2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57
"Children who are not loved become adults who cannot love."
Very true statement!
On Children's Day, I devote my article to the topic of relationships with our inner child.
Many often complain about their parents that they did not love or appreciate. Can we ourselves boast of impeccable love for our children?
Each parent understands love for a child in his own way and expresses this love through the prism of his own experience: someone through overprotection, someone through purchases, someone through punishment. Not everyone can take a sober look at themselves and refuse to broadcast the familiar model, taken from their family, in upbringing. Sometimes it takes many hours of psychotherapy and the application of personal volitional efforts to restructure perception and behavior.
And it also happens that a child grew up in a prosperous loving family, but from the experience of relationships with parents he made his subjective conclusions that he was not loved. Let me give you an example from practice.
The son asks the mother to quit her business and immediately start playing with him. Mom tries to define her boundaries and tells her son that she needs to finish the work first. The son takes offense and shouts to his mother: "You don't love me!" He resorts to such manipulation every time his mother does not rush to immediately satisfy his need.
And here you need to properly build relationships. If the mother just says, "Leave me alone, not up to you now," then the child will most likely form an idea that the mother does not love him. If the mother patiently explains to the child why she cannot play with him right now, hugs him, asks him to wait, then it is quite possible that his perception will be formed differently.
The "rescripting" technique in psychotherapy helps the client get a new experience of interacting with his parents through immersion in childhood traumatic experience and its rethinking, processing.
The mistake of many people is in the belief that only the environment can satisfy their childish need for love, shifting responsibility for their frustration and life failures onto it, harboring many illusions and expectations.
Do you yourself love your inner child?
With my clients, I often do a technique that consists in a dialogue with my inner child. Let me give you an example from practice.
In front of me sits a young man, let's call him Dmitry, who devoted his whole life to caring for others, without meeting any gratitude. He is very offended by his inner circle: "After all, I was with them when they needed help, and when I needed it, everyone turned away from me."
I immerse the man in his childhood: Dmitry recalls and tells the event, how his father beats his mother, he rises to her defense and the father's aggression falls on him, he wants to get support from his mother, but comes across her depreciating phrase: “Who asked you to intervene? Dejected, he goes to his room and cries there alone.
I ask Dmitry to imagine that he enters the room and sees this crying, lonely boy - himself at the age of seven, he named him Mitya.
Me: - What does little Mitya feel now? D.: - He feels ashamed that his act was uninvited, and guilt that his behavior could affect the relationship between father and mother.
Me: - He thinks about the needs of his parents first of all, what they will think, how they will live further … There is no place for little Mitya in these thoughts. And what does Mitya himself want? D.: - He wants his mother to come into his room, hug him, because the two of them are safer and feel better. Me: - What would you say to little Mitya, who is crying alone in the room? Address him on behalf of an adult. D.: - I want you to know, Mityai - you are not guilty of anything, the child should not be responsible for the quarrels of his relatives. You acted very courageously trying to stand up for your mother. This suggests that you are brave and can come to the rescue if a loved one needs you. You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. Personally, I'm proud of you. I love you very much. Take care of yourself, son. Help if you feel the strength and desire to help, but do not forget about yourself. You are my dear, beloved man!
The man is crying because no one had ever spoken to him the words he needed so badly.
How often do we ourselves treat our inner child from the position of a criticizing, exploiting, devaluing, punishing adult!
With this approach, we deny ourselves and even hate, our lonely inner child continues to remain in an atmosphere of neglect, he is rejected, abandoned and unloved, waiting for help from outside, which is not there. Resentment and resentment make him fenced off from others, and expectations - make himself dependent on the approval of loved ones.
Self-love helps to find harmony with the world.
The biblical covenant says: "Love your neighbor as yourself." That is, without knowing the love of ourselves, we will not be able to truly love others, because our projection will mirror their rejection to us.
Therefore, it is very important to nurture a loving, supportive adult within yourself who hears and understands your inner child
Maybe the phrase "God lives in my heart" is just about that?
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