2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One day, the mother of an 8-year-old boy approached me with a request for counseling about her troubled son. According to her, he is clearly hyperactive, he constantly runs, jumps, rushes like crazy, cannot stop. He does not study well and it is difficult for him to find a common language with his peers. On close acquaintance, it turned out that he is very fond of drawing, and can spend about one hour in a row at this lesson. Accordingly, there was no talk of hyperactivity.
Another mom of a teenage girl asked to "sort out" her daughter about her excessive interest in anime. “I don't know what to do with her. She is completely uncontrollable,”said this mother. The girl turned out to be rather withdrawn. At the first meeting, she stated that her friends from online anime groups are the only people who understand and support her, and her parents only yell and quarrel.
So what happens when parents are concerned about their children's behavior?
When young parents are waiting for their child to be born, they dream of what he will be like when he is born, how fun it will be to play tennis with him, how great he will be in school, what kind of friends they will be, etc. Or they expect that a child who comes into this world is a future support and support for them, their parents. And few people think that a child is a personality, with its own characteristics, preferences, with its own special inner world.
We have an elementary discrepancy between expectations and reality. At the reception, it turns out that the child is very much afraid of something in the family (despite the fact that mom and dad are quite friendly, they just do not suspect what reactions in the child may cause certain features of their behavior in the family). Or he suffers from a lack of attention and understanding, perhaps he is not ready to accept the enormous freedom that his parents give him and he needs a little more time to adapt than they think. Most often, the root of all family troubles is the inability of parents to communicate with their child and the unwillingness to work primarily on themselves. Unfortunately, parents often think that something is wrong with the child, “he needs to be treated,” but they themselves do not want to change.
When expectations do not match reality, adults are more likely to try to fit reality to expectations, and not vice versa. A dad who dreamed of a son makes his daughter play football. Well, as it makes. This is the only game he plays with her. And the girl, inwardly loving her father with all her heart, not wanting to upset him, sincerely but unsuccessfully tries to hit the ball. And cries into the pillow at night because dad was not happy.
Mom makes her son play the violin, because she sees in him a virtuoso musician, while he himself is more interested in the life of beetles. But this is such nonsense compared to his great future, right?
Another mother sent her daughter abroad on vacation. The girl really liked it there. And upon her return, my mother began to study information about all educational institutions of that country in order to send her daughter there to study. "What specialty?" I asked. "What's the difference? The main thing is to get settled,”my mother answered. Good intention.
But no one asked the 16-year-old girl what she wanted. And she categorically did not want to leave her home. When, after a few weeks of working (with her mother), her daughter was asked what she wanted, she could not answer, because she was used to the fact that all decisions were made for her by her mother. It is not surprising that she did not want to leave, and she was not ready either. And how will she live with such attitudes far from home?
What child problems do parents address to specialists?
Yes, with different ones. With enuresis, stuttering, mutism, difficulty adapting, sleep and appetite disorders, frequent tantrums, strange diseases, etc. And of course, you can and should work with them. But, unfortunately, parents are most often the cause of childhood neurosis, unconsciously creating a neurotic environment in the family. Often they adopt the experience of their parents, because they grew up as normal people, yes. The medalist dad really wants his son to be the same. Dad knows exactly how to achieve what he wants in the most optimal way. And when parents know better what their children need, we are dealing with a parental projection, they rather see a reflection of themselves in their children and try to do better for themselves in this way (nothing, I didn’t work out, so the child will definitely succeed!).
It has nothing to do with their real children, their abilities and capabilities. And in such cases, I really want the parents to come to the appointment first. Work with a narcissistic desire to be proud of your child, bragging about his success as his own, to friends and colleagues. Recycle your childhood emotional traumas, learn to live in this world, and not in fantasies and not in your past. Learn to communicate, understand, accept and support your children. You look, and the children will be healthier, happier.
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