HOW TO GET DIVORCE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Andrey Zlotnikov for BLOGS TSN

There are four steps you need to take to get back to normal after a breakup - and that’s the death of your relationship - and it’s impossible

2018 was a record year for divorces in Ukraine - according to the Ministry of Justice, 53,860 divorced marriages compared to 33,169 in 2017. But, despite the massiveness of the phenomenon, each person comes to parting in his own way and lives it in his own way.

If the separation happened suddenly for one of the partners, then most often he (a) lives this event according to the stages of accepting death (or grief) according to the model of the American psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, because divorce is also death, only a relationship.

COMBUSTION STAGES

These stages are well-known, even Dr. House from the popular TV series of the same name mentions them in one of the episodes. Their names are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The first four stages are lived in approximately the same sequence, but there are also rollbacks. After depression, people often relive anger, bargaining, and denial.

The problem, besides the parting itself, is that many are not able to realize what is happening to them. Therefore, before moving on to the recommendations, let's get acquainted with the sketches of each of the stages.

Negation. Someone in a pair "as if" does not know that the relationship is not all right

The alarm bell sounded in my head more than once. Something is wrong with our relationship. And to ask - there is no strength. Fearfully. Suddenly the suspicions will be confirmed. And then you calm yourself down - it seemed. And then the very words sounded - "we need to talk." You freeze and hear: "I decided to leave."

For hours and days, you turn into a pillar of salt. Everything is seen as in a haze, but heard at a distance, like an echo in a telephone receiver. The world seemed to stand still. Time stopped. You don't remember what happened yesterday. You want to feel something, but you can't.

This is a stage when defenses are triggered in our psyche. It's like when traffic jams are knocked out in an apartment: you sit without light, but without a fire.

If the separation happened suddenly for one of the partners, then most often he (a) lives this event according to the stages of accepting death (or grieving)

Anger. On yourself and others

Then anger appears. It is he (a) who is to blame for everything. How could he (a)? And next to anger at a partner, anger at oneself appears. How did I allow this person into my life? How did you overlook the problem? After all, everything could be different. The surrounding people are annoying: "How can they be happy when it hurts so much!"

Bargain. Maybe we can wait? Maybe there is still a chance?

From time to time, dreams come - stupid and useless, that anything is possible. It is believed that the relationship will improve if I pay more attention / we have a child / move out from my parents / spend more time together, etc. Or that he / she will return, because it cannot be that he / she found another love. All this is a mistake, it is worth waiting a little, and the loved one will return, everything will work out.

Everything is already clear and there are no illusions, the anger has also passed, there is no point in bargaining. And then it comes - depression. An ocean of heartache. Storms, storms, calm, ebb and flow. Lack of soil underfoot. And not from the fact that you soar, but from the fact that you seem to have been evicted from planet Earth. Thoughts are confused. Tired.

Life inside stopped. And at the same time it is impossible to get the heart out of the chest, throw it away in the hope that the pain will stop. You do everything like a robot on the machine. Each action takes more energy than before.

HOW TO RETURN TO NORMAL LIFE

There are four key steps here. If you do not do them, then getting to the fifth stage - acceptance - will be impossible. So, to return to normal life and start a new, healthy relationship.

Give yourself the right to grieve … Parting, as we said, is the death of a relationship. And death is good to cry, scream, burn out, grieve. People around you may pay attention to your condition, so think about what is the best way to do it - take a vacation, tell your friends and colleagues about the divorce and ask them to treat you with understanding, not count on some kind of return from you emotionally and professionally. Ask for support from loved ones during this period.

Parting is the death of a relationship. And death is good to cry, scream, burn out, grieve

Be careful with your parents, as often, due to increased anxiety and fears, instead of support, they begin to wind up their adult children even more, along the way giving out unnecessary or even harmful advice.

Recreate loops … Our life is organized in a rather stereotypical way. We wake up, go to work, have lunch, dinner, organize and spend our leisure time. We fill our life with events. When we live with someone, both are involved in filling.

After a breakup, it is worth considering how to restore your life cycles. Take your children to the purchase of food, call your girlfriends, friends or colleagues to the cinema, team up with one of the parents to take turns taking the children to the kindergarten / school. The resulting failure must be filled with new content, and then the new path of life will be smooth and comfortable.

Overestimate values and goals … From therapeutic practice, many clients of my clients have a personal life similar to how grass grows: nature is supposed to grow grass, so it grows

Many relationships are based on parental prohibitions and prescriptions. All your friends create a family and have children, and you need to. This guy / girl does not suit you, but this / this one does. Sexual inhibitions are also reasons for starting a family. A hungry person is not very picky about food. He longs for satiety, not pleasure.

An even worse option is when they get married and get married just to leave home. Or when they unconsciously build initially unhealthy relationships in the family according to the parental model.

An analysis of values and goals can show that not only the person who decided to leave you is not on the way with you, but you are with him too

Fear of loneliness and lonely old age, fear of social contempt or condemnation from parents and relatives are not the best advisers in choosing a partner. But after the divorce, there is an opportunity to honestly answer what values and goals you, as a couple, have united, which have been corroded, and which values have remained important for each individually. For example, safety, prosperity, family, love, loyalty, care, self-realization of each partner, etc.

It is values and goals that hold the couple together and disconnect. Their analysis can show that not only the person who decided to leave you is not on the way with you, but you are with him too.

Seeing opportunities in a crisis … It's important to keep hope. Not on the return of a loved one (oh), but on the fact that another life is possible. And to admit, at least at the level of fantasy, that it will be better than the old one. Opportunities for the future always arise on the ruins of the past.

If you were unloved, you can finally feel love. There was no time for friends - you can chat as much as you want. Love ballet / football, and your partner hated it - voila, buy a ticket, call your friends and enjoy. And when you come to life, like a phoenix, then the world will come to life, filled with colors, desires, opportunities and meanings.

Yes, there is a pessimistic scenario, according to which depression cannot be dealt with without the help of a doctor. In this case, it is important that you yourself can admit it or your loved ones can help you and refer you to a specialist. And then be sure to move on to what is called a return to normal life.