2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Yesterday I witnessed a scene that made a strong impression on me. It would seem nothing special, but this familiarity of the situation was its tragedy.
The young woman, seeing how her little daughter scooped up a handful of dry earth, shouted at her in a voice that was not her own: “Don't you dare touch the dirt! Get sick and die! If you disobey your mother, you will turn into a toad, and no one will love you!"
It is clear that a child simply by definition cannot always obey his mother, otherwise he will cease to be a child. This means that the girl has two ways: either to kill a child in herself - alive and spontaneous, or to constantly feel bad and anxiously gaze in the mirror - whether the features of a toad appear in the reflection.
And everything, even remotely resembling dirt, will seem to the girl deadly. This means that you can protect yourself only by striving for perfect purity. You need to live in constant tension. Who knows if the girl might want to continually wash her hands to protect herself from imminent death, or perform other protective rituals to ease her anxiety a little?
I saw how the girl raised her eyes full of horror at her mother and burst into tears, exhaustedly sinking to the very dirty ground, which she was strictly forbidden to touch. Mom in two jumps overcame the distance to the girl and shouted at her: “You are my grief! I don't need you like that! I'll give you to my uncle now! At that moment, the girl stopped crying and froze. Such fear was written on her face that I gasped with pity.
That is, the girl hears that her existence is a grief for her mother, she does not need her, so her mother wants to GIVE her away. It is difficult to think of something more destructive for the psyche of a child.
Working with the method of emotional-imagery therapy, I often see that the primary source of anxiety, fears and hyper-control of even strong adult men is a babayka, a policeman's uncle and an orphanage, which they used to frighten in childhood. And also the attitude "the world is very dangerous", which the parents transmitted to the child with their words and actions, trying to protect them from all the dangers that existed in their picture of reality.
I understood that my mother loves her daughter and values her very much. She just doesn't know how to do it differently - probably, she herself was brought up in the same way. Her anxiety and over-control comes from her childhood, from the involuntary mistakes of her parents.
It's a shame, painful, unfair … But this circle can be opened. Solving your psychological problems is worth not only in order to become happier yourself, but also in order not to involuntarily cause serious harm to your children. Psychological trauma in parent-child relationships is inevitable - it is impossible to raise a child without making a single mistake. It is important that these mistakes do not become fatal for the child's psyche and do not prevent him from living and realizing his potential.
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