About Life In Illusions That Will Never Become Reality And Phantom Pains When Parting With Them

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"I blinded him from what was, and then what was, I fell in love …"

How often do we wishful thinking? How often do we confuse our expectations of "how it should be" with what really is?

For example:

- I kept expecting that he would grow wiser and stop drinking …

- I believed that that betrayal of him was the last …

- I still hoped that he would offer me to marry him …

- I strongly believed that fatherly feelings would wake up in him …

- I did so much to make him love me …

How often do we, literally, dress another person in our expectations, write him down in our dreams, introduce him into the jungle of our illusions, in which we are then happily lost with him?

Often.

In fact, behind all these expectations lie our personal needs and desires, projected onto another person. With our good behavior, help, patience, love, we kind of make them obliged to become what we want and give what we need.

Wikipedia suggests that an illusion is a deception of the senses, something seeming, that is, a distorted perception of a really existing object or phenomenon that allows for an ambiguous interpretation.

Therefore, in this article I will talk about the phenomenon of illusions in life and their frustration, a painful process, but necessary for the further development of the individual and her relationships.

So, the perception of each of us is subjective. We see what we want to see. To people living in illusion, love really seems and dreams. It seems that what is not, and does not see, what is.

"The knot will be tied, the knot will be untied, and love is only what it seems …"

Do you like fairy tales?) Remember your favorite fairy tales from your childhood? Cinderella, Gerda, the Little Mermaid, Nastenka from the fairy tale The Scarlet Flower, Asol from Scarlet Sails are good kind heroines of fairy tales who believed in goodness and justice, worked, endured, waited, each risked in the name of their love. The examples of these wonderful fairy-tale girls have inspired many real girls to similar feats of self-sacrifice. And the happy endings of fairy tales formed the illusion that this is possible in real life. As children, we wanted to believe (and we believed) that the slothful Emelya would become a good master, the monster would turn into a prince, Kai's heart would thaw, and if you wait long and dream hard, Gray will definitely find his Asol, save and take with him to a happy a life…

Such beliefs of childhood are often and sometimes firmly rooted in our subconscious, influencing our perception of reality.

In addition, it is important to remember that many good girls born in the USSR were taught to endure, save and “create” a personality from poor students and hooligans throughout their childhood. And every real Malvina was simply obliged to fulfill the "plan" and "educate" a person from Buratino.

In the context of fate and happiness, a life of illusion is dangerous. Because you live / see / speak not with a real person, but with your projection. As a result, instead of real life, with the achievement of their goals and desires - a life of illusion is nothing more than an irrational claim to the present or the future.

Why do we so often and desperately hold on to our fantasies? Why do we stubbornly close our eyes and do not want to perceive reality?

1. Because we all want natural and true love, a feeling of closeness and joy of happiness together. This is good, understandable and correct.
2. Partly because in our culture the infantile "maybe" is very widespread (maybe it is by itself to decide), children's belief in "miracles", beliefs "if you suffer for a long time, something will work out" and the notorious excuse "I'm trying."
3. And, finally, because in stressful situations, scripted (based on emotions, thoughts and decisions of childhood) behavior is included.

Such a plan of life, based on a fairy tale, is perceived as a beacon in the night - it shines and gives hope to the ship. Children's sensory experiences, immature thinking and early decisions come to mind and literally dictate the strategy and tactics of behavior. It is precisely that fabulous beauty + drama (good triumphs over evil) that forms the illusion that it will be so in my life.

"The tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it …". Folk epics, folklore, legends, sagas and myths contain an important teaching idea and are based on real events. But! That's why they are fairy tales, that they have a miracle, magic, magic, a fairy, a wizard, a scarlet flower or a magic wand, spells, in the end, thanks to which - ale up! - and the cannibal turns into a mouse, and Ivan the fool turns into a Tsarevich.

Growing up, we often continue to believe in a fairy tale with a miracle, losing sight of the fact that the Wizard will not arrive all of a sudden on a blue helicopter, and that conscious and responsible adults create miracles with their own hands.

So, about the illusion in dry psychotherapeutic residue:

1. Illusion is always a part of a life scenario - an attractive part of it. Essentially, it's a codependent relationship trap. Tempting, beautiful and infantile fantasy often spreads to other people, determining what they should do, what they should become, what they will become.
2. Illusion is formed and reinforced by childish attitudes, psychological defenses, and strange adaptation mechanisms. Remember the anecdote about the girl who played in the sandbox in the cold in winter? When asked why she was dressed so lightly, because it was snowing, the girl replied that it was just a bad summer.
3. A person in an illusion is uncritical, unable to adequately accept reality and choose healthy, correct decisions for a given situation.
4. Illusion is a phantom, a mirage, which intoxicates and does not give the opportunity to be here and now, enjoy life, feel harmony. She hails from the past, but is always directed towards a future that will never be as expected.
5. Any illusion has a secondary benefit. After all, if you face the truth, then expecting anything from others is unprofitable. But it protects against risks: the risk of making decisions yourself, being responsible for your life, living consciously in the present.
6. A life of illusion is teeming with psychological games. Despite the variety of fantasy material, most of the events develop according to the classics, more precisely the Karpman's dramatic triangle, where the participants alternately play roles characteristic of psychological games: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor.

Needless to say, a healthy and happy life in an adequate psychological sense is a life outside the illusion, but with three important criteria:

Autonomy - the ability to live and make decisions independently, without shifting responsibility (he promised, and I waited for everything) and without falling back on the opinions of others. The decisions are balanced, competent and environmentally friendly for ourselves and others.

Spontaneity - the ability to see not one (scenario) solution, but several. There are always several of them. And choose the best for yourself "here and now" instead of "now I will suffer, and I will deserve happiness in the future."

Proximity - the ability to be open, sincere with another person, accept him, understand, feel. At the same time, follow up and respond so that each other's personal boundaries are respected. Being in a healthy intimacy, a person feels stronger, because he is not alone, he has a loved one. In unhealthy intimacy, we feel pain, dramatically strong, but mostly negative emotions.

Hope is the worst of evils, it prolongs the agony. Irwin Yalom, "When Nietzsche Wept"

The most difficult parting is parting with an illusion. Parting is a loss. A broken illusion is also a loss that must be mourned in order to finally let go.

We become attached to people, the team, work, things, the house in which we live. We feel feelings towards them, we introduce them into our lives. Our memories are associated with them, our present and our future, we often also often associate with them. We get used to, love, care, make plans and dream about ourselves and our dear people and objects. We do this because we are human.

When someone leaves our life or we lose something, we experience stress, grief, loss. It is painful and difficult. Such frustration is a painful, but necessary process in the stage of personality maturation. Such experience makes it possible to determine an adequate level of aspirations, feel the boundaries, take responsibility and adapt to this imperfect world.

It is even more difficult when a valuable, dear to us illusion collapses. An illusion on which, as a foundation, a lot is built.

On the path of recovery, liberation and awareness, psychological defenses can turn on and pursue real phantom pains - suffering for what was so sincerely believed, was expected for so long that it seemed almost real, almost achievable, which could very well be, exactly because we wanted it so much. As well as the fear of being wrong. Fear of admitting your illusion is tantamount to admitting your fiasco. Yes, this is a very unpleasant sensation. But it is also illusory. And temporary.

What to do:

1. The first step - the hardest - is to see reality. Want to see and perceive her. The way she is. Without criticism, and yelling "boss, everything is gone!". It is important to rely on common sense and feelings of inner comfort or discomfort. Alternatively, you can make a comparison table between your expectations (requests / desires / actions / investments) and the actions of your partner. Or compare his words and his real actions, measure it over time. For example, if he is looking for a job for the fifth year or promises that he will find time to relax together and everything somehow does not grow together - the reality is that he does not want to fulfill his promise.
2. Decide to leave. With an illusion. Groundless hope. Unverifiable promises. After parting with the illusion, you can make the right healthy decision in which direction to develop the relationship. The decision is a very important step. It's like deciding to have an important operation. It's scary, you know that it will not be easy and it will hurt for some time, but you understand that it is necessary for health and life.
3. Get ready and mentally fit. Read about the loss loop, its stages and approximate timeframes. Understand that denial, anger, guilt, doubt, even mild depression are perfectly logical and normal in the process of experiencing loss. Learn the stories of how others have coped with this task. You're not the first baby! They were hurt and scared, just like you. They could and you can!
4. It will be bitter and scary. It is important to understand this and allow yourself to feel. A fully experienced emotion recedes. This is a clear rule and our goal. Allow yourself to feel pain, sadness, sadness. Cry. Try not to run away from feelings. Frustration is a bitter but useful pill on the path of your liberation. It's scary - because the way out of the script is a new experience and you are just learning to live freely and consciously. Give yourself time, you will definitely figure it out!
5. Imagine yourself as a psychologist. Imagine that a person with exactly the same situation and problem turned to you for consultation for help. How does a familiar situation look to you from the outside? What would you recommend? And if everything that is happening now in your life happened to your very close and dear person (child, sister, friend). How would you feel, think, what advice would you give if they turned to you for help?
6. Ask yourself what you really want ?! Let yourself hear it! Now see if your desires go beyond the boundaries of another person? If you want him to … (get married, stop using foul language, start making money) and demand, beg and wait for it - this is not right and unpromising. Direct thoughts, energy, desires into yourself - develop, study, change jobs, take a trip, create a new social circle.
7. Imagine (at least for a moment) yourself as the person in relation to whom there is or was an illusion. Try to take his pose, say a couple of phrases in his style. Now describe how he sees the situation, what he really wants from you and what is really happening?
8. Understand, “the first mistake is not a mistake. The second mistake is a mistake. And the third is the diagnosis. " Believing, negotiating is normal. Correctly - to define deadlines. It is wrong when the game is with only one goal. When you just wait, but don't even say what exactly. When you give advances and promises are not kept. Yes, 50/50 responsibility. If you allow more, then you are more used or neglected. It is your responsibility and task to prevent the third mistake.
9. Believe in love, loyalty, devotion, tenderness, mutual interest and responsible attitude towards each other. Watch films, read books, find such correct positive examples in life, learn how to do it correctly, beautifully, and with dignity.
10. Give yourself time. And at this time - create, draw, write poetry or prose, sing karaoke at home or record a vocal. It is very important to live and express yourself, your feelings, your pain. All we do is creativity. Dance. Learn to dance. Body and soul are inseparable. Soul hurts - bad in the body. To heal the soul - help the body to express what is not yet expressed in tears and words.
11. Decide and allow yourself to be happy "here and now." That means right today, right this minute. Don't do what you don't like, don't let others do to you that hurts.
12. Erase from your head, mind and memory parental orders, beliefs that love must be earned, and for happiness - to fight. “Come on, come on, so much has already been passed … well, he can’t not succumb to the“alteration”- ugh, what nonsense! "Try (endure and wait)!" - the insidious programmatic attitude of childhood, whispers and pushes not to give up, where it would be wiser to stop and think whether the game is worth the candle. Forget about her!
13. Psychotherapy. When the body is sick, we turn to doctors, when the soul is time to see a psychologist or psychotherapist. This is normal, problems can be solved together, with support. Moreover, when the black stripe ends (and it will definitely end!) - the white one will begin, and you need to prepare for it practically and theoretically.

I wish you happiness, awareness, spontaneity, autonomy and closeness!