How Early Childhood Still Affects Personal Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Normality test

- There are no healthy ones, there are under-examined ones! - psychiatrists joke. Psychologists-humanists, correct, they say, this is impossible, this is inhumane. And they say that all people are healthy, there are simply unprocessed ones. Oh yes, the maniacs are not particularly well developed, only few people want to work with them. However, jokes, jokes, but seriously about who is considered normal and who is not, experts have been arguing for a long time. At the Faculty of Psychology, we even had such a ticket on the subject of clinical psychology - "The problem of the concepts of" norm "and" pathology ". After all, there are a lot of psychological theories and points of view on the concept of a norm, but in some ways they all coincide. Here are the signs of a "practically healthy personality" common to all "rulers". This is the term adopted by psychologists and psychiatrists to denote the norm. You can start ticking the boxes. So, a person, within the boundaries of the norm, has the following qualities:

- Self-love

- Recognition of your own value

- Ability to make contact and communication with unknown people quite easily

- Confidence in the future

- Optimism

- Enjoyment of life

- Flexibility

- The presence of alternatives in actions

Have you noticed at least six signs? Fine then. Go ahead.

What is "attachment"

Affection is formed in several stages up to 3 years. These are the most important years. All the rest are just the result of what happened to you then.

I Up to 6 weeks.

A child's attachment is not directed or focused on anyone in particular. He is socially blind. Does not distinguish between grandmothers or grandfathers, neither father nor mother. Nature specially arranged it so that the mother could come to her senses after childbirth. This, for example, personally reassured me very much when, in the second week after the birth of my son, I had an acute attack of appendicitis and was admitted to the hospital. Operation, five days of bed rest and the inability to feed the baby due to antibiotics. All this time he was with his mother-in-law and ate formula. I wrote an alarming letter to my psychotherapy teacher, saying if the child would have a narcissistic trauma. And she assured me that in the first six weeks, nature established such a blind spot for the baby. Like, it's okay, relax, enjoy motherhood.

II After 6 weeks. The child begins to orient himself towards a close person, to recognize his mother. He becomes extremely dependent on her attention, care and a benevolent attitude towards him. If the mother at this time is absorbed by the child and gives him all her love, then he will grow up healthy. If the mother during this period leaves the baby in the care of someone else for a long time, then then it is fraught with narcissistic trauma. But more on this later.

III From 7 months. The ability to move away or towards you appears. If a child has good affection, then he has a positive image of a mother, from which, even if you crawl to learn the world, you can always return and you will be accepted into the arms. If she is undeveloped, then the child sticks and is afraid to let her go even for a second, as if she is afraid that she will not run away. At seven months, the father begins to play a big role, if the mother allows and actively involves the father in communication with the child. In general, a complex transformation of attachment takes place from 7 months to a year. Better to hurt him less often with partings. After all, if everything is fine with the baby's mother, everything will be fine with him and with the rest of the people in the world too.

IV By the age of three, the baby becomes independent. He begins to actively learn the world, try it in every way, tries to influence and control, manipulate and strives to understand how far he can go. At this time, the boundaries of behavior and the concept of responsibility are formed. The time has come for "this is possible", "this is not", "and this will be possible when you grow up."

The main thing in the formation of attachment is that the child does not remain alone and, preferably, does not part with his mother for a long time. For example, today's psychologists would never advise anyone on Dr. Spock's sadistic rule "leave the child alone in the room to cry, he will calm down." Because now it is already reliably known that such exercises abound with deep narcissistic trauma, psychopathies and a latent feeling of total abandonment, constantly itching from within. Moreover, this feeling of abandonment, powerlessness and anger pursues then all my life.

These are the scenarios of life and love that children grow up from different types of attachment.

Strongest Scenario

Attachment type: Avoidant

Life motto: "I can handle it myself, I don't need support and help"

Childhood: This type of attachment is formed in the family where the child did not feel secure from the parents, more often from the mother. When the mother's attention was strongly distracted by someone else: either she had problems with her sick parents, or someone in the family was seriously ill, almost dying, and all the attention of the household was focused on the dying, and not on the small child. The kid could not get security at any moment, and satisfy his other needs. There was no answer to his inquiries. And he simply stopped feeling desires. That is, all the first three years he learned not to feel needs, to bother adults less and, moreover, why, if they are not satisfied anyway. And I learned only one thing when I grew up - to be strong and rely only on myself.

Adult life: This is the person who takes care of everything. A strong woman who cries at the window in the evening, and then gets up at seven in the morning, stops the galloping horse and goes to extinguish the burning deadlines on schedule.

- I have no time for love! she says.

Or:

- Well, where can I find the ideal, they are all married.

Or he says that he doesn't know who to choose. Or she will come up with something else, telling why she fails to build love. The main thing in her life is actually avoiding very close relationships. There seem to be friends, but symbolic and conventional, whom it is good to present in a formal setting. Or even on social networks, Facebook, classmates. It seems like a good relationship with colleagues, but within the framework of "drink coffee, discuss the quarterly report." No special gossip, heart secrets and undercover games. This person is autonomous and independent. He does not know how to ask for help, because he does not believe that someone is capable of providing it. He achieves everything himself and still helps others. She trusts only herself and her powers. It is also quite difficult for her to answer the question "What do I want?" But she knows very well what she has to do.

Pedantic, neat, ideal workers, demanding bosses, with a positive profile. And emotionally dry. Some people in their environment are tempted to piss them off, to see if this robot can even yell at me, damn it?

One day, of course, they choose a life partner, especially if the "need" has arisen sharply. Whether parents pressed, or for a career. But they choose not for spiritual closeness, but according to performance characteristics: brown eyes, height - 183, works there, earns so much, such a car make - suits, we take it.

But a real family often does not work out. If the marriage is preserved, then either because both spouses turned out to be conscious and went to a psychologist to work on themselves (which is rare), or they retain the appearance of a social unit and live like neighbors (the overwhelming majority).

Such people with this type of attachment almost never let anyone into their hearts. But if they are allowed in, then they turn out to be monogamous who can love all their lives. If this love turns out to be mutual (which is extremely unlikely !!!), the chosen one will still think that there is some kind of invisible barrier between them. But more often a person's whole life is haunted by a feeling of inner loneliness and misunderstanding of others. He does not count on understanding.

Liberating Climax: Strong people break down suddenly. Something insignificant becomes the last straw, and suddenly the Iron Lady-Terminator collapsed and became a wet rag, barely crawling to the pharmacy for antidepressants. Nerves suddenly fail or health fails, or all at once - this is individual. They take a long time to recover. They have to accept someone else's help, they have to ask for help. Downright resignation under the yoke of circumstances, to see yourself different. And this becomes a new experience that changes the picture of the world. Often after such withdrawal a more harmonious and happy life comes. They may even allow themselves to love more and let people get closer to them.

Scenario "I want it and it is pricked"

Attachment type: Ambivalent

Life motto: "I live only when I experience emotions on the edge"

Childhood: This is the type of "abandoned" children. Mom and dad, for example, had a violent sort of relationship during childhood. Or they worked hard and hard. But for a child it looked like this: they took it in their hands for five minutes, cuddled it, then gave it to their grandparents to take care of and disappeared for an unknown amount. There was an unreliable support. Just relax, you seem to be loved, cared for and kissed on the top of your head at night, bam, again they sent you to a round-the-clock kindergarten somewhere. And when they will take, and who will take it - sheer uncertainty. However, the Soviet practice, in principle, early to take a child to kindergarten was fraught with the formation of this particular type of attachment. The eternal expectation of mom-dad turns into that very inescapable melancholy that an adult person often drowns out with alcohol. And he is afraid to get used to a loved one, so as not to experience the pain of separation again.

Adult life: The fable of the heron and the crane is about ambivalent affection. First, he is struggling to find love, support, help. And as soon as he receives it, he cannot calmly accept it, but begins to wind everyone and everything. Vibrates and torments. Just like in Serdyuchka's song about the prince, “he would have come up, I would have turned away, he would have pestered me, I would have left …” colleagues, friends, relatives. What can we say about amorous affairs.

This type of people is always tormented by two conflicting feelings at the same time:

fear of rejection and longing for real intimacy. And not sick, and not healthy. And he wants to start a family, and is afraid that they will be devoured with giblets.

He strives to win as many friends, women, men as possible, he cramps straight, and then disappears, not caring about his image. To suddenly emerge with gifts and smiles. All the time I want to and inject. And most importantly, strong emotions are constantly needed. Without emotions as without gingerbread.

He wants to be pretty, kind at the same time. And at some point, anger looks sharply and pours out sharp claims, insults, accusations on the interlocutor, it is not clear what they are based on. The vis-a-vis will behave, will run into an even greater wave of irritation. Shows stability and character - immediately reincarnates again into a sweetheart.

A characteristic feature is the devaluation of other people's exploits and their shortcomings. “Oh, think, well, what did you do so good? And what have I done so bad? Violation of other people's boundaries is generally in the order of things. This is the only way to communicate. Climbs into a conversation in a completely personal, easily reveals other people's secrets, having come to visit someone else's house, from the doorway goes to run around the whole apartment and so on.

And the most distinctive feature is that it is this type of people who are most easily addicted to drugs, cocaine, alcohol or promiscuous sex. This is how he suppresses his longing for real closeness and perfect connection.

One way for an ambivalent person to feel alive is to evoke strong emotions in others and "torment" them. And through someone's self-love, realize your worth.

Liberating Climax: Attacks his own reflection, falls in love and falls in love. Both shake each other's nerves and part. But in the process of expressing grievances and claims, at least one of them comes to the conclusion that "and he is exactly the same as me!" And he begins to look for ways to change, does the inner work. But by the way, as a rule, if he turns to the help of religion and psychology, he is able to complete, so to speak, internal gestalts and find relative harmony. And meet a more whole person who pulls him to his healthier level.

Scenario "All men are good …"

Attachment type: Disorganized

Life motto: "The world is unfair, it is arranged wrong and everyone else is to blame for this."

Childhood: A terrible childhood, which you will not wish for the enemy. Attachment formation was simply disrupted. Something very difficult was experienced. The mother beat the child, or the drunken father beat the mother, or the child was subjected to some kind of monstrous violence. The softest thing that could be is just a frightened mother from childhood, for example, who survived the horrors of war or terror. Then she is not able to give the child love, and he sees only horror in her eyes and does not know what to attribute it to. But the main thing is that the child feels the presence of a real constant threat to life somewhere and he has no sense of security. He clogs it with information, reads a lot afterwards and looks for answers to questions that do not exist.

Adulthood: Worldwide conspiracy theories and catchphrases a la "men are goats" are born in the inflamed brains of people with this type of attachment. All kinds of unhealthy relationships are practiced. Love and other addiction is the norm of life, and even conditioned by some philosophy. Relationships are chaos. And friends-loved ones can be the most colorful set of psychopaths. Lots of fears and belief in the stupidest stereotypes about people and the structure of the world. "Women are selfish", "politicians are corrupt", "career only through bed", and so on and so forth … The world through the glasses of their glasses looks like a black hole, where everything is unfairly organized and someone (men, women, laws, society, Jews, etc) is to blame.

The carrier of disorganized attachment may not have a love relationship at all. Or he may try to experiment. But it usually ends with the birth of another theory of "how badly the world is arranged." But only if you watch this skeptic from the outside, you can see how he himself arranges for himself all his most nightmarish stories.

There is only one dubious plus: if a disorganized person once finds an outlet in creativity, then he becomes very talented and sparkling. Whether in music, writing, clothing, design or journalism. Only one problem remains: he begins to promote his obsessive conspiracy theories everywhere, and sometimes he does it so talentedly that even those who have no problems with attachment believe.

Liberating Climax: Since this is a borderline state, a liberating climax may not occur. A person will plunge into one or the other "ge", and draw the next wrong conclusions. In this case, only an appeal to a strong professional really helps. And the willingness to work on yourself. This is actually the most difficult one. After all, it is easier for the disorganized to close in themselves and scribble anonymously brilliant "sheets" on the Internet about the difficulty of being.

Scenario "Healthy"

Attachment type: Reliable

Life motto: "Life is beautiful"

Childhood: Mom was always there, dad supported, protected and praised. Love and affection was constant and continuous. The boundaries of good and evil "what is good, what is bad" in the family were more or less clear, and were strictly observed by all family members. The child's wishes were listened to carefully and there was always a reaction to them. The child was respected as a person. And the parents respected each other. Even if one of the parents was not there, the other always spoke very positively about him. Everyone tried to explain. We discussed difficult situations and tried to understand each other. Dates were made with love, not shame. One to three years at least never left.

Adult life: These people are able to withstand difficult life situations without screams of despair and tantrums. They are able to weigh everything calmly, and confidently take the situation into their own hands. Their happy, healthy laugh scares all those with a different type of attachment. And it causes envy. But it doesn't hurt them. They somehow get along with it easily. They have real good friends, know how to love and accept love. Feel unreliable and … avoid getting involved with them in serious events. They have a strong basic trust in the world and wholeness. They never go to psychologists, because, in principle, everything is fine. They know how to give and take in relationships. They start their families quite early and they are usually strong. Although everything happens in life, in any situation they often look dignified. Life is difficult for them too, but they know how to cope with difficulties, ask for help and accept help.

Climax: Life crises occur in a short time and are always spiritually enriching. A person with a secure attachment type is able to draw the right conclusions and learn from their own mistakes. As a way out of the crisis, he always uses the most constructive methods.

Conclusion:

It's okay if you suddenly recognize yourself in some of the unhealthy scenarios. It's even good. After all, as psychologists say, awareness of the problem is already a half-solved problem. The matter is small: to deal with the rest. And the first step will help a lot in this - from the bottom of the heart to thank your parents for life, whatever they may be. And accept what they gave. Realize that they gave what they could. And thanks for that. Sometimes this movement of the soul alone radically changes everything in a person's destiny.