Are You A "good Kid"?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why are we cramped in life?

Why don't we have the job we like?

Why can't we build those relationships in which we would be happy?

Why do we live, we live, but there was no happiness, so there is no happiness.

Where are the roots of our disorder in the current life?

Why do we have low self-esteem, we don’t feel like creators, we don’t feel the right to live as we want?

Of course, you say - a lot comes from childhood.

It was not very good in childhood, now we are already adults - we have a lot of opportunities for adult life before us, and we all also live in limitations, within which we feel bad, but we cannot live without them.

Let's take a closer look at how our self-esteem and behavior patterns are formed

Our upbringing plays a key role. How our parents raised us, how they treated us, what they allowed us, what they forbade, and what they "molded" out of us. Ideally, each parent is happy with his child, loves him unconditionally, gives warmth, affection, gives attention, respects, appreciates, and enjoys the child's success. But in real life, parents are unhappy themselves: they have a lot of unresolved problems that take up time and energy, and they do not have enough time for children, they do not have enough energy to be attentive to them.

Often, children appear unexpectedly and not all parents are ready to rebuild their lives with the appearance of a child so as to allocate additional time and energy resources to the child. And therefore it often turns out that the task of a parent who spends a lot of time with a child is to make various manifestations of the child convenient for himself. Simply put - to make the child obedient. When a child is obedient, then he is less troublesome, he needs to devote less time, less energy to spend on him.

And what are the parents doing?

They (not quite consciously) solve the problem of obedience - they set a framework.

Don't go there, don't look here, this is bad, but this is good, do this, but don't you dare.

Of course, some of these frameworks are useful and necessary for a child - so that he is alive, healthy, so that he does not harm himself, and so on. Part, and sometimes a huge part of the framework, is created for one purpose - parental convenience. So that there is less trouble with the child, so that it is easier, so that it takes less time.

Every child is naturally inquisitive, he has the energy to first crawl and then run, the thirst to learn new things, the desire to try to do something, to try - in a word, to cognize the world, oneself in it, to be realized.

And here is the dilemma - it just interferes with convenience.

Therefore, parents take actions to remove the child's desires, remove independence, remove opportunities, remove the thirst to do things.

Parents begin to forbid the child a lot, gradually shaping his personality so that he becomes comfortable for them. Desires, sensations, physical needs, emotional - everything is removed to the extent that such a child becomes comfortable.

At the same time, the parents may not even be aware of the fact of excessive suppression of the child. It is possible that they were raised the same way.

Plus, you can also be proud of yourself. Have you heard the words from mothers: "What a well-bred son I have, what an excellent obedient daughter I have."

You can also boast of such a well-trained child - he is so "good" for me.

By "good" usually means - always does what she (mom) wants.

Then the children grow up, leave their parents for an independent life.

It seems like childhood is far in the past. But … self-esteem, self-identification remained the same.

For example. In childhood, the child's desires were severely suppressed.

Such a person, when he becomes an adult, has problems with being aware of his desires. Why I live - the purpose of life, what I want from relationships, from work, from my husband, from life in general - a vague mass.

A person at 25, at 30 and at 40 does not know what he wants from life. I got the job, got the relationship. I want to change my job, I want to switch to a completely different type of activity. It seems that there are some plans, but what exactly I want - I can not decide. There are problems in a relationship, I don’t like this and that, but I don’t understand what exactly I want from a relationship with my husband. Generalized phrases - "happiness", "love", "affection", "understanding". Such a person is not fully aware of what happiness is for him, what understanding is, etc. But he is well aware of what he DOES NOT WANT: such a husband / wife, such an attitude towards himself, such a salary, such an apartment, etc.

And all because desires are not fully realized. In childhood, it was forbidden to wish.

It seems like I want this, but it seems like something else. As a result, you get stuck in uncomfortable relationships, activities, and incomprehensible situations.

Second example.

As a child, the girl was harshly suppressed the right to defend her interests. You can't insist on what you want, you can't be what you want, you can't do that. Otherwise, we will be offended by you, you can lose us. Much is not allowed.

Such a girl, growing up, finds a man of a despot who loves to control his wife.

She will put his interests first at the expense of her own. Silence where you want to say. Suppress your negative feelings, avoid conflicts. She tries hard to be "good." Even after divorcing a man as a despot, and finding a “normal” man, her behavior gradually creates situations where, again, her boundaries are violated, where she lives primarily for children, for her husband, for relatives, friends, girlfriends. And she herself, for herself - in some tenth place.

It is difficult for such a woman to refuse people. She doesn't like upsetting people. She wants to be "good" for everyone - and therefore tries to please people, responding to requests from friends, acquaintances, employees at work, bosses.

Such a woman with great efforts defends her boundaries - when other people with pressure impose something on her, ask for something and offer to do as they want.

And since it takes a huge amount of mental strength, she, as a rule, weighing the weight of the work on the scales (if it is not “so hard”), prefers to give up altogether and do what the other person wants from her. It's easier. So less energy is wasted.

In such a life there is little joy, and happiness is rare and momentary.

Third example.

Parents constantly instilled in their child a convenient framework, so that he would be obedient the way they wanted - through “what will people say?”.

Such a person, when he grows up, carries within himself an internal controller that controls behavior, preventing him from manifesting himself and living the way he wants.

A person subconsciously is always focused on the approval of the environment, on the fulfillment of other people's goals - goals that are accepted as the norm in a particular society.

What will people think?

Such a person buys some things in order to be like everyone else. Often half of them are not so necessary, or will be needed later, and not now. For example, a car is bought on credit when there are other important things to invest in.

The suggested installation is being carried out - "a man at 35 is ashamed to be without a car, apartment, or career." Girls get married earlier than they are ripe for family life, because it's TIME.

And it happens that women live in unhappy relationships, because it is "shameful" to get divorced.

But how do people look in the eyes after a divorce?

It's a shame to do “this”, it's a shame to live “like this”, it's a shame to show yourself real - to show your anger in public, it's a shame to refuse relatives, it's a shame … it's a shame …

It is a shame to live well when others are suffering. Especially mom.

It is a shame to be rich, it is a shame to be happy - such a person has a mass of suggested arguments in his head - that then he will be abandoned, they will not communicate with him, they will not love him, there will be no real friends, there will not be one, the second third.

Another example.

Parents harshly suppressed the child's desire for self-knowledge, for freedom, for the realization of their interests.

Parents taught me to work constantly. You can't be lazy. You can't rest.

We must do this, we must do this. You have to be "so that." We must, we must, we must.

Do not be real, do not live in full force - but live in the prism of NECESSARY.

Childhood with childish joys - mischief, playfulness, realness passed half by.

Such a person grows up with circumcised manifestations of himself.

He only feels life when he works hard. Then he feels his value, his usefulness, his need.

A person is very sensitive to the assessments of others, their opinions, boast and approval. Unconsciously, life is adjusted so as to receive positive assessments.

For the sake of “good” assessments of others - a person commits actions, and often this is to the detriment of himself, since the assessment and opinion of others are more important than a person's needs.

Such people choose jobs that require a lot of effort. And only when they "drive themselves" - they allow themselves to rejoice.

And to work, but a little less they can not - uncomfortable, uncomfortable, as if life is passing by.

There is no feeling of happiness outside of work.

But on the other hand, he wants - that the relationship with the husband / wife was happy, that there is time for work and rest, that there is money for current needs and for things that bring pleasure.

And they - time, money, relationships, entertainment - are there, but, as it were, partially. There are blocks for complete happiness. A framework that the person himself is not aware of.

Such people often tend to shoulder a large burden of responsibility, tasks, requirements. And life feels hard. It is hard for a person to carry this load - and cannot throw it away.

For example, a wife may plow two jobs for the family, while a husband works light work and enjoys drinking beer, watching TV, playing games, or doing his own thing. She can hardly bear such a burden “for the whole family” and suffers all her life. Even if she divorces her lazy husband and finds a good man, he, too, after a while begins to freebie.

Such a person can build his life, so he works a lot, but at the same time the money goes somewhere. One waste appears, then another.

There are parental frameworks and prohibitions on wealth, happiness, self-realization.

*****

The influence of the family on us is enormous.

We grew up and can do, live differently from our parents.

Of course, with careful observation of ourselves, over our reactions - year after year, we can gradually change, understanding ourselves, changing ourselves and step by step approaching happiness.

But, unfortunately, the subconscious is inert, and does not change as quickly as our consciousness - our mind.

And in order to become happy, it is necessary to directly work out subconscious attitudes, behavior programs, self-esteem and forms of interaction with people.

If you want to feel joy in life, want to be self-realized in family relationships, in work, in creativity, want to stop walking in circles, want to be yourself, feel the taste of life, want to be energetic: now, and not after 20 years of self-discovery - contact professionally help. I'll be glad to help.

In my practice, the study of problems related to self-esteem takes from 4-6 sessions or more, depending on the level of results that the client wants to get.

When the reasons living in the subconscious are worked out, then many complex problems that have interfered with life and have existed for years - begin to go away.

Life is changing for the better, and it ceases to be a heavy burden. Become easy and free!

How do you choose to live?