory, then each will have a separate component more important than the others - and this is the norm, and it is good if you clearly understand what is more important to you.
Regardless of your personal choice, I wish you to find love for yourself … After all, everything starts with her!
I would love to hear from you! Also open for consultation if you have a desire to explore your love and your life!
Recommended:
Otto Kernberg: 9 Signs Of Mature Love
Otto Kernberg created a modern psychoanalytic theory of personality and his own psychoanalytic method, proposed a new approach to the therapy of borderline personality disorders and a new look at narcissism. And then he suddenly changed the direction of research and amazed everyone with a book about love and sexuality.
Kernberg's Eleven Aspects Of Mature Sexual Love
Author: Stepanova Maria Now I have a lot of interest in the topic of mature sexual love and I noticed that this topic also attracts the interest of the people around me - colleagues, clients, friends and those who somehow happened to be nearby.
Love And Love. Is There A Difference? Mindfulness And Unconscious Relationship Patterns
Today, at the penultimate consultation on Skype, late in the evening, at almost 9, we were analyzing the algorithms of codependent relationships with the client. A young woman, telling her story, shared genuine bewilderment: all her attempts to establish relations with a beloved man ran into "
Types Of Love And Their Difference: Passion, Falling In Love, Love Addiction, Absolute, Mature Love
Love … A word familiar from childhood. Everyone understands that when you are loved is good, but when you are deprived of love, it is bad. Only everyone understands it in their own way. Often this word is used to refer to something that turns out to be not quite love or not love at all.
The Eternal Themes "Love" And "Money": How The Shadow Of The "Curmudgeon" Limits The Ability To "work, Create And Love"
For some time I have been actively working with the topic "Archetypes and Shadows" both in client requests and in my own. Some developments began to appear. I want to share. Perhaps you will find something interesting for yourself.
