2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The red line of this conflict will be a pronounced hypertrophied fear of loss, loss in relationships with loved ones. The aching feeling of losing something dear, close, warm, irreplaceable. The loss is associated with feelings of depression. Therefore, patients whose leading conflict is the conflict "need for care - self-sufficiency" will be distinguished by signs of depression, depression, apathy.
So, on the one hand, an important need of an individual is to receive love and care. On the other hand, there is a need to leave the zone of comfort and safety and care. The need for development and overcoming. Self-sufficiency
The main difference between the conflict of concern and the conflict of dependence, described in the article "Loneliness-attachment", is an important detail. In “caring”, relationships are important, in “dependence” - dependence on the other is manifested. The addict cannot imagine his life without the other. It seems to him that he simply cannot live, that he will lose this other. In “caring,” the individual values what is happening between him and the other. Relationships are valuable to him. I want to note that these relationships can be deeply dysfunctional, destructive. But these are better than none at all. Losing them is the same as experiencing the physical death of a loved one, a loved one.
Such an individual will strive to build relationships in such a way that the main theme of these relationships is caring for him. Or he will look for such a partner, whom he himself will take care of and protect from life's hardships, depriving this other of any opportunity to do something on his own. This means the opportunity to grow.
The main deficiency is a weak ability to recognize one's own needs and desires..
Such a person in a passive form of conflict will accept any actions and manifestations of the other as caring for him, not listening to his desires. Or, in an active form, it will behave in the same way in relation to another. He is incapable of taking care of himself. Those. either he will look for someone to do this in relation to him, or he will take care of the other as he would like to be cared for.
To cope with this inner conflict, the patient must learn to understand his needs and take care of himself
I would like to clarify here. Taking care of yourself and showing and caring for others is part of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
This need can be called neurotic when a person has a low ability to understand what he himself wants, what he needs and to accept any manifestations from another as care and love
He, more often than not, does not directly say what he wants, and expects the other to guess his desires. At the other pole of the conflict, there is an unconscious need to do everything for another. At the same time, there is an emptiness inside, which he tries to fill with concern for another, or rather, his reciprocal gratitude for the care. But this is only temporary satisfaction. More and more is needed over time. And the emptiness inside is not saturated.
In therapy, I draw the patient's attention to his desires, to his needs, and he learns to take care of himself, allow himself, be interested in himself
In contact with the person who is “caring” in conflict, you will feel the urge to take care of them. In a longer relationship with such a person, we will soon feel his fear of losing us, he may be angry to find fault with the fact that we do not care enough for him, do not pay enough attention. He has little attention, little care, little of everything … over time, we may feel helpless and hopeless to change something in the relationship. We will ask ourselves the question: what else does he (she) need? After all, I already do everything for her (him) that I can. What else should I (should) do? Such a person can be perceived as intrusive, annoying, from whom you want to get rid of.
If such a patient is in an active mode of conflict, he will deny the need for care: "I do not need anything from you." At the same time, his dissatisfaction and resentment will be felt. He is incapable of accepting care from another. In such cases, we feel resentment, irritation, and our uselessness.
Patients in the active mode of this conflict most often had to grow up early. There was a so-called emergency growing up. Since childhood, he was used to sacrificing his interests and needs for the sake of another in order to maintain a relationship. As an adult, he will complain that everyone uses him and in return for his care and self-sacrifice, he does not receive anything.
Both in the passive and in the active mode, they are very scared to be left without another. If he is alone, he will not be able to satisfy such an important need of the individual as care
In therapy, it is important to bring to the understanding, the realization that care must be mature. That in a relationship you need to talk about your needs directly, defend them, as well as accept, expect, leave the right and your partner to do the same.
It is important to teach such a patient that in a relationship he admits, realizes his right to offend another, to distance himself, to build an acceptable framework for himself. Take the same from your partner.
What is need? This is comfort, food, warmth, when that mother's object responds, anticipates the child's wishes. Caring is the act of promoting the well-being of another.
It is these concepts that are realized at the first stage of a relationship during falling in love.
I fall in love with someone who, in my opinion, will satisfy my needs, and I expect that this will be forever
I described how the conflict manifests itself in the relationship sphere of such a patient.
What happens in other spheres of life and how does the conflict manifest itself in work, career, health, society, in relations with money, in sexuality?
So, I hope, it became clear from the above material that the conflict can proceed in a passive and active form. Moreover, he can pass from passive to active in one person and, vice versa, depending on the circumstances.
Let's consider in more detail both modes of conflict
Let's start with passive form.
Such a person can be characterized as clinging to relationships and demanding in relationships.
He is jealous, blackmails, depressed and afraid of a breakup
He depends on relationships and fills his inner emptiness with any, often non-functional and parasitic relationships. It is difficult for such people to leave the parental family and family ties are preserved and maintained in an exaggerated form. This is due to the many needs that parents continue to meet. But, do not forget about cultural, national customs that are not included in this context.
In his family, such an individual builds a codependent relationship. Any attempts by a partner to separate for a while, to stay in their personal space, lead to depressive episodes and the perception of the situation as catastrophic.
A relative way out in this situation is to show care and receive care equally in relation to each other.
At work, such people do not strive for career growth, since they perceive any requirements as a deprivation of care and support, which they have in the first place in any team. They do not make responsible decisions and are always looking for allies in any business.
Often due to the fact that they prefer safety, comfort, support, they cannot realize their abilities and lose opportunities
It is very interesting that such a person will show his need for care, more precisely he will not ask for care directly, but through the needs of the body. Everything will revolve around the supposed needs of the body in the form of things, food, addictive substances. In this case, the true needs of the body are not taken into account. Also, various hypochondriacal painful symptoms appear as a call to take care of me. In this way, masked depression can manifest itself. A person will go to doctors, complain to family members about eternal ailments, moreover, there will be no real grounds for the disease. It is impossible to cure such a person, because he is not sick in the body.
What is our hero with a lack of care in childhood, who is in active mode?
This person may look like an altruist.
For him, the main thing is concern for his neighbor. His motto is - I give so much, but I get nothing
I already wrote that such people often had to grow up too early and take on an unbearable responsibility. But this is not overcompensation or psychological masochism, which have a different basis. This is the only way for him to satisfy his need for care.
I take care of others the way I would like to be cared for.
He may leave the parental family early, but he will show concern and feel responsible for his parents throughout his life.
This altruism only externally looks like self-sacrifice, if such a person makes donations, then internally he perceives them as investments, the return of which is expected with interest. An example of such investments is over-concern for a loved one, children, irregular work with increased obligations, parting with real estate in favor of relatives with subsequent expectations of a reward for self-denial.
When our hero does not receive the expected dividends, he can fall into depression, despondency with somatic manifestations, which can pose a serious threat to his health
In relationships, such people are most often depreciated and underestimated. They suffer from envy of those to whom, in their opinion, the love and attention that belongs to them is leaving.
Successful therapy for such patients can be considered the process of realizing that they must, first of all, learn to listen to themselves and take care of themselves, which, of course, does not exclude the acceptance of care from loved ones.
In psychodynamic therapy, we work through the following steps:
- Dealing with the loss zone, as a result of which we integrate the loss into sadness and live through the grief that will not be so.
- Dealing with aggression. Aggression is the released repressed energy in a depressive state, when the patient had to suppress his desires, needs, feelings "for the sake of maintaining a relationship."
In the Effective Stress Management psychotherapy group, we learn about all seven major conflicts and how to work with them in psychotherapy.
The article uses the material of OPD-2 (operationalized psychodiagnostics).
Illustration - artist Marina Domareva “Taking care of my daughter”.
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