Why Do We Need Those We Don't Need?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Relationships with certain people are included in the basic set of our life: parents, children, husbands, wives. But, in addition to them, we daily interact with many optional characters - colleagues, neighbors in the stairwell, former classmates, "friends" of childhood, etc. And if solving difficulties in relations with the former is a mandatory program, then troubles with the latter are our “subject of choice”.

Do these connections sometimes last for years? What makes us from time to time become an object to meet the needs of strangers, in fact people? To be a sewage treatment plant, a door mat, a punching bag for those with whom neither blood ties nor common children bind us? And now I'm not talking about the fact that this kind of interaction is normal within the family, and nothing can be done about it, you will have to endure. But at least there it is clear what is on the other side of the scale - feelings there, all sorts of obligations, jointly acquired property in the end. And when it seems like nothing like that? Why do we need a relationship that only takes a resource away? Not so that they squeeze out to the last drop, so - half a glass, but regularly. And they do not break our borders, for some reason we simply do not build them there.

First, because this kind of relationship can be our baseline of the norm … Those. we are accustomed to and consider it normal that people talk to us like that. This line of norms is formed in our childhood, it is read from the relationships adopted in the family. If we are used to hearing from our parents something like: “Well … With your voice, did you decide to become an artist ??? Do not embarrass yourself! I'd rather tell you this than you'll cry from others later. " Then it becomes normal and customary for us to mistake tactlessness for a benefactor. “Oh, you already have so much gray hair! Have not noticed??? Well, it's good that I told you, you probably just have poor lighting at home. " The truth is that in both the first and second cases, it is at least not pleasant to hear such remarks. Then, as a child, it was most likely very painful, now it just hurt a little. But it is important to understand that this is about anything, but not about care and love for us - neither in the first nor in the second case. And if we cannot change our childhood and our parents, then as adults, it is our duty to protect ourselves from such statements.

And here we can face the second reason. This is inability to build boundaries in relationships. It is much more difficult to do this with loved ones, because there is a desire to maintain closeness. And, therefore, you need to be open, talk about your feelings, needs, ask and be ready to hear another. Setting boundaries with parents, children, spouses is a difficult process that lasts for years, requires mental investment, accompanied by pain. Sometimes this task seems so overwhelming that "it is better to accept and endure" seems to be the only possible solution. And we get used to endure. Well, you will think that after talking with such a "friend", then for two days in vain we try to find that tuft of gray hair, which she so easily discerned. We change the light bulb to a brighter one, doubt our visual acuity, hire a husband as a private detective to search for gray hair, growl at children who distract from searching the Internet for hair dyes that effectively paint over gray hair … In parallel with this, we recall that after Last meeting, they never wore their favorite dress, because she said that it is more suitable for pensioners … Well, what is it? She probably wanted the best … She didn't offend me, she just expressed her opinion about my dress … Perhaps she is right … Then, most likely, a natural reaction of anger occurs in such a situation, and we mentally send her to places of battle glory. But! For some reason, only mentally! And then, after some time, we again agree to the offer “to go somewhere to unwind”. Because we are much more accustomed to living the discomfort of communicating with someone than to build boundaries. The good news is that if this is not the inner circle, then there should be no task of keeping close. There is no such intimacy, and it probably never was. This means that it is not necessary to reflect, inform the person about your feelings, give constructive feedback, explain the reasons for your removal, etc. You can simply say "No" to this contact. And you don't have to explain anything. Moreover, the chances of being understood in this case are extremely small.

However, it happens that despite the regular hangover after some contacts, we feel an inexplicable desire to repeat the banquet. After all, a hangover does not come immediately, it is preceded by quite pleasant states. This happens if we are trying to satisfy some of our needs with the help of "synthetics" … The need for relaxation and fun - with alcohol, the need for intimacy and acceptance - through synthetic communication. For example, we really do not have enough emotional communication with mom, her support and praise. And now, walking the dog, we regularly meet with a neighbor who, in some ways, is similar to the figure of the mother (age, appearance, demeanor, etc.) Only, unlike our mother, she is sincerely happy to meet each time with us and greets us with some kind word. And it becomes no longer important that after a good-natured smile and "Hello-Helen-what-you-well-done-so-early-woke up" followed by a series of stories about how she felt bad yesterday in the clinic, and the tomatoes, which are the next store turned out to be like grass. And we absorb all the negativity diligently poured onto us, instead of interrupting it and continuing to go out with the dog in headphones. Because we believe (albeit unconsciously) that in this way we earn such a warming "Helen is great." Needless to say, synthetic vitamins are absorbed much worse than natural ones and sometimes cause allergies, while synthetic hormones stop the production of real ones? Yes, sometimes this is the only option to satisfy the need for this or that "substance", but is this really your case?

Another "hook" that we fall for and, as a result, find ourselves in a traumatic relationship can be hidden competition … For some reason, it is very important for us to prove to ourselves that we are cooler, more talented, more successful than … And then, under the guise of friendly relations, a real cold war is going on. We agree to “just have a cup of coffee” with a colleague, knowing that we will most likely have to drink this cup of coffee with a bottle of valerian. This happens when her barbs are sharper than ours. But it also happens the other way around. Sometimes we feel surprisingly cheerful and cheerful after these meeting-rounds. Why did it happen?

Well, if we need a small victorious war to strengthen the will to win on a larger scale, then why not. Just remember that there is always a risk that the enemy will be stronger this time. Just calculate your strength and do not enter the "battlefield" when you are not in the resource.

In any case, do not forget that toxins accumulate in the body, and the cleansing systems wear out. Take care of yourself!