SELFISM Or LOVE FOR YOURSELF?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

During consultations, the topic of dislike, disrespect, self-distrust, up to the complete disregard of their needs among many clients, constantly pops up

Accordingly, the task arises of learning to love oneself, trust oneself, be in contact with oneself, understand one's needs and take care of oneself.

And then the client begins to resist and says that he does not want to be selfish, to be selfish is bad, not acceptable. A person does not see the difference between selfishness and healthy self-esteem and the need to take care of oneself.

Now I would like to talk about a special type of clients who must make this world a better place, make their own contribution to world harmony, completely "forgetting" themselves

This is, usually very socially desirable people in society, whom everyone loves, who are used to living for others and do not know how to say no.

This people they are very convenient, they help everyone, they have time and opportunity for everyone. Now this behavior is called the "rescuer complex".

It is very pleasant to be friends with such a person, he will always respond when you need help. He is ready, to the detriment of himself, his needs, and often the needs of his family, to rush into the night to save a friend. He will take off his "last shirt" in order to warm his neighbor.

Most people enjoy using the fruits of such communication, and are always ready to "gain a foothold on the neck of their neighbor" as much as possible, in order to always have an ideal tool for solving their problems at hand.

That's right, "who's lucky and they go", but what is it like for these very "workhorses"?

Who cares?

The consumer society consumes everything it can reach. And such wonderful "rescuers" are used quickly and smacking their lips, all resources are quickly sucked out of them, and now at 45, or even earlier, everyone laments over his grave: "What a wonderful man, he never refused to help anyone, and whom did he leave us …"

The epitaph on the monument is likely to be enthusiastic, such as: "He gave all of himself to people !!!" Maybe this is partly what warms these very "rescuers", but are they surely happy to use their whole life to formulate the posthumous epitaph?

Looks like no

Making someone else's life the meaning of your life is a little strange.

Sometimes the instinct of self-preservation works and then the “rescuer comes” for a consultation with the words: “Actually, I'm fine, I have a wonderful job, a good family, everyone loves me, I have a lot of friends, it’s probably stupid to come with such a problem, but what “Recently, some kind of fatigue has accumulated, apathy, I do not want anything and nothing pleases”.

And how to rejoice? If nothing is for yourself, but everything is for others. And everything is not enough for them, and now the circle of acquaintances has become so huge (who would refuse a free feeding trough?) That our poor "rescuer" cannot cope with the flow of those thirsty for his blood. There must be some kind of crisis for the person to finally pay attention to himself. If the crisis does not happen, he runs in his "team" until it collapses.

And what in return? Gratitude, sincere admiration for his personal qualities, assurance of eternal friendship and devotion. And at first, a person is happy and bathes in the love of those around him and is sure that he has many loyal friends, he is not alone in the world. He has created a protective circle for himself and can always count on the support of his team.

And then one time I asked for help, and it turned out that people had their own affairs and they, well, just now would not be able to help. Another time I turned, and it turned out that in fact they have families, and they are doing homework with the child and are not ready to rush to help. He applied for the third time, and his number was blocked on the phone. And now he is already completely discouraged, sitting alone with his problems, and realizes that no one wants to help him.

And he abandoned his family, his duties, put forward his plans to help them, how could it be? It is often at this stage that the “rescuers” turn to the therapist. Sometimes, because the wives (husbands) cannot stand that he is for everyone except the family, and serious problems begin. Sometimes realizing that they are already exhausted and exhausted.

They sincerely do not understand how it could have happened that they spent their whole lives helping others, and when they needed help, no one wanted to help. They were taught from childhood: "Treat people the way you want them to treat you …" The world is crumbling, the earth is slipping from under their feet, and it is not clear why and what to do about it

And even after starting therapy, such clients resist to the last the need to “take off the saddle”, because it has become so familiar over the years. And then, if I "take off the saddle", it will be uncomfortable for people to sit on my neck. This is, of course, a metaphor, but what is really happening?

At the consultation, it turns out that they completely ignore their needs, up to the natural and necessary ones, such as having a snack or going to the toilet. It is impossible to waste not a minute, otherwise Armageddon will happen, and evil will triumph

And they really consider any satisfaction of their needs to be selfish. Such a wonderful substitution of concepts, of course, comes from childhood, like the one that love needs to be "earned, earned", you will not serve people, they will not love you.

These people do not understand that it is possible to be a philanthropist not to the detriment of oneself and a rescuer, not forgetting about their needs. They believe that all their time and energy should belong to those around them. And only in this case can they be proud of themselves.

Probably, there is no need to repeat and describe what kind of upbringing forms such individuals, and so everyone knows. The love and respect of parents was given out in a strictly metered manner and only as a reward for good deeds.

Man has learned that love can only be earned and all his life, bit by bit, collects a surrogate for love for your good deeds. Why a surrogate, you ask. But because a surrogate … He is needed while he helps, and then "the Moor has done his job, the Moor can leave."

Real relationships are not bought or earned; they are built on mutual respect. And around such people, as a rule, a circle of parasites is formed that live off their donor.

In a normal and healthy relationship, an adult does not often need help from a friend, and as a rule, it is mutual. BUT to a person with a passion to help - infantile people who want to shift their problems onto others' shoulders are attracted.

When I talk to the "rescuers", most often it turns out that They cannot share their problems with any of the people of their circle, and none of them has ever provided him with real help. At the same time, they are very afraid of losing this circle if they allow themselves to refuse help.

And, as a rule, this happens, as soon as they start to refuse, these the parasites fall off and go in search of a new victim. Only then there is a chance to meet a real friend and build a close trusting relationship with him.

It is necessary that the desire to give be balanced with the desire to take. And in order for these people to learn to take, they just need to get to know themselves and their needs. And allow yourself to “be”, simply because they were born into the world, and not every minute to confirm their right to exist.

This is where the war begins with the psychotherapist to defend his status as a "gratuitous helper." The topic of selfishness is discussed many times, a person demands proof of the distinguishing features of self-love, bombards the therapist with trick questions, argues in favor of his opinion.

And very - very gradually, testing in practice all the conclusions from therapy, finally begins to believe that selfishness and self-love are not synonyms. These are very difficult clients, they stick to their settings to the last, and this is not surprising.

There is a global fear of being left without love and respect from the environment at all. They repeatedly check what the "new life" is offering them to replace the one they have built. Some still return to the usual "team running"

So what is the difference between self-love and selfishness?

Ozhegov describes selfishness as selfishness, preference for their personal interests to the interests of other people, public interests, neglect of them. An egoist is a callous person.

It looks like it, but not quite. Nobody calls to ignore the interests of other people, to neglect others, to become callous. The point is that if other people deserve respect for their interests, why not consider your own?

In a dispute, extremes are always cited as arguments, this is the natural content of the dispute.

Finding a middle ground is the challenge

If you imagine a situation that your child is sick and needs help, and you leave him for the sake of a friend who gets drunk and gets into trouble, then this is a rejection of his interests and the interests of his family.

Or you are going with a fever to help your friend glue the wallpaper - this is also a rejection of yourself. This is not the most important thing in life.

But if your friend's house burned down and you sheltered him, despite the inconvenience, this is not exactly the same situation. Yes, if a friend behaves like a vandal in your house is also a problem and self-rape if you endure it. But if you discuss the rules of residence, then this is no longer a renunciation of your interests in the full sense.

So it turns out that it is important for "rescuers" to learn to prioritize and take into account the nuances, and not fly headlong to help at the first call, and of course, learn to refuse and negotiate.

In each case, reality testing is necessary. How much help is needed, is the person really unable to cope? Can I provide this help now without harm to myself and my health?

Even people in helping professions assess the degree of risk, are armed with safety equipment and take care of preserving their health and life. Why not take care of yourself, even if the purpose of life is to make others happy. Where is selfishness here? This is a healthy sense of self-preservation.

Thus, anything that does not infringe on the interests and needs of others cannot be considered selfishness

But once the parents called selfishness any desire of the child that did not correspond to their views on the rational use of time, and a misunderstanding of it was formed. It's time to find the right meaning and allow yourself to abandon what was once suggested.