My Dad, My Prince And My Husband

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Hey. I want to share with you as with a psychologist. The point is, I don’t know how to react to my daughter’s behavior. She is three years and nine months old, she is madly in love with her father. Jealous of him even to me. She says that dad is her prince and husband. We explain to her that she will grow up and meet her prince and marry, but she is stubborn, not childishly stands her ground. How should we, her parents, behave? And do you need to pay special attention to this? "

Having received such a message from my friend, I was about to answer, - sentences began to form in my head, to remember in the course of the life of adult women who come to consultations. Relationships began to appear between the interaction of little girls with their dads and the life of already adult women … And I wanted to write this text - after all, every little girl grows up at some point and, perhaps, there are those rare cases when this growing up happens psychologically. At least, one would like to hope that there will be more and more such successful cases.

So, my daughter is 4 years old and she is living through one of the fundamental intrapersonal crises in the development of each person, and how he goes through this crisis in childhood is largely determined by his behavior in adult life.

It is at this age that girls and boys begin to look at their parents as representatives of the opposite sex. This is a normal developmental situation for a child. Little daughters seem to have an affair with their dads and do not want to share them with their mother. This is a very important phase in a child's development.

My dad, my prince and my husband

What's happening?

A girl from 3 to 6 years old (all individually) has an attraction to her father and competes with her mother.

At this age, the girl looks at the behavior of her mother, what her mother does, for which her father loves her. And the girl identifies with her mother, therefore, later on, she often chooses a partner similar to her father. The same thing happens with boys.

If a child successfully goes through this intrapersonal crisis, then in an adult state he builds full-fledged relationships with other people, without becoming dependent on others, without subjugating others, is able to love and accept other people as they are, without demands on them. Also, he knows how to accept love. This, if the so-called Oedipus crisis, the child has passed safely.

What happens if everything goes according to a not very favorable scenario?

Then, in adulthood, a person will experience various difficult situations very strongly, easily enter into conflicts (as if continuing to compete with a parent, but already subconsciously), it is difficult for him to accept love and give love himself without getting into addiction.

If we are talking about a girl, then there is a kind of subconscious "sticking" on the figure of the father and any other male figure seems to be not allowed into her life. Love is idealized and avoided at the same time. Or, perhaps, the other extreme, when a woman declares that she needs no one. The result is loneliness.

Therefore, parents need to realize how important it is for their child to successfully pass this developmental crisis.

Also, during the passage of this crisis, the child develops the foundations of adult sexual attraction and how he will interact with his sexuality.

How can parents help their child? Let's get a look

1. Dosed, if I may say so, the tenderness that you pour out on the child. Don't spoil him. Caress in relation to a child at this age should not be too passionate. It is harmful for a child to be perceived by his parents as the only treasure. It is also harmful for the child if the mother prefers him to her husband (and, accordingly, the husband prefers the child to his wife). It is difficult for a child to extricate himself from the upheavals of the family hierarchy of relationships.

2. Between the child and the mother there must be someone third, or something third, if she is raising a child alone and now she does not have a man.

3. Parents show love for each other. Fleeting kisses, touching each other. The child sees this and will take your script of the relationship into his adult life. It is important for a child to see the mutual disposition of parents to each other. Parents should have sexual satisfaction for each other. It is important for the child to see that the parental relationship comes first.

4. If you are confused by the child's behavior, do not try to take him by surprise. If the situation in which you find the child seems awkward to you, at this age the child takes off his panties, touches his genitals, - stay calm, treat with humor, do not humiliate the child and do not frighten him with your fears. You can tell him that he can touch himself wherever he wants, but in his room. If you do not allow a child to run around naked and touch their genitals at 3-4 years old, then in adulthood a woman, for example, loses contact with her body, is ashamed of it and is afraid to show her body to a man, and to herself too.

5. Moms, never compete with your 4-year-old daughter. If you allow yourself to remain calm and interact with your husband like an adult woman, in this way, you set an example for your daughter and help her get through this crisis safely.

If, however, you find it difficult in this situation, do not hesitate to contact a psychologist and figure out what happens to you when your daughter tries to take your place next to your husband. And here is not about a 4-year-old girl, there may be something about you. If you can figure this out, it will be useful for your daughter as well.

6. Close the door to the parents' bedroom.

The child needs a sense of security and when the parents are together, he subconsciously feels that he is not in danger. Also, the child needs to experience defeat, to understand that the parent of the same gender will not be jealous, will not succumb to fear, but will love and support him, as before.

7. It will be effective for the child if the parent (mother for the daughter) will devote more time to the child by gender. Find some of your female activities that will bring you closer. Let it even become your shared secret.

8. If, after reading the above, you have the impression that now you need to keep your daughter away from dad (son from mom), not to take the child into your bed, then this is not so. There is a principle that I really like - NO FANATISM. It is applicable here as well. Throughout his life, a child needs the tenderness of his parents. He needs a close relationship.

The child needs parental support and acceptance. Just try to separate marriage and parenting.

You can often hear parents say to themselves, “mom, dad, our dad will come now, now mom will bring… etc.”. Try to use the words - "my husband …, I like a wife, I want my husband …, my husband when he returns from a business trip (not our dad)." This will help the child to separate the roles of parenting and matrimonial.

9. Tell your child the story of your acquaintance and love. Tell him about your childhood crush, about how the boy Roma fell in love with you in kindergarten, for example.

Let yourself be calm and you will succeed:)

Good luck, dear parents, on the path of growing up your child.