Divorce. How To Survive A Divorce?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What is divorce? Contrary to everyday ideas of people, divorce is not at all synonymous with the words: "parting", "parted" or "parted". There is a huge semantic gap between the words "parted" and "divorced". Divorce is the termination of a marriage union officially recognized by the state between a man and a woman.

But "parting" - men and women who simply maintained an intimate or love relationship. Men and women who have lived together within the framework of so-called "civil relations" or are married are "dispersed" or "dispersed", but a serious conflict develops between them. Accordingly, until the spouses have gone through the formal procedure for divorce, until the registry office or the magistrate's court decided to hand them a document called "Certificate of divorce", even if they actually broke up or parted, it is more correct to use the concept: "a married couple in a pre-divorce situation."

💡 All this is so because from the point of view of society and the state, no matter how many times a man and a woman who officially created a marriage do not converge and do not diverge, parted and would not return back to each other, move in or disperse, until the corresponding legal the decision to end their marriage, and there was no official divorce - they are still husband and wife. With all that full set of family and paternal and maternal rights and obligations that are provided for by the laws of the Russian Federation.

To live and communicate with that representative of the opposite sex, in relation to whom suddenly, or gradually, feelings of love and sexual attraction ceased to work, most people are simply physically unable. And most men and women do not want to force themselves to live together or meet with someone for whom they no longer have feelings. We don’t like to live with those we don’t love. This is especially true for men.

Women can still live with someone who is sick of them, for the sake of a child born from this union, or simply because they have nowhere else to go, there is a financial dependence on a man. But all the same, it is extremely uncomfortable …

However, people do not belong to the genus "homo sapiens" - "reasonable man" for a reason. Even in ancient times they realized that feelings and emotions, even the brightest ones, are not at all the foundation on which to build something long, stable and predictable. Therefore, they came up with family and marriage, that is, such a form of relationship between a man and a woman, where these relations are contractual, long-term, impose on partners clearly understood rights and obligations, provide for certain sanctions to those who violate this agreement. The invisible core of the marriage contract is not a spoken aloud, but an implied guarantee that the man and woman who create this family undertake to live together, run a joint household, maintain intimate relationships, and take care of each other and the children in a couple all their lives., that is, even when their love and attraction is gone. That is, the family and the fixing moment of its creation, the marriage ritual is nothing more than an attempt to build such sexual, parental and material-economic relations between a man and a woman, which may turn out to be viable even when the biosocial program of love behavior that created these relations ends. … The family is like a principled statement: “We love each other, we are going to love each other for a lifetime! But even if love ends, we will still live together, take care of each other and raise our children!"

💡 Family is a life together not only in love, but also after love, for the sake of those who are born in this love, for the sake of hope for the resurrection of extinct love in the future. A family is a kind of analogue of a letter of guarantee or even a will: "If something happens to me or my feelings, certain obligations to my closest people will still be fulfilled."

💡 But, there is a certain nuance here. When the registrar at the registry office asks the bride and groom, and in response we hear "Yes!" people, in fact, are far from being adequate. Simply put, the bride and groom may not understand all the legal and other consequences of their step, and even more so, absolutely not think about the topic, “what will happen if?”. Because, firstly, they are in euphoria from love and sex, and secondly, they have not yet gone through all that awaits them in the future. Hence their desperate courage, for which their children then pay. Realizing that taking one of the most important steps in their lives, grooms and brides are often not always adequate.

💡 From the point of view of family psychology, a real “divorce” is a legal procedure for terminating a marriage relationship in a certain couple. Accordingly, all sorts of "partings", "traveling back to their parents", "discrepancies for a week or two to think about the fate of our family and whether I need all this", in fact, to a real divorce can be directly related, and may not have anything to do with it at all. They quarreled, and then they took it, and made it up. There was parting and going back and forth, but there was no divorce.

It may be differently: there is a divorce, but the separation and departure of the spouses did not happen. And they live together for many years not as husband and wife, but as man and woman. Moreover, children can be given birth, only now, legally out of wedlock. Although, of course, with fully formalized paternity and motherhood. Of course, such formally divorced couples can then, after all, part and part. Or maybe not. They can even get married again, formalize their relationship through the registry office. And even then, divorce again. Such couples, in the practice of the work of a family psychologist, are not at all uncommon.

The husband's departure with the subsequent return - sometimes, saving the family from that possible divorce, if the husband filed for divorce without leaving the family. If only because, as a result of these events, an intelligent wife can not only understand the causes of the family tension that has arisen, but also eliminate them forever. Your husband, who suddenly left the family, may clearly understand this, or may not understand.

Once upon a time, you decided to become husband and wife. That is, they expressed a firm desire to be together not a year or two, not ten years, but a whole life! The change in your civil status was recorded in the registry office, about which a special document was issued to you. But then, for some reason, your husband decided to stop being your husband. And in all this, there is one big problem: unlike your rebellious "half", you do not want to lose your marital status! The important thing is that you stubbornly do not want a divorce. Therefore, you refuse to sign the divorce petition and enter into a serious struggle. Divorce is a battle for life. It has long been known: no matter how much you prepare yourself for war, it will still happen unexpectedly. There will always be a shortage of ammunition and people, and dying is very scary. So it is with divorces: no matter how much a person thinks about the prospect of divorce, when a partner in family relations announces this, it always sounds unexpected, and the future is very scary.

Now imagine that we have a role-playing game "in a family psychologist." It’s as if you come to my appointment and declare something like: - My husband, whom I suspected of treason for a long time, told me yesterday that he was leaving me, and one of these days he will apply for divorce. We have been married for 6 years, we live in my husband's apartment, he earns three times more than me, our child is five years old. He needs a dad. Yes, and I do not want to lose my husband … What to do ??? - Six months ago, my husband went on vacation abroad alone, after that intimacy practically disappeared in our family, and he began to often go on business trips. A month ago, he began to tell me that we were tired of each other, we should live separately. To which I stubbornly disagreed. But yesterday, on his phone, I read an intimate correspondence with a lady. When I told my husband about this, he was furious. He said that I was climbing where I should not, and that I myself was guilty that our family would fall apart. He demanded that I would move out of his apartment somewhere, and in the meantime he would think whether it was time for us to get a divorce or not … We have been married for 12 years, we have two children. They love me … How to live on ??? After that, you tensely expect that either I will wave my magic wand and my husband will immediately write you an SMS with sorrowful repentance and a promise never to do this again, or I will start asking long and corrosive questions about your childhood and first teenage fantasies. Maybe I'll upset someone a lot, but it doesn't happen that way.

Only one out of ten conversations about divorce actually ends with an application with a request to dissolve the marriage in the registry office (if there are no children in the marriage) or in the magistrate's court (if there are children). - Only one out of five married couples who filed an application for divorce actually go through the divorce procedure, when they first go through this procedure. - Only a third of the spouses who have applied for a dissolution of their marriage live separately during this period of time. The rest, for some time, or even their whole life (!), Continue to live together. Often, even after a divorce. - Every third of those married couples that legally divorced their marriage, in the future tries again to somehow restore good human relations, very often - even intimate ones. Often, even though one of the partners has registered a marriage with a completely different person. - Every fifth of those married couples that have gone through a divorce in the future tries to come together, have another child, even re-register the marriage. - Almost all husbands and wives, being in the divorce proceedings, sincerely worry about the psyche of their children, feel their guilt for what happened.

You may ask me: “What does this mean ?! Does this mean that no family psychologists are needed? I will answer this way: “This means that according to the laws of physics and dialectics, attraction and repulsion always have their own balance: absolutely any action necessarily has some kind of opposition, there is a centripetal force on the centrifugal force, some other tendency is opposed to any tendency. … Accordingly, there was nothing light, linear and unambiguously expressed in the Universe, no, and never will be. Therefore, during any divorce, for whatever reason it is made, whatever factors separating the spouses act, some tendencies aimed at preserving this couple will certainly be included. I emphasize: definitely! And if a wife, who is vitally interested in preserving her marriage, at least in the slightest degree competently engages and uses the tendencies aimed at keeping the couple, her chances of success will noticeably increase. Themselves, these tendencies are expressed in the whole sum of objective and subjective factors. Here are the main ones:

💡 Objective reasons preventing divorce:

- The presence of joint children, especially small ones. The presence of children acquired in a past relationship, but have already managed to sincerely attach to a marriage partner.

- Lack, in the event of a divorce, one of the partners (or even both at once) of living space for living.

- Financial dependence of partners on each other, or on relatives or friends of the family "half".

- Career dependence of partners on each other, or on relatives or friends of the "half". - Serious health problems in one of the partners (or both at once), their children, or their close relatives. Including the physical inability to have children with some other partner.

- The presence of joint legal or financial obligations to third parties and organizations (debts, mortgages, participation in some public or private programs, business registration for one of the partners, or his (her) relatives, etc.).

- The presence of such a profession in which a divorce (especially a scandalous one) is extremely undesirable, can bring down all career prospects. (Officers, civil servants, politicians, public figures, etc.). Subjective reasons preventing divorce: - Love for children and responsibility for their future.

- Emotional love attachment to a partner, preserved from the beginning of the relationship, or already arising in the course of family life (this also happens). - Acute jealousy of a partner. Especially if he / she looks very good.

- Excellent intimate compatibility in a couple, the presence of a real fear that a similar partner will be difficult to find. Or innate modesty and conservatism, excluding the very idea that someone else is possible in bed.

- A habit to this person, developed due to a long time of living together, unwillingness to fundamentally change your life.

- Ordinary greed and envy: a fundamental reluctance for a partner, his connections, all his property "acquired by overwork" to get to someone outside. - A unique set of shared experiences: such a sum of some bright, interesting, tragic or comic events in life that most people around do not have. (In a pair, someone saved someone from something, people grew up and studied together, went through some severe trials, etc.). - Feelings of shame in front of your own parents and / or your partner's parents. Who either did so much for this couple, or immediately discouraged their child from experimenting on their own biography in this marriage.

- Feelings of shame in front of family friends or work colleagues (especially if both partners work in the same organization). - The partners have such common goals in life, which have always united them. (For example: plans to move to another city or another country, set up a common business, etc.). - The partners have such common interests in life that they have always united. (For example: doing something sports, hobbies). - Lack of confidence in yourself, your ability to create new, more successful love and family relationships (related to age, children, finances, etc.)

- Distrust of a new partner whose behavior seems problematic or suspicious. - Painful memories of past divorces or breakups.

- Sad memories of the divorce that his mom and dad went through during the childhood of this person.

- Rigid family values and attitudes towards preserving the family at any cost, formed in a person due to the specifics of family, national and religious education (most often - immediately in a complex).

And much more, both objective and subjective! As you can see, there are a lot of factors on the side of wives who want to save their family in the face of the threat of divorce! They have many opportunities for direct or indirect manipulation by their husband who has got out of hand.

But, this is where the big problem lies. A lot of wives who are sincerely fighting for their families not only do not know and do not understand what kind of family preservation methods can be used (and which ones are categorically impossible, such as the threat to take away children), but also in the heat of the moment, further activate the mechanisms of destruction of their marriage … In fact, they cut their own family bitches under them. This is where the usefulness of a competent family psychologist lies.

With all the suddenness of your notification of the impending divorce, or the departure of your husband from home to his mistress, you absolutely cannot panic!In addition, divorce is not for nothing legally competently defined as "divorce proceedings." Pro-ts-ss … You feel how slowly this word sounds … The fact is that most of the applications for divorce are submitted to the magistrate's court. I emphasize: world! It is not called that for nothing. Many judges, in practice, deliberately procrastinate, strive for two or three months, or even six months, to pass from the filing of an application to a real divorce, so that the conflicting spouses have the opportunity to think three more times: are they so ready to jump into the Unknown after the termination their marriage by the decision of a judge, as it seemed to them earlier?

You and I clearly understand that divorce lasts from one to several months, during which several significant objective and subjective factors and circumstances can help a wife who is interested in preserving the family. Hence it is obvious:

💡 the strategy of preserving the family in the event of a threat of divorce, if it is formulated as follows: in the event of a threat of divorce, the spouse will keep his family that can use the maximum number of levers of influence on his leaving half within the shortest possible time interval.

So when eliminating the real threat of divorce, you should not at all involve all the objective and subjective reasons that prevent divorce at once. Most likely, one part of them, like aces in a card game, will be successfully repulsed, and against others, they will use their trump cards in advance … And that's it! Game, as they say, over. Therefore, as in the cards, there is no need to rush to save the family. Remember: When there is a threat of divorce, hurry - to make the ill-wishers of your family laugh! All your wealth of family trump cards should be used gradually, logically and interconnected, doing exactly the same as you do in cards, calculating the game and the behavior of other players several moves ahead.

Why, with the threat of divorce, everything is so complicated, why is it impossible and wrong to go into a frontal attack, pouring out tons of love and tenderness on the outgoing partner in family relations, or decibels of indignant cries and liters of compote? Let me explain to you. The thing is that a family divorce, contrary to the opinion established in society, is not a family matter at all. More precisely, the family is only partly, formally. And for sure, a divorce cannot be called as it is often done in women's glossy magazines: "a matter of two." Keep in mind: Deciding on a divorce, like the procedure for going through a divorce itself, is always a collective matter! Judge for yourself. What does divorce look like in reality? Let's say a man is unhappy with his wife. Her, as he believes, lack of independence in life, non-sexuality, excess weight, laziness in everyday life and untidiness. She, in turn, is unhappy with her husband: his regular Friday parties with friends, sluggishness in solving family household affairs, the little time he spends with his family and child. The wife has been complaining about her husband to her parents, other relatives, and girlfriends for years. Under the influence of her complaints, they tell her: "And we immediately warned you that you and him have no chance of a happy future!" Thus, a certain general opinion is formed on the one hand. However, the wife, being in poor physical shape, having a child and living in her husband's apartment, even agreeing with the general opinion that her marriage is a strategic mistake, still has to strive to preserve this family. Meanwhile, the husband is actively communicating at work with female colleagues, once, strikes up a love relationship with one of them. A fresh body, varied intimacy, combined with mental comfort (after all, a couple where people work in the same team always have something to talk about) quickly drive a man crazy, he simply falls in love. The girl turns out to be very smart, so she diligently feeds the man with delicious lunches and dinners, and perfect order and cleanliness always reign in her rented apartment. She conducts educational work with her parents and friends so that they do not frighten off the man with some harsh word, communicate with him as friendly as possible. Her mom and dad, her girlfriends and their husbands friends, welcome the potential groom with open arms. Having begun to communicate with them, the husband experiences an extraordinary pleasure: everyone respects him, takes into account his wishes, and does not demand anything! (Of course, for the time being, for the time being!). After several staged conversations "about the prospect of our relationship", melting from the girl's charm, the man decides to leave the family. He declares to his wife that he wants to file for divorce, that he should live separately for some time, and immediately moves to the girl of his dreams. This is how the intrigue begins around the possibility of divorce.

Thus, we see that, on the one hand, we have a smart girl, relatives and friends who purposefully help her. On the other hand, a furious wife, slightly crazy from household chores and unexpectedly fallen into trouble. Relatives and friends of which, indignantly and joyfully shout: “Atu this creep! Drive him out of the apartment! Do not allow to communicate with the child! Take away his apartment, set alimony and that's it! Sometimes, of course, they thaw out and trade anger for mercy. They say: “It doesn't happen to anyone! Men are all such males!

Probably, you can forgive …”. However, their position is inconsistent and uncertain. The woman herself, it seems, does not want to lose her husband, but she cannot tell those around her openly, as she is afraid of their misunderstanding and condemnation "for excessive softness and spinelessness." At the same time, the husband's parents are tensely silent. On the one hand, they would like to keep their son's family together. However, they understand that an adult son is unlikely to take their opinion into account. Plus, the son had already managed to form a bad attitude towards his wife, and the new passion presented to him made a pleasant impression on them. Therefore, in this ambiguous situation, not wanting to quarrel either with their son, or with the legal and actual owner of their only grandson - the current wife, or with his potential new wife, who in the future may give birth to more grandchildren, the husband's parents accept neutrality, refrain from any assessments and actions. The only thing is they ask their son to think seven times before making the final decision. In this situation, the husband's friends, if the mistress has already been introduced to them for a long time, has firmly entered their campaign, managed to rebuild the right relationship with everyone, they may be on the side of the applicant, and not the wife. Including, tell him: “Yes, okay you, do not worry that you have a child with your wife! You have only one there! And with a new wife (especially a young one) you can have two or three more! " Or, just like the parents, they will take a wait and see attitude. Which, in this case, is tantamount to the fact that they contribute to the destruction of the family …

As a result, having around the general uncertainty, and often - and outright hostility, the wife simply does not understand how she should behave. Hence, her mood changes more than a dozen times during the day. When meeting with her husband, she then flies to him, trying to beg for sex, then angrily denounces his shameful behavior and throws his things from the balcony. Although he has already left home, but still not fully determined, the husband also cannot understand her position in life.

Hence, he gradually forms the opinion that his wife is an extremely unpredictable and crazy creature who only cries, swears and fights, from whom one should stay away. So, as a result of the inconsistent and ill-considered actions of the wife, on the one hand, and the correct, mathematically verified actions on the part of the husband's mistress, her friends and parents, the scale of the fugitive husband, for quite understandable and weighty reasons, gradually tends to admit that having stated about the need for a divorce, he did not get excited at all, he acted absolutely right. Now, the main thing is to bring your plan to the end and start a new happy life in the apartment of your beloved woman.

This, or something like this, looks like a real divorce. The question is, where is the notorious "decision of two" here ?! In practice, we see that when a husband leaves the family, the main decisions (and even the absence of decisions is also a decision) may be prepared, or even made by his mistress, parents or friends. That is, people are formally outsiders for the family! Hence, when your husband suddenly announces that he is leaving the family, it always means that, although still invisible, but very impressive forces have entered the battle. Ruthless, endowed with collective intelligence, life experience, motivated to go to the bitter end. You, in these conditions, most often, fight alone. And if you start to act ill-considered and chaotic, then it will have the same consequences if you were seated in a tank and thrown into battle without prior preparation. The machine seems to be powerful, only you really don't know how to use its levers! While you are trying to pull all the levers, any infantryman with a grenade who sneaks up to you will already deceive you. And another tank, equivalent to you, will no longer leave a trace of you.

💡 This is how many families are destroyed: In some cases, the wife underestimated the importance of her husband's claims to her, in others, she underestimated the abilities of his mistress and her entourage, and in the third, she overestimated herself. And at this time, the mistress has already become pregnant … From here, finding myself in a pre-divorce situation, I recommend immediately doing the following:

💡 Five conditions necessary to preserve the family in the face of the threat of divorce:

Condition 1. In the shortest possible time, a decision should be made about whether you really need your unfaithful or departed husband, whether you are ready to fight for him until victory, whether you are ready to go to great lengths for this. And having decided this, firmly stand your ground, no longer changing the decision, and go for a divorce.

Condition 2. You must assume that you do not know your husband well. Because, at the moment of making decisions to leave the family (that is, specifically from you), your spouse is psychologically reborn, instead of His own it becomes Another, or even in general - Alien. Now your husband is not the same as he was just a few days ago. Accordingly, the logic of his behavior is now different, different from the one that was clear to you all these years of joint family life. More often than not, it is not entirely adequate, if not in general - inadequate. Especially if the person is in love with someone else. Let me remind you that love is one of the varieties of neurosis, and it is also a form of drug addiction, endorphin addiction. It is very problematic to demand from a person in a given state of adequacy. Therefore, in order to understand it, it is not always correct to proceed from rationalism. It is right to give him something, and take something away. Then he will somehow be forced to comprehend what is happening, to turn on his rationality.

Condition 3. It is important a priori and immediately take for granted that those people who henceforth influence your escaped, escaping, or striving to escape family "half" are not fools at all. Here they are, unlike your slightly deranged husband, they clearly understand what exactly they want, how and when. Accordingly, in order to effectively resist their interference in your sovereign family affairs, you should be adequate squared. Including - very critical of herself. Especially to your family behavior.

Condition 4. It is important to have a clear plan. That is, all your actions to return the escaped, escaping, or striving to escape family "half" should be carefully thought out.

Condition 5. Do not commit stupid things both in the process of reconciliation of the family that has already begun, and after the restoration of family life.

Remark. I really want you to understand: Divorce is not fatal! Fatality is stupidity, laziness, panic, haste and selfishness. Therefore, the entire subsequent book is devoted to the fight against these five main enemies of female family happiness. If you defeat them in yourself, you will overcome any threat of divorce.