2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sometimes the thought does not occur to you: "why am I doing all this?"
The feeling that everything seems to be according to plan, everything is as planned, but as if the thread of the conversation has been lost. As if for a second you look at yourself from the outside and do not understand the meaning of everything that is happening.
Like a flash.
And from her it becomes uncomfortable.
Suddenly you realize that there is no trace of what all this is intended for
A loved one has become, rather, a duty.
Children bring more inconvenience and annoyance than joy.
Work, rest, entertainment - everything is somehow insipid and does not ignite.
As if all the colors have worn off or overgrown with dust.
Everything is a burden
But you drive away from yourself these thoughts and the viscous feeling of hopelessness. Because if you don't drive him away, then something needs to be changed. And to change means to lose what is dear.
This is all that is in your life - dear to you. You are not ready to part with this. But none of this gives even a drop of happiness, that exciting state, because of which you so want to perform feats, love, overcome, and then feel as if inside you someone small and contented is jumping on one leg with happiness.
Routine. Household. Familiarity.
Autopilot.
We choose goals. Valuable and important.
And then the principle “the end justifies the means” comes into force.
And we burn ourselves.
In pursuit of achievements, we simply forget about why we are going to the designated points.
And the points have been passed a long time ago, and we are all going forward.
We just forget to stop.
We simply forget that all this was conceived for ourselves, for ourselves, because of ourselves.
And it turns out a kind of freeze without the ability to reboot the system.
It seems that if I stop now, remember about myself, about why I need all this, then I will lose what I have
But I can't enjoy it, because the responsibilities
because all this must be supported.
And if I stop for a moment, then I will have nothing at all.
But at the same time, I do not get ANYTHING from what I have
But I don’t want to refuse. Because inside I feel how dear it is to me.
Life on autopilot.
nominal presence.
Real absence.
You simply are not where you are dear.
You do not allow yourself to be present where there is warmth, love, interest, excitement, pleasure
Your pleasure.
Your life.
There is something in you that can destroy all this. What - you do not know, because it is scary to look at it yourself. You just feel anxious, you know you can't.
And there are always at least two outputs.
One is to live on autopilot
Without wondering where the buzz is. Just live. On a knurled one.
But then something inside you, still requiring real life, will break through.
Anger at loved ones.
Indifference to what was interesting.
A thirst for hidden, forbidden pleasures.
Longing and desire to break out of the vicious circle.
The second is to get to know what is inside
And give this part of yourself a place in your life.
After all, you have achieved what you have only because you are what you are.
And if it hadn't been for this strange, unfamiliar, scary and disturbing part of you, none of this would have happened.
It's just that once you were convinced that you can't be real.
Such, real, nobody needs you, dangerous, disgusting.
But these are the rules of others. Not yours
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