How To Survive A Divorce?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"How to survive a divorce?" - the problem is acute and very painful. This has already happened, and we will not argue who is right and who is wrong. When going through a divorce, you should think not about how we lived, but about how we will live in the future and now.

As a rule, the news of a divorce is "a bolt from the blue." Most often, it all starts with discovering the fact of treason. On the one hand, cheating is very common, and some of us have encountered this phenomenon more than once in our lives; on the other hand, every time you experience the strongest mental pain, there is a feeling as if the world is falling apart into small parts and there is no longer any way to glue and fix anything. In a state of such strong mental confusion and mental pain, a person can begin to perform various actions, take revenge, try to sort things out, understand the situation. And this is more than natural: we all want to get rid of pain as quickly as possible by making a quick decision about how to live on. And more often than not, this decision is to break up the relationship.

Tell me why men cheat?

There are various reasons for cheating. Let's try to list some of them.

1. Treason as a signal of extinct love

Of course, in this case, you need to clarify your relationship with your partner and have the courage to calmly get out of this relationship. In the end, your partner probably just didn't have the heart to tell you the truth, but you can only blame him for that, and not for his lack of love.

2. Cheating as a signal of a relationship problem

A relationship problem doesn't mean love is gone. Rather, on the contrary, such a betrayal suggests that the partner wants to solve the problem in such an unpretentious way and return love. For example, if a husband feels that his wife is estranged from him, he may be suddenly attracted to another woman. But the basis of this attraction is not love, but a compensatory attempt to cope with your feelings of frustration. That is, instead of making claims to his wife, a person unconsciously corrects the situation by cheating. Therefore, psychologists very often say that cheating can sometimes be a stabilizer of a relationship. Often people who have gone through betrayal later recall this as a good lesson that taught them to treat their partner more attentively, with greater understanding, sympathy, taught them to be more tolerant, generous, and helpful.

3. Cheating as a signal that a person has some internal problems

Also a fairly common reason in the structure of the psychology of treason. There can be a great variety of these problems. For example, a person's unpreparedness for a serious relationship. Very often, as soon as such a person feels that the relationship with a partner is moving to a fundamentally different level, inner fear pushes him to betrayal. The person himself suffers greatly. After all, some part of him wants a serious relationship (otherwise he would remain at the level of superficial relations all the time), and some is very afraid and pushes the person out of the depths.

Another internal problem can be self-doubt. Very often, with the help of a large number of sexual relationships, a person increases his self-esteem, proves to himself and the whole world that he is a superman or superwoman, that he is the winner and master of souls and bodies. But since self-doubt is a very deep inner problem that cannot be solved in such a home-grown way, a person is still left with his own insecurity and dissatisfaction.

Another problem identified by psychologists dealing with the psychology of adultery is various kinds of stereotypes, following which is also, of course, self-doubt. For example, there is a widespread stereotype that a real man must necessarily have not only a wife, but also a mistress. Or, for example, it is often said that loyalty to one partner causes a certain dependence on him, and therefore a person comes up with ways to avoid it.

There are other reasons, but in any case, not in all these situations it would be wise to react with a complete break. After all, if a person in the event of betrayal is driven by his internal problems, then, with the correct and qualified resolution of these problems (for example, with the help of a psychologist who deals with issues of betrayal), it would be possible not only to return the old relationship, but also to make these relationships deeper and sincere, not overshadowed by any psychological difficulties.

Of course, if they are expensive. Maybe a loving partner, faced with the fact of betrayal, instead of suffering from negative emotions, resentment and self-pity, should try to look at the situation differently? See, for example, that in this situation two people suffer. Seeing that life is more difficult than we often imagine, i.e. to realize that there is always some reason behind the effect that we may not know or which we misinterpret. Remember that cheating is just a signal, but if you understand it correctly, then you can not only not destroy, but also renew and improve relations. Cheating can be both the end and the beginning, and it is up to us to decide how this ends.

We lived with my husband for 20 years, have two children, his work is connected with frequent business trips. Always in order at home and there were almost no scandals, he recently announced that he was going to leave. Why did he decide to leave?

Why did he leave?

- a question that haunts women. And often the version of a woman who found herself in the position of "abandoned", the options for her answers are often - "he lost his mind" before "some kind of thrashed him," is he really all this serious?

Why? Of course, the real reason is "why did he leave?" the woman doesn't know. And where did it come from? A man will not tell the truth, and if he tries, she is unlikely to hear him. Indeed, in this answer, a man will rely on his own feelings, but it is simply not enough to understand them, you need to feel them. And how you will feel them, if you are a woman, his psychology is not the same, and his feelings are different.

In addition, men do not know how to express their feelings. A man simply does not believe that his wife wants to hear him and understand what he feels and what is important to him. Over the years of living together, each of the spouses has a certain idea of the partner. And if in this image there is no such trait as understanding, then it is difficult to count on frankness. Otherwise, it hardly came to a divorce. And here the point is not about who is right and who is not, but the point is that he feels that way, and nothing can be done about it. Often, it turns out: fell out of love - fell in love. And he fell out of love, probably ahead of time, and left only at that moment. When there was one that you can go to. And the essence of male psychology is as follows.

In order to experience sexual arousal, a man needs some kind of novelty. The "habitual sexual object" gradually becomes habitual rather than sexual in the sense of attraction. A man does not necessarily get divorced, he can remain married and accept that his sex life is less lively than he would like. But there must be some other incentives that keep him in marriage - attention, understanding, support, care, respect, admiration, and so on. So the reason is often that normal, human relations in a couple did not work out. There has not been something for which people are truly ready to be together.

A man in marriage may indeed have a decrease in the strength of his sexual desire. In general, this is a fairly natural process that always takes place, and this must always be borne in mind.

But, unfortunately, men are not used to discussing this with their wives (whereas without discussion, the problem cannot be solved in principle). On the other hand, women perceive such a situation as an insult: “How so? Don't you love me? " Of course, the conversation doesn't work. And as a result, the man goes "to the left", and the woman then suffers from a guilt complex - they say, she did not take care of herself, she wore a dressing gown. Although, in fact, the problem in this situation is not that the woman did not take care of herself. A man reacts not to a woman's “grooming”, but to sexual stimuli.

My husband and I parted. I was left alone with the children, and he went to another. A month has passed, but it’s not getting easier for me. I cry all the time, I can't forget him. I have lost my sleep and appetite, I can’t do anything, children and work do not help. What should I do, how to survive a divorce?

How divorce is handled

Very often, the pain of divorce is harder for the one who did not want a divorce, who tried to rectify the family situation. In everyday language, the one who was "abandoned". The first reaction is shock. The world seems to dissolve in a fog, the person does not want to contact the reality in which his family no longer exists. He denies, does not recognize the fact that they left him. A person thinks that his beloved or beloved will come to his senses now and say that it was a rash act, that he must still try to straighten out the relationship and stay together. The abandoned person lives in the past and does not recognize the fact of loss.

Often people in this state become very intrusive, constantly call their spouse who has left them or follow him, still perceiving him as something of their own, thereby further alienating him from themselves.

Therefore, even if a person hopes for a miracle and wants to return everything as it was, then paradoxically for this it is necessary to admit the fact of loss, to agree that you were abandoned, that you continue to live alone, that there is no return to the past. And even if someday this person returns to you, it will be a new relationship. Agreeing with this means agreeing to the fact that life goes on, and at the same time means agreeing to the abyss of pain, anger, despair, hopelessness, melancholy, guilt - almost all negative feelings that arise immediately. It hurts alone, hurts with people, and it hurts especially when forced to see a departed spouse

This is one of the reasons why fathers temporarily or permanently stop communicating with children left behind with their mothers.

Anger arises as a reaction to an obstacle to achieving the desired. When a person admits that the family has died, there is a strong anger at the culprit of this - the departed spouse. The abandoned spouse partly feels raped - in the sense that they did something against his will that he did not want, and made him go through such terrible pain. Therefore, the degree of aggression can reach the desire to kill or maim an already ex-husband or wife for refusing to live together.

When one realizes that anger is a bad counselor, that manifestations of anger can lead to irreparable mistakes, a reaction of acute grief, melancholy, despair, and hopelessness arises. Here a person coexists in two worlds - in the past, with his spouse, and in the present, alone. Here, in the abyss of despair, a person himself lets go of his spouse, leaves him only as a memory, in which they are still together, in order to continue living a separate life, to go their own way.

So, after going through the grief of suffering, and only in this way, we will be able to regain our wholeness, we will learn to live in the present and enjoy life again, forever leaving in our memory those times when “we”, or it would be more correct to say “they,” were together. Finding oneself again, fullness of life, the ability to live in the present and enjoy life is impossible without "creating memory" about the departed spouse and a destroyed family, without experiencing grief. Exactly to survive, and not to jump over or to make sure that you close your eyes and open them - it no longer hurts. Surviving grief is the main task.

Divorce includes a legal, physical, economic and emotional component

Divorce is the termination of interactions at all these levels.

Legally, this means an official divorce.

Physically - not living under one roof (and not spending time visiting each other).

Economically - to resolve all economic and material disputes with each other.

Emotionally - to completely free yourself from the experiences associated with the ex-spouse.

Ideally, of all feelings, only sadness should remain, sadness in the Pushkin sense: "my sorrow is bright." This is the memory of the good that was, and the knowledge acquired by bitter experience about what my actions can destroy the family. If you need to continue to communicate with your ex-spouse (for example, about raising joint children), then the relationship should be even, calm, benevolent and respectful. This can be called equal cooperation.

Another variant of "underdivision" is endless litigation and division of property (and in the worst case, children). Former spouses hate each other, but hatred means emotional closeness, albeit with a negative sign.

Any unresolved (consciously or involuntarily) issue in the economic, legal or physical field leads us to emotional closeness, i.e. to the lack of freedom for changes in life and for the creation of a new family. We "stop" our lives at the point of divorce. Therefore, if we get divorced, then - completely, to the end.

I don’t know how to tell my children that we are getting a divorce. I’m afraid and don’t know how the children will react to this event, because they love dad very much

How do children perceive the situation of their parents' divorce?

The most important task of a divorcing couple is to exclude children from this story. We have no right to interfere with our children in our problems. Divorce in any case, no matter how hard we try, will be a trauma for them. But the less role they play in what is happening, the less they participate in it, the less they see, the less painful the trauma will be. If it was not possible to save the family, children can neither be a tool for returning a husband, nor a way to find out through them the relationship with him. Blackmailing a child, using him as a "peacemaker, carrier pigeon" is not correct. No matter how the parents are guilty in relation to each other, they always remain parents for the child, and he needs a normal, harmonious relationship with both. The situation goes more or less smoothly when the child is still at a very young and unconscious age. Although even at this age, the child perfectly feels the state of the mother, the tension of the father, and this, of course, does not add to him either vitality, or faith in the future, or optimism. But if the children are over 10-12 years old, the problem often becomes very serious. Often children stand up for the "weak", take the side of the "offended side" and, to the best of their strength and childhood experience, try to restore justice. And to restore justice for the child is to take revenge. And they will not have to take revenge on anyone, but on their own father. Then a latent or explicit conflict develops, which will manifest itself in how children will build their families and their lives in general. Girls lose their sense of confidence, relationships with men begin to seem dangerous and scary to them later. A prejudice may form that men cannot be trusted, while such an attitude, paradoxical as it may seem, provokes men into appropriate behavior.

Boys often perceive their father's departure as a signal to compete for their mother. It often happens that a son begins to oppose himself to his father, trying to demonstrate "adult behavior" - aggressive, offensive. However, relationships with peers often do not go well - it seems to the boy that he has become older, and he behaves more conflicted.

Another dire consequence of divorce can be two-faced, manipulative behavior. The child understands that both mother and father need him, and since they are in conflict, he begins to play on these feelings, trying to get what he wants from one or the other. Parents, without realizing it, begin to "bribe" their children and their location. And where commerce begins, human qualities - honesty, responsibility - children are often denied.

A parental relationship is a parental relationship. Two adults are in a difficult situation, and their task is to solve this problem with the least damage to all parties. And the child, no matter what happens, should have good, deep, trusting relationships with both mom and dad. Let's preserve our future relations with them, because when they grow up, everyone will understand. But in their own way, they will have their own point of view on parental divorce. And it is important that as adults, the child does not think that he was used, manipulated, but understands that the parents did everything possible to protect him.

And so that children do not have such negative "children's decisions", you just need to talk to them.

Be sure to tell your children that you love them.

And do not blame each other: both people, husband and wife, are always responsible for a relationship.