2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“Children do not need to be brought up, you need to build relationships with them” - I read this phrase in one article and I really liked it because it is lively and light.
As far back as I can remember, my mother tried to educate me. She believed that her main task was to instill in me certain rules of safety in life, to make sure that I did everything correctly and to point out my mistakes. In this state of affairs, I perceived her more as a warden or jailer, and not as the closest person. Our relationship was difficult, literally every conversation was in a raised voice, and ended in a quarrel. From the point of view of an outside observer, I was a good mom. She was always there, tried to do everything right, put children first. For many it was a misunderstanding why they did not reciprocate. It was a mystery to me too.
Thanks to constellations, I knew that accepting my mother opens up great opportunities for a person - this is acceptance of the energy of life, creativity, relationships, health, etc. But no matter how I tried to do it, nothing helped - not letters of forgiveness, not meditation, not logical arguments and benefits. It got to the point that when the figure of the mother emerged in the constellations, they said to me: “Well, here’s mom, we need to figure it out separately, we’ll not go there now,” I answered: “Well, of course,” and the work was over.
My attempts to accept my mother were unsuccessful for a long time. I was also unable to accept my child. He was often annoying, and I wanted to isolate myself from him. This state of affairs was upsetting, I loved my son, and understood that my attitude towards him greatly affects his life, fate and happiness, but I could not help myself. I couldn't play with him, and it was easier for me to do any homework than to communicate with my boy.
My request for personal therapy is relationships with men, but the questions of parents and son were also often raised. After some time, my relationship with the child began to change: he stopped annoying me, it became easier for me to be with him, there was more tenderness and love, he became calmer and happier.
I can highlight the following principles that have emerged in the relationship with my child:
1. Respect for personal boundaries. If my son says to me “no” or “I don’t want”, then I hear it and stop insisting. I also demand that he also hear my “no” the first time.
2. Attention to desires. For example, once we were in a store. He asked to buy a plush deer, which he liked very much. This toy did not make any impression on me, I liked the bear more, and offered to buy it, but my son insisted on his own. I ended up buying this deer. Now Olenyushka is my boy's favorite toy, he practically never leaves him. I am very pleased that at that moment I listened to my son and bought him what he wanted, and not what was better in my opinion, otherwise that bear would have been lying among other toys.
3. Choice. I let my son choose what clothes he wants to wear, what he wants to eat for breakfast, where he wants to go for a walk, what book to read, and he became much more willing to do something, and earlier, because of resistance, he could drag out time for hours.
4. Respect for the need to indulge. We now have special clothes for the street, in which you can run in puddles, wallow in the snow, get dirty, climb playgrounds and slides. He clearly knows when to get dirty, and when he is dressed smartly.
5. Permission to be angry, even to me. To express his anger, he has a red pillow in the shape of a bug - Spitfire. It can be thrown into a wall (in the one where there are no windows and a closet), you can punch, trample with your feet, jump on it and do whatever your soul desires, the main thing is not to break anything. My son periodically uses this scoundrel when it is necessary to drain the accumulated anger.
6. Permission to Error. I do not scold him if he spills tea, stains his clothes, does something wrong, but I ask him to fix it.
7. Allowing to be yourself. My boy is uncomfortable - he is very nimble, sociable, courageous and it often happens that in a situation where you need to be quiet and serious, he behaves noisy, attracts a lot of attention. I used to be ashamed that I am a bad mother - I cannot influence the child, now I respect his personality and self-expression (within the normal range)))).
8. Trust. I trust my child with responsible affairs. For example, I trust to use a mixer when we bake a cake or make pancakes, wait for me at the entrance or take care of a hamster - this is very inspiring for him.
9. Reasonable partner for childish pranks. I found a nanny - a young student. Her main task is to play with him, since I do not know how to do this, but I do not want my boy to experience difficulties. He must have a friend with whom you can walk a lot, play and get mad.
10. Promises. I make sure that my promises are fulfilled and I negotiate with my child to do it too.
11. Same rules for everyone. Established a number of rules and wrote a daily routine for the week. This helps a lot to organize the time, now I warn my son in advance about my plans for the day, for the weekend so that he can tune in and prepare mentally for what awaits him.
12. Time limit for TV and tablet. When my son asks to put cartoons or games on a tablet, I stipulate the time, show on the clock when it will end and warn 5 minutes in advance that the tablet will need to be returned soon. And then, when the time runs out, he calmly gives it away, without shouting and indignation.
13. The principle of green pasta. I praise and support my son's achievements, not mistakes. When my boy writes squiggles in a notebook, I choose the most beautiful one, I circle it with green paste and say: "Well done, my dear - you did it best!"
I realized that in order to build a healthy relationship with a child, you need to perceive him as a reasonable, equal person who is still small in stature, and respect his space, desire, will, emotions, needs and character traits, give them the right to be and be sure consider. It is also important to be yourself and sincerely talk about your feelings, what you like and dislike, show your boundaries, set rules and live together according to these rules. This path leads to a sincere, understanding relationship with your child. By the way, my relationship with my mother has also improved significantly. Now we can talk in a normal tone, without quarrels.
Restoring personal boundaries is the path to happy relationships with family and friends
Healthy boundaries are a skill that is shaped in the same way as cycling. It is impossible to learn this just by reading books or watching videos. This experience can be gained in practice - take a bike and a couple of riding lessons. The experience of building healthy boundaries can be gained through personal therapy. Psychotherapy is about teaching the client healthy boundaries, how to express their emotions and listen to their needs by building a therapeutic relationship. This is not following the rules about how it should be, it is a lively, sincere and very interesting process of getting to know yourself in the present.
_
Thank you for your attention.
Best regards, Natalia Ostretsova, psychologist, psychotherapist, Viber +380635270407, skype / email [email protected].
Recommended:
The Children Have Grown Up, They Have Forgotten Their Parents. How To Build Relationships?
Some children, whom their parents, according to them, raised in love and surrounded with all sorts of care, having matured, for some reason are not eager to maintain a relationship with mom and dad. Or they even delete their parents from their lives - they go around their house, for weeks, months, sometimes they don't call for years and even say directly:
Parents, Children Do Not Need Your Pain, They Need Childhood
Dear parents of already very large or still small children. I would like to appeal to you in order that you take a better look at your children. Perhaps they are different, not the way you wanted them to be, not quite like you in their views and beliefs, or not at all.
In The Absence Of Children In Marriage, I Believe It Is Quite Possible To Get Divorced. If You Have Children, You Need To Think Hard
Source: ezhikezhik.ru Is it possible to swear in front of a child, do children adopt parental models of behavior, what to do if you want to get a divorce, and do you need to live with a husband who yells and humiliates? Family and child psychologist Katerina Murashova reports.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya: How To Build Boundaries With Your Children And Learn To Respect Them
First you need to decide what the boundaries are. For example, even in Ancient Greece, each farmer designated the border of his site, setting on it figurines of the deity of borders, which were very revered by all residents. They protected people from those who could encroach on their property and force them to aggression and conflict.
HOW NOT TO BUILD A CAREER AND WHAT RAKE DOES YOU NEED TO STEP FOR?
The Japanese say: "If there has not been any crisis in your life that is difficult to survive, you should buy these experiences for a lot of money." This mysterious people know that wisdom does not come to a person at birth or with age.